It's almost an island
I hate when you're not allowed to talk to people who you want to. By allowed I mean, you know, by normal conventional standards at times. At other times by you know, taking their "hint" ie blatant and direct statement, silent treatment, or otherwise, that they don't want to converse with you. I mean, I hate it more when it's because the person does not want to talk to you. In these instances I'm torn between you know, wondering if maybe enough "time has passed" that they're over the grudge, and mystified by the whole concept of burning bridges anyway.
Of course, I accidentally burn bridges... no lies. And sometimes, I pretty much purposely do it. Not necessarily because I hold a grudge, but because I can be stubborn about conforming to what people want from me, or pretending I'm wrong when I think I'm right. Chances are I could be wrong in these instances, but I'm not sure if there is an objective right and wrong in this life, and I know that, subjectively if I don't make the right choice for me, I will just lead a miserable life. I tend to also think that, since I am sort of a door mat in situations, and eager to please and do pretty much anything for a person once I care about them, that if I am NOT willing to do something for a person it is probably because they are asking something that contradicts some kind of important inner value of mine, or makes me feel like I would somehow be degrading myself or lying to myself or doing something untrue in order to do it.
I guess I just want everyone to be my friend. I forgive people for things they have done to me negatively, and cherish the things they have done for me positively. I'm sure that there are some people I have not communicated that well to, and some people who it would be impossible to do so for. However, I want to, however unrealistic it may be. It is probable that at least one or two of these people, I would realize it's a bad idea to talk to, if they were willing to do so. However, it is possible that there are a couple that it would be possible to rekindle old connections with, make new, and put aside the negatives about each other in favor of positives.
Anyway, that being said, this new photography project is tearing me apart. It's making me feel a little guilty too, since it's really about old lovers and does not apply to the current one at all for the most part.
However, once again, Jeanette Winterson saves me, reminding me of some things I need to be reminded:
http://www.jeanettewinterson.com/pages/journalism_01/journalism_01_item.asp?journalism_01ID=226&journalism_01_Category=The%20Independent
Oh, desire. You feisty devil. :)
Anyway, I'm off... back to the world of neurochemicals.... wish me low cortisol and high serotonin!
Of course, I accidentally burn bridges... no lies. And sometimes, I pretty much purposely do it. Not necessarily because I hold a grudge, but because I can be stubborn about conforming to what people want from me, or pretending I'm wrong when I think I'm right. Chances are I could be wrong in these instances, but I'm not sure if there is an objective right and wrong in this life, and I know that, subjectively if I don't make the right choice for me, I will just lead a miserable life. I tend to also think that, since I am sort of a door mat in situations, and eager to please and do pretty much anything for a person once I care about them, that if I am NOT willing to do something for a person it is probably because they are asking something that contradicts some kind of important inner value of mine, or makes me feel like I would somehow be degrading myself or lying to myself or doing something untrue in order to do it.
I guess I just want everyone to be my friend. I forgive people for things they have done to me negatively, and cherish the things they have done for me positively. I'm sure that there are some people I have not communicated that well to, and some people who it would be impossible to do so for. However, I want to, however unrealistic it may be. It is probable that at least one or two of these people, I would realize it's a bad idea to talk to, if they were willing to do so. However, it is possible that there are a couple that it would be possible to rekindle old connections with, make new, and put aside the negatives about each other in favor of positives.
Anyway, that being said, this new photography project is tearing me apart. It's making me feel a little guilty too, since it's really about old lovers and does not apply to the current one at all for the most part.
However, once again, Jeanette Winterson saves me, reminding me of some things I need to be reminded:
http://www.jeanettewinterson.com/pages/journalism_01/journalism_01_item.asp?journalism_01ID=226&journalism_01_Category=The%20Independent
Oh, desire. You feisty devil. :)
Anyway, I'm off... back to the world of neurochemicals.... wish me low cortisol and high serotonin!