Stick to the plan, man!
I was going to write a few times, but I never got to doing it. Maybe it's because whatever I am about to write doesn't really matter at all. Or maybe it's the same old, same old. Which more likely it is.
I've been quiet and laying low, as if I haven't quite lain low enough, I am making myself disappear. At least that's what some people thought because they haven't heard a peep from me. Well.....if I really wanted to, I would. But I'm not feeling it.
Because I'm trying to segue into a new version of an old phase of my life. Or rather, I'm trying to bring back whatever passion I may have had before I became stuck in this terrible going-nowhere-kind-of-thing slump. My coworker today told me that I'm not getting younger and I still have no direction or goal in life, and if I don't have that, what would I hope to achieve? But I do not know even what I want or want to do! Actually, I'm just satisfied right now in being a domestic housewife with a family and kids of my own to take care of. But they say that I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT. Especially if I've gone to university and gotten all those stuff, it'll be a waste. But I don't know, I don't really know what to do. I am so used to decisions being made for me that whatever they say, I do. It's less complicated.
So now, what's the plan man? I have no plan, and that's the freakin problem that drives me nuts. But to keep calm, I am trying to be more diligent than my lazy old self. I have tried to stick to a routine and not slack of from it like I used to, even if it's a simple thing such as making and eating breakfast everyday. I've been doing that for a month and still sticking to it. It's the longest I have ever gone to sticking to a plan, unlike my leg therapy or medicine that I usually quit after 2 days. When I planned to lose weight, it never goes anywhere because I revert to my old bad habits as soon as the next hour strikes.
I have been good taking my BCP regularly for two months now and my vitamins, with a few relapses but I managed not to miss more than a day. Which really says something because I could go on for weeks skipping meds and that's never really going to help me any. So now, in order to make sure that I am not overwhelmed with household chores, I have devised a simple rule: PICK ONE CHORE EVERYDAY AND DO IT. If I cook today, I don't have to do the laundry or to do groceries today. I could do banking one day, cook the next, do the laundry after, then ironing the day after. This way, I don't quickly burn out and complain of shoulder and back aches and be pulling my hairs out because there's so much to do in one day. Then I cap that off with a 2-hr "ME" time, and this I will allocate to watching one of our tons of taped cable movies per day.
I am trying to limit myself wasting time staring off into space, flipping through TV channels without really watching anything, endlessly napping like a cat, etc. etc. If I am to bum out, I better bum productively, at least finish something, a book or a TV series. THAT, I still am trying to do, and it has to do with stretching my non-existent attention span into a longer one....at least, long enough to last half an hour.
In that sense, I am also trying to devote my time searching for direction, at least develop a goal for which I can aspire to, and less time thinking of romantic impossibilities. Like Bridget Jones, I am going to swear off men and carbohydrates and I am crossing my fingers. I do not want to pin my endless hopes and dreams on one man, or any man, and I cannot be dependent on their presence to make me happy. Every time I fantasize about men, I will zap myself out from that wretched black hole and shake my head as if there's water in my ear. To that end, I will pry myself out from sitting in front of the computer waiting for word from either (more one, than the other) men. I cannot possibly think that each hour I spend staring at the screen would make them write me any faster. No! I have to drill it into my head that: IT'S NO BIG DEAL. IF THEY COME, THEY COME; IF THEY DON'T, THEY DON'T.
So far, my ritual of house chores and "Me" time has managed to distract me from being clingy to imaginary people, as very well they could be. I am sooo good now that I don't even check my emails every friggin hour, and sometimes, not even everyday. Hooray for me! I don't have the urge now to reply back as soon as the mail arrives. I let them sit like they let me stew for days while I go about my merry way. I also realize that spending on me is not so bad, and that I don't have to feel guilty about starving children in Africa while I purchase a pair of shoes, which I did, just last week.
-----
It was a spur of a moment thing. Well, actually, I was looking for knee high boots for months, but nothing really suited my feet, in regards to style and comfort level. And certainly I will have to choose according to my budget. I figure, nothing worth over $100 bucks for boots. The ones that are within budget, though not much, did not meet my standards, not that they're high, but because I have bad feet, I have to be extra, extra sure that I can walk in them for at least more than 15 minutes. So imagine how much time I spent picking shoes. Then I got side-tracked because Payless is having a shoe sale this month.
