We're All Under the Same Sky.
I don't know what to say.
In complete shock.
Except that I'm so, so, so, so thankful.
and that God is fair,
and He is good.
I made it to the interview.
I was so prepared.
Bummed, but still, mentally prepared.
Had to be. I forced myself to be.
It's not over yet.
There still IS the interview to get past.
Nothing's certain.
勇断せずに行こう。
But for now,
I really think I'm going to take a breather.
Gosh.
One year of preparation.
Fever of 38.5 two nights before the exam.
Garden of pimples on face.
Exam hall. Conference room.
Complete change of syllabus without informing the applicants.
Everything that I went through with my tutor, all the practice, all the questions. Nothing came out in the papers.
Random number picks. Read: Psychic - I think this answer is -2. That is 5. Then 6. Ha. Ha ha ha.
Came out feeling... Numb.
Okay, move on.
Plan B.
Then release of results was today, right, and I couldn't stand being around at home.
Mind-f-ing me all the way I couldn't even look at my own room.
I was ridden with guilt.
All the things I own.
All from my parents.
Because they love me and want me to be happy.
When I called my mum just because I wanted to hear her voice,
(I scared her to death cause she thought I already knew the results)
she told me that it was okay to just go,
that I needn't worry about the financial situation.
Happy as I was to hear her say that,
my heart just broke.
Because I knew that leaving for Japan was the only way I could live with myself and be happy,
but I couldn't bear to do it to both my 'rents.
I couldn't see ahead,
and that really frightened me.
I left with cousin dearest to have lunch and a really good talk.
We laid it all out in the open.
What my options were, what I could do to eventually get to where I want to be.
She dropped water bombs on me, time and again.
Things that I never realized or never noticed.
I woke up instantly.
How self-centered I was despite everything.
I didn't put my parents in the picture at all.
It's definitely not a bad thing to be determined and focused.
But I was determined and focused on a level that was absolutely abnormal.
And I couldn't stop because I couldn't afford to do so.
"Remember that while you are making sacrifices on your part to get to your dreams, your parents are also making sacrifices for you so that you can get there."
It hit me.
Suddenly the entire weight of the situation was really on my shoulders, for the first time.
How many years have my parents gone through with this burden and responsibility?
I couldn't bear it.
No wonder my brother hates me.
I told her that if I was really leaving for Japan,
I would do something about the strain between my brother and I.
Because no matter what my parents said,
I knew that it wasn't true and that there was something else that made him act this way.
I think I know exactly what to do now.
After that heart2heart talk with her.
Let's just say that action is a lot louder than words.
When we parted,
I plugged into music.
Took a self-reflecting walk back home.
Take a detour.
Don't give up. It's still there.
So when I came back, sat down, flipped my macbook open and saw that e-mail.
I won't deny it.
Somewhere inside me, I was hoping for something.
When it came true,
I just.
broke down.
hahaha.
funny feeling.
Feels absolutely, positively awesome.
So this is what Cloud 9 feels like.
The whole experience, the talk with my cousin.
These 2 days,
and all the effort and prep.
It's priceless.
I'm going to be careful about the decisions I'm going to make.
I'm going to be very grateful for the things I have.
I'm going to watch my attitude.
I'm going to become a stronger, better person.
Most. Importantly.
I'm going to give it back.
The goodwill, the love...
Everything. Times 10000000000000000.
To my parents,
and I'm going to make them watch me succeed.
I'm going to make them immensely proud of me.
I'm going to make my brother impressed.
I'm going to make him see that I've grown up.
MK Teng, You're going to be someone Great.
You better be.
これからも全力投球。
でも、勇断せずに行こう。
thankful,
mk.
In complete shock.
Except that I'm so, so, so, so thankful.
and that God is fair,
and He is good.
I made it to the interview.
I was so prepared.
Bummed, but still, mentally prepared.
Had to be. I forced myself to be.
It's not over yet.
There still IS the interview to get past.
Nothing's certain.
勇断せずに行こう。
But for now,
I really think I'm going to take a breather.
Gosh.
One year of preparation.
Fever of 38.5 two nights before the exam.
Garden of pimples on face.
Exam hall. Conference room.
Complete change of syllabus without informing the applicants.
Everything that I went through with my tutor, all the practice, all the questions. Nothing came out in the papers.
Random number picks. Read: Psychic - I think this answer is -2. That is 5. Then 6. Ha. Ha ha ha.
Came out feeling... Numb.
Okay, move on.
Plan B.
Then release of results was today, right, and I couldn't stand being around at home.
Mind-f-ing me all the way I couldn't even look at my own room.
I was ridden with guilt.
All the things I own.
All from my parents.
Because they love me and want me to be happy.
When I called my mum just because I wanted to hear her voice,
(I scared her to death cause she thought I already knew the results)
she told me that it was okay to just go,
that I needn't worry about the financial situation.
Happy as I was to hear her say that,
my heart just broke.
Because I knew that leaving for Japan was the only way I could live with myself and be happy,
but I couldn't bear to do it to both my 'rents.
I couldn't see ahead,
and that really frightened me.
I left with cousin dearest to have lunch and a really good talk.
We laid it all out in the open.
What my options were, what I could do to eventually get to where I want to be.
She dropped water bombs on me, time and again.
Things that I never realized or never noticed.
I woke up instantly.
How self-centered I was despite everything.
I didn't put my parents in the picture at all.
It's definitely not a bad thing to be determined and focused.
But I was determined and focused on a level that was absolutely abnormal.
And I couldn't stop because I couldn't afford to do so.
"Remember that while you are making sacrifices on your part to get to your dreams, your parents are also making sacrifices for you so that you can get there."
It hit me.
Suddenly the entire weight of the situation was really on my shoulders, for the first time.
How many years have my parents gone through with this burden and responsibility?
I couldn't bear it.
No wonder my brother hates me.
I told her that if I was really leaving for Japan,
I would do something about the strain between my brother and I.
Because no matter what my parents said,
I knew that it wasn't true and that there was something else that made him act this way.
I think I know exactly what to do now.
After that heart2heart talk with her.
Let's just say that action is a lot louder than words.
When we parted,
I plugged into music.
Took a self-reflecting walk back home.
Take a detour.
Don't give up. It's still there.
So when I came back, sat down, flipped my macbook open and saw that e-mail.
I won't deny it.
Somewhere inside me, I was hoping for something.
When it came true,
I just.
broke down.
hahaha.
funny feeling.
Feels absolutely, positively awesome.
So this is what Cloud 9 feels like.
The whole experience, the talk with my cousin.
These 2 days,
and all the effort and prep.
It's priceless.
I'm going to be careful about the decisions I'm going to make.
I'm going to be very grateful for the things I have.
I'm going to watch my attitude.
I'm going to become a stronger, better person.
Most. Importantly.
I'm going to give it back.
The goodwill, the love...
Everything. Times 10000000000000000.
To my parents,
and I'm going to make them watch me succeed.
I'm going to make them immensely proud of me.
I'm going to make my brother impressed.
I'm going to make him see that I've grown up.
MK Teng, You're going to be someone Great.
You better be.
これからも全力投球。
でも、勇断せずに行こう。
thankful,
mk.