Ain't no sunshine when he's gone

[tanya]

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The love of my life is having a baby with his current girlfriend. I don't even know how to feel about this. I know a part of me is devastated. Repeatedly in our history one or both of us would be in a relationship, but they would always, always end and we'd find our ways back to each other. Albeit briefly, because I lived too far from him to consider trying to hold onto him consistently. But then college ended, and I came home. I've been too wrapped up in drama with the guy I thought I might have been able to replace him with to even try to go backwards again. I knew he had a girlfriend, but I had been certain that it would end like all the rest, and some day, some how, we would end up together.

We had a pact to get married in a little less than 5 years from now. It was his idea, in fact, and I was over the moon when he suggested it. (So much so that it got me to use the phrase 'over the moon'). It was one of those, if no one has swooped either one of us up, we should get married when we turn 30. We even hammered out the math to our wedding day being exactly halfway between his 30th birthday and mine; and we both admitted that we could seriously see ourselves going through with it. But, now... there is an overwhelming sense of permanence with this girl.

I can't just turn up out of the blue uninvited. I have to stay away. I have to fight it, even though for me, it isn't over. I can't just throw down some grand romantic gesture because now there's another innocent life involved. Besides, nearly 2 years ago I did try to tell him- I told him how when we would say "I love you" to one another, I really meant "I love you." He didn't receive that very well.

So I suppose that would go to show he never felt as strongly for me as I did for him. But he used to tell me he loved me, we were intimate, he suggested we get married some day... I thought there was something. And my residual feelings for him ruin every other relationship I try to have. I love him. I love him. I love him. And he's starting a lifelong adventure with someone else.