I always wanted to get a pair of pointy low pumps in brown faky-alligatory color to go with my jeans, but I'm not willing to spend more than $20 for something that I might end up wearing 2x a year. Especially if I don't know how to wear them and am just thinking of having them for practice. So when I saw a pair of pink pumps for 13 bucks I thought, great! This pair will be my training pumps, but alas they don't have my size. At least, I won't feel bad if they don't work if they're only $13. So I continued to browse around for boots but my eyes kept drifting to those sale tags, and a pair of dress shoes caught my eye. I tried them on and I liked them very much, and it's less than $20 to boot. I have shoes for dress pants but they're manly and bulky, and I have a pair of Mary Janes for skirts. I can deal with them both, but I like the way this pair of dress shoes looked together with my pink pants and slim-lining my feet that I thought, what the heck, it's less than $20 without tax.
So after debating for an hour, I took the pair to the counter (where the sales ladies said, Finally!) and was about to pay for it when they quoted me a different price. It turned out that someone put the wrong tag on the shoe box, even though it's only $12 more, I wasn't going to pay $30-something for a spare pair of shoes that I would like to have but can live without. It wasn't going to kill me as much as that extra $10 for something I could get somewhere else. And besides, it meant that I could save that money towards the pair of boots I'm planning to get. So I filled out the necessary "return form" as a formality because they already scanned the shoes even though I haven't paid.
I was about to leave the store when the store manager decided that "it's going to be my lucky day" (her exact words) and that she'll give it to me at the advertised price. She felt that she's being nice about it, but hey, as far as I know, I can refuse to buy something if the item is not priced as advertised, and heck, I can even demand that the item be sold to me at the advertised price if I insisted, because it's not my fault that they put on the tag wrong. Unless you made adjustments to the price and notified customers about the adjustments, we can contest it. I won't even bother checking out the pair, and certainly debate an hour over it, if it's more than $20. But I'm not demanding like that. I just walk away if I'm not happy with it. I realize I can't feel bad for them because I'm the customer and I'm the one paying for it so I have no obligation whatsoever to buy something that doesn't suit my taste in whichever way even if I have tried on a hundred pair of shoes. Maybe I'll feel bad if they serviced me from beginning to end, and let them take out a dozen pairs. But they didn't and I didn't.
So this is my philosophy: if it's too cheap to be true, most likely it is, so grab it while you can. I've once bought a pair of shoes for $10 when it's actually $40, again, they advertised falsely, wrong tag on shoe, but hey, it's my gain. I like the one where I got $40 for my black 17" IBM Grade A refurbished monitor because they also put the wrong tag on. It was supposed to be $100. I like deals like that.
3rd new pair of shoes this summer: $21.39 (tax inclusive) for a total of $602.15 (tax inclusive). Bargain hunting experience that yields steals and happiness: priceless.
I've been quiet and laying low, as if I haven't quite lain low enough, I am making myself disappear. At least that's what some people thought because they haven't heard a peep from me. Well.....if I really wanted to, I would. But I'm not feeling it.
Because I'm trying to segue into a new version of an old phase of my life. Or rather, I'm trying to bring back whatever passion I may have had before I became stuck in this terrible going-nowhere-kind-of-thing slump. My coworker today told me that I'm not getting younger and I still have no direction or goal in life, and if I don't have that, what would I hope to achieve? But I do not know even what I want or want to do! Actually, I'm just satisfied right now in being a domestic housewife with a family and kids of my own to take care of. But they say that I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT. Especially if I've gone to university and gotten all those stuff, it'll be a waste. But I don't know, I don't really know what to do. I am so used to decisions being made for me that whatever they say, I do. It's less complicated.
So now, what's the plan man? I have no plan, and that's the freakin problem that drives me nuts. But to keep calm, I am trying to be more diligent than my lazy old self. I have tried to stick to a routine and not slack of from it like I used to, even if it's a simple thing such as making and eating breakfast everyday. I've been doing that for a month and still sticking to it. It's the longest I have ever gone to sticking to a plan, unlike my leg therapy or medicine that I usually quit after 2 days. When I planned to lose weight, it never goes anywhere because I revert to my old bad habits as soon as the next hour strikes.
I have been good taking my BCP regularly for two months now and my vitamins, with a few relapses but I managed not to miss more than a day. Which really says something because I could go on for weeks skipping meds and that's never really going to help me any. So now, in order to make sure that I am not overwhelmed with household chores, I have devised a simple rule: PICK ONE CHORE EVERYDAY AND DO IT. If I cook today, I don't have to do the laundry or to do groceries today. I could do banking one day, cook the next, do the laundry after, then ironing the day after. This way, I don't quickly burn out and complain of shoulder and back aches and be pulling my hairs out because there's so much to do in one day. Then I cap that off with a 2-hr "ME" time, and this I will allocate to watching one of our tons of taped cable movies per day.
I am trying to limit myself wasting time staring off into space, flipping through TV channels without really watching anything, endlessly napping like a cat, etc. etc. If I am to bum out, I better bum productively, at least finish something, a book or a TV series. THAT, I still am trying to do, and it has to do with stretching my non-existent attention span into a longer one....at least, long enough to last half an hour.
