(no subject)
I've come to the culmination of something I've been dealing for a long while now. Christianity isn't my thing. Like, at all. I know plenty of good Christians, but like our dear hard-boozin, hard woman drivin' friend Ghandi said, ' I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.' Now, there's more to that quote, but I have other concerns with a man named Jesus Christ.
I've spent a lot of time feeling like I was Wrong. Implicitly so. And the religion and its ties to my mother are a huge part of that. I have other reasons for it, too, but in the end - I just needed to understand that yeah, man, I am wrong. In the eyes of most people, and even at my most benign I'm gonna be. Largely because of that faith. Freak isn't the word. Neither is weird. I'm, just, gonna, be, wrong. To them, to their friends, to their family, to their acquaintances. I needed to accept that, and therefore complete the rejection of its source from my life, mind, body and spirit. That particular lens put a real deep crack in me, and I'm tired of being skewed by it. I don't want in me and I don't want to be mad at it anymore. So, I'm taking the knife out, letting the wound heal and letting it go its own way.
It doesn't mean I'm wrong in an evil sense. Evil is irrelevant. Literally. It means that I'm moving to a place where I'm no longer scared of the fact that I'm always gonna be different. Real Different. Like, from even the already 'Different' people. That was the part that really upset me. That I had no where to go to ground, and didn't really have a subset of people to consider 'my own' (family and damn-near not withstanding). But I was wrong. Maslow was right. Safety and security do come before self-actualization. It's hard to meditate on yourself, if you don't feel safe enough to ever express it.
And sometimes, you just have to accept that you're gonna be outnumbered. All the time, from every side, and everyone is pretty much willing to fuck you or let you get fucked. So, bend over, relax your anus and prepare for intrusion. If you let your hackles relax, exhale, and resign yourself to a life of knowing you're on the raw, briny edge of the pack, that danger really can come from anywhere - you'll never really get caught off guard. But, denial of where you're standing only makes you a more oblivious cum-dumpster and possibly worse once word gets out some chode is just standing there taking whatever your orifices spit on 'em. Thankfully, I've got a Beta that's pretty good at watching my back and has a fondness for towels. I guess Ford and Mos Def really aren't the only ones.
Also, I'm sick and tired of fear. I came across a quote years ago that allowed me to focus on a path to redemption. Through my usual heady combination of aggressive psycho-science and metaphysical philosophy, Mad Monkey Skillz have been activated to reprogram that shit out of my head. And lately, I've finally gotten the glimpses of sunlight and known the wisps of fresh air that signal the end of this tunnel. I won't be sad to see it go. For those that recognize it, the quote was : A fool feels no fear, a sleeper remains shackled by it; a master transcends it yet recalls its wisdom. It is folly to bow to fear. Somewhere out there, there's a man named Phil Brucato whom upon meeting, I'm either gonna slap or blow.