a response, even though none was asked for
i often look in the mirror. not for vanity, or to see how i look, but merely just to look, and to think. you say you look because you won't judge yourself. i do the opposite. i stare at my face so long and hard, scrutinizing it, that i no longer recognize myself. the face reflected back to me is not my own. it is some girl's face who i do not know. she looks back at me with a stern expression on her face, and i am shocked. the face in the mirror then becomes inconsequential. it is merely there, staring at me, as i think. and i judge. i think of the stupid things i've done throughout the day, so many of them the list gets overwhelming. i mentally beat myself up over all the things that have happened, occasionally they deal with you. the face in the mirror changes into one of disappointment and frustration. i think over the good things that have happened during the day, many of these deal with you. and i smile. and then i recognize myself in the mirror. a happy girl with a lopsided smile. i suppose i turn to the mirror at times to let me know who i am. for some reason staring at myself helps me think, mostly about my self. egotism at its highest, no? sometimes, when i'm depressed, i watch myself cry. first my eyes turn to a watery brown, then slowly tears well up, then they spill over and fall. i lose count of them after a while. watching myself helps me to stop crying. i dissociate the emotions from the act by watching it happen. and i cease.
when i look into people's eyes i often wonder what they think of me. am i interesting, boring, intelligent, stupid, witty, charming, ignorant...what am i? and then i wonder if it's even necessary to judge myself by what others think of me. when i look into your eyes...i can't tell you what i feel. i stopped feeling judged a long time ago (i used to, and i worried a lot). i suppose when i look into your eyes, i feel loved, and secure, and beautiful. even when i'm judging myself internally because i've just done something stupid (something i will later contemplate while staring in the mirror) i still feel loved, secure, and beautiful in your eyes. hmm...strange how that works.
but then...why do you only trust most of the time?
when i look into people's eyes i often wonder what they think of me. am i interesting, boring, intelligent, stupid, witty, charming, ignorant...what am i? and then i wonder if it's even necessary to judge myself by what others think of me. when i look into your eyes...i can't tell you what i feel. i stopped feeling judged a long time ago (i used to, and i worried a lot). i suppose when i look into your eyes, i feel loved, and secure, and beautiful. even when i'm judging myself internally because i've just done something stupid (something i will later contemplate while staring in the mirror) i still feel loved, secure, and beautiful in your eyes. hmm...strange how that works.
but then...why do you only trust most of the time?