In that sense, I am also trying to devote my time searching for direction, at least develop a goal for which I can aspire to, and less time thinking of romantic impossibilities. Like Bridget Jones, I am going to swear off men and carbohydrates and I am crossing my fingers. I do not want to pin my endless hopes and dreams on one man, or any man, and I cannot be dependent on their presence to make me happy. Every time I fantasize about men, I will zap myself out from that wretched black hole and shake my head as if there's water in my ear. To that end, I will pry myself out from sitting in front of the computer waiting for word from either (more one, than the other) men. I cannot possibly think that each hour I spend staring at the screen would make them write me any faster. No! I have to drill it into my head that: IT'S NO BIG DEAL. IF THEY COME, THEY COME; IF THEY DON'T, THEY DON'T.
So far, my ritual of house chores and "Me" time has managed to distract me from being clingy to imaginary people, as very well they could be. I am sooo good now that I don't even check my emails every friggin hour, and sometimes, not even everyday. Hooray for me! I don't have the urge now to reply back as soon as the mail arrives. I let them sit like they let me stew for days while I go about my merry way. I also realize that spending on me is not so bad, and that I don't have to feel guilty about starving children in Africa while I purchase a pair of shoes, which I did, just last week.
-----
It was a spur of a moment thing. Well, actually, I was looking for knee high boots for months, but nothing really suited my feet, in regards to style and comfort level. And certainly I will have to choose according to my budget. I figure, nothing worth over $100 bucks for boots. The ones that are within budget, though not much, did not meet my standards, not that they're high, but because I have bad feet, I have to be extra, extra sure that I can walk in them for at least more than 15 minutes. So imagine how much time I spent picking shoes. Then I got side-tracked because Payless is having a shoe sale this month.
I always wanted to get a pair of pointy low pumps in brown faky-alligatory color to go with my jeans, but I'm not willing to spend more than $20 for something that I might end up wearing 2x a year. Especially if I don't know how to wear them and am just thinking of having them for practice. So when I saw a pair of pink pumps for 13 bucks I thought, great! This pair will be my training pumps, but alas they don't have my size. At least, I won't feel bad if they don't work if they're only $13. So I continued to browse around for boots but my eyes kept drifting to those sale tags, and a pair of dress shoes caught my eye. I tried them on and I liked them very much, and it's less than $20 to boot. I have shoes for dress pants but they're manly and bulky, and I have a pair of Mary Janes for skirts. I can deal with them both, but I like the way this pair of dress shoes looked together with my pink pants and slim-lining my feet that I thought, what the heck, it's less than $20 without tax.
So after debating for an hour, I took the pair to the counter (where the sales ladies said, Finally!) and was about to pay for it when they quoted me a different price. It turned out that someone put the wrong tag on the shoe box, even though it's only $12 more, I wasn't going to pay $30-something for a spare pair of shoes that I would like to have but can live without. It wasn't going to kill me as much as that extra $10 for something I could get somewhere else. And besides, it meant that I could save that money towards the pair of boots I'm planning to get. So I filled out the necessary "return form" as a formality because they already scanned the shoes even though I haven't paid.
I was about to leave the store when the store manager decided that "it's going to be my lucky day" (her exact words) and that she'll give it to me at the advertised price. She felt that she's being nice about it, but hey, as far as I know, I can refuse to buy something if the item is not priced as advertised, and heck, I can even demand that the item be sold to me at the advertised price if I insisted, because it's not my fault that they put on the tag wrong. Unless you made adjustments to the price and notified customers about the adjustments, we can contest it. I won't even bother checking out the pair, and certainly debate an hour over it, if it's more than $20. But I'm not demanding like that. I just walk away if I'm not happy with it. I realize I can't feel bad for them because I'm the customer and I'm the one paying for it so I have no obligation whatsoever to buy something that doesn't suit my taste in whichever way even if I have tried on a hundred pair of shoes. Maybe I'll feel bad if they serviced me from beginning to end, and let them take out a dozen pairs. But they didn't and I didn't.
So this is my philosophy: if it's too cheap to be true, most likely it is, so grab it while you can. I've once bought a pair of shoes for $10 when it's actually $40, again, they advertised falsely, wrong tag on shoe, but hey, it's my gain. I like the one where I got $40 for my black 17" IBM Grade A refurbished monitor because they also put the wrong tag on. It was supposed to be $100. I like deals like that.
3rd new pair of shoes this summer: $21.39 (tax inclusive) for a total of $602.15 (tax inclusive). Bargain hunting experience that yields steals and happiness: priceless.