[It hadn't taken Herz long to realize he'd really screwed this one up. Right about Ben or not, he shouldn't have picked a fight with Tan. He certainly shouldn't have said the things he had.
He should've approached him before now, but...he was admittedly afraid of having the same conversation all over again. He couldn't just...forget about Ben. He was a friend. He was in need, and until he stopped being both of those at the same time, Herz would give him attention. Same for Tan.
There had to be a way to compromise about this. To get over it.
Today, he decided, he'd try again. He'd track the guy down and apologize. It was easy enough to figure out he wasn't in his room. Quick glance through Sergei's and Our House, and Herz knew he'd been to neither. Next top was the gym.
Here, he lucked out.
...only Tan looked completely engrossed.
Herz hangs back for a while, just watching him throw himself at the punching bag, and half hoping he'll realize the kid's there on his own. When it becomes apparent he's far too engrossed to make Herz's life easier, the teen heads over and, in what may be a very stupid move on his part, puts a hand behind the punching bag to bring it to a stop.]
[The thing about settling into a sort of rhythm, is that you don't really notice your surroundings so much. This is especially true when your focus is already shot to hell and back. So when Herz stops the bag, it's not what Tan was expecting to happen and he nearly walks into the bag.]
Shitfuck.
[Well, if Tan's attention was what Herz wanted, it's what he's got, but that's not necessarily a good thing.]
Fuck, Herz, you couldn't have just said hi?
[Or waited? Waiting would have been good. Tan shakes out his arms--he's been at it too long, they're starting to feel shaky in a bad way--and turns his attention to his hands, fussing with the wraps.]
[He believes that Herz didn't mean it...but he doesn't believe it, either. It's said there's an element of truth to things said in anger, right? The things said when your internal filter shuts off, and what you really think comes out.]
[Tan glances around for his towel. He's thinking he'd like to sit down, actually, except he's pretty sure if he does, he won't be getting back up.
Y'know what, Herz, he doesn't have it in him to be angry or indignant or any of the other things he thinks he might be justified in being at the moment. He managed one last temper flareup at Ben (for all the good it did either of them) and now he's just tired.
That, and sore.
And unable to find his goddamn towel.]
So you don't actually think I'm a heartless bastard.
[Okay, Herz might not have said the bastard part, but come on. His memory's a little fuzzy, cut him some slack.]
[Herz sighs, relieved. It still feels awkward, though, just...hugging him after this, so Herz only reaches to take his neck. His hand's are back in Tan's hair, where they belong, right?]
[Enjoy that sweaty-man hug, Herz. Tan turns his head to bury his nose in Herz's hair and breathes deeply. Yeah, it's awkward, but he doesn't care. This makes him feel a little better.
Of course, the second he lets go, Herz is probably going to go back to Bennett, which definitely doesn't make him feel better. It takes effort to stay relaxed, but...he'd like to think he manages. Mostly.]
[Sweaty-man hugs happen to be his favorites, he's just a little...apprehensive of doing them in public. Especially in the gym. Touching is one thing. Hugging is another. So, when Herz pulls away, he keeps his hands on Tan. He strokes his cheek. He tries to show he's happy he's there.
[Come with him to his room, Herz. He even says so, "come with me" with his hands. But not aloud. He never used to hesitate to come right out and say what he wants around anybody, let alone Herz. ...Herz, what have you done to him?]
[He catches the sign language. Wonders what it means. He drops his hand, lets his fingers ghost down the outside line of Tan's arm before letting it fall to his side. It's short and affectionate and as familiar as he'd like to be with him.]
Are--a-are you hungry? I-I--I mean you--you gotta be, after that.
He should've approached him before now, but...he was admittedly afraid of having the same conversation all over again. He couldn't just...forget about Ben. He was a friend. He was in need, and until he stopped being both of those at the same time, Herz would give him attention. Same for Tan.
There had to be a way to compromise about this. To get over it.
Today, he decided, he'd try again. He'd track the guy down and apologize. It was easy enough to figure out he wasn't in his room. Quick glance through Sergei's and Our House, and Herz knew he'd been to neither. Next top was the gym.
Here, he lucked out.
...only Tan looked completely engrossed.
Herz hangs back for a while, just watching him throw himself at the punching bag, and half hoping he'll realize the kid's there on his own. When it becomes apparent he's far too engrossed to make Herz's life easier, the teen heads over and, in what may be a very stupid move on his part, puts a hand behind the punching bag to bring it to a stop.]
...Tan?
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Shitfuck.
[Well, if Tan's attention was what Herz wanted, it's what he's got, but that's not necessarily a good thing.]
Fuck, Herz, you couldn't have just said hi?
[Or waited? Waiting would have been good. Tan shakes out his arms--he's been at it too long, they're starting to feel shaky in a bad way--and turns his attention to his hands, fussing with the wraps.]
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I'm sorry.
[This is the best way to start off a conversation centered around you apologizing. Always.]
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Not dressed to be in here.
[Translation: Why are you here and what do you want?]
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I...I-I, uh...
I wanted to...t-t-to--to talk to you. About...
I'm sorry. I-I'm sorry about what...I-I said. I didn't mean all that.
[No real lead in, just spill out like word vomit.]
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Really.
[He believes that Herz didn't mean it...but he doesn't believe it, either. It's said there's an element of truth to things said in anger, right? The things said when your internal filter shuts off, and what you really think comes out.]
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[What are you thinking, Tan? Are you taking him at his word? Do you not want to hear it? Do you wish he'd just leave you alone?
Are you as eager for this to be over as he is?]
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Y'know what, Herz, he doesn't have it in him to be angry or indignant or any of the other things he thinks he might be justified in being at the moment. He managed one last temper flareup at Ben (for all the good it did either of them) and now he's just tired.
That, and sore.
And unable to find his goddamn towel.]
So you don't actually think I'm a heartless bastard.
[Okay, Herz might not have said the bastard part, but come on. His memory's a little fuzzy, cut him some slack.]
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[...that's not the right thing to say. He winces, tries again.]
N-no, I--I-I don't think that.
I'm--
I-I was just--
I was angry, I-I didn't--
I'm sorry I--I ever said it.
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Yeah, well.
[We all do stupid shit when we're angry? He can't make himself say that. It's admitting something he doesn't want to admit right now.
He beckons Herz closer again.]
C'mere.
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Thank you...
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Of course, the second he lets go, Herz is probably going to go back to Bennett, which definitely doesn't make him feel better. It takes effort to stay relaxed, but...he'd like to think he manages. Mostly.]
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...And what is next?]
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I think I'm done here.
[Come with him to his room, Herz. He even says so, "come with me" with his hands. But not aloud. He never used to hesitate to come right out and say what he wants around anybody, let alone Herz. ...Herz, what have you done to him?]
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Are--a-are you hungry? I-I--I mean you--you gotta be, after that.
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Nnnn....
[He should eat. He's not hungry, but he's got the feeling he'll get fussed at if he doesn't try.]
Not really hungry, no.
[Whoops. He meant to lie and say "sure".]
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