pride and prejudice
I guess I spoke too soon. I feel like singing Bif Naked's "Moment of Weakness." I thought I'm going to swear off men, feeling like Bridget Jones. Then I said, if I don't hear back from Luigi (one of the derailing trains) any time soon, I am not going to wait for him. Like I didn't wait for the pony either. Not that Luigi can satisfy my hunger like the pony does, but at least, he quenches my thirst for witty conversations. I cannot, for the life of me, decide on whose side I will be on in the battle of thinker vs. lover. Somehow, I can't have both being embodied in one man. As Luigi said, men can only use one head at a given time. And usually, if one has brains, he lacks the other, and vice versa. But ultimately, if forced to choose, Luigi says that most discerning women would choose the head that doesn't talk.
I must not be a discerning woman. In the long run, the brain that stimulates my mind holds my interest the longest. You can only do so much with the other, but with the brilliant mind comes never-ending and exciting possibilities. Funny how I would choose Shakespeare over Don Juan. But that is when I'm older, and the fun winds down. I just long for someone to talk to, not about Star Wars ideology, not about O.C. melodrama, but about philosophical things. About non-sensible things that makes sense as well. Silly me, this coming from someone who doesn't really like to use her brain.
So Luigi did send me a wire on Friday. He's doing good I suppose, like the other men that come and go through my door. They're revolving somewhere else, I know, but still manage to visit me from time to time. I don't mind that; I do the same. I'm just happy that he still supplies me with food for thought. I'm not asking much. I don't ask for anything from these men, just maybe an acknowledgment that yes, I am still alive to them. I'm not asking for commitment. I'm still too young for that. I haven't had my fill yet. And I haven't found any guy who can do it for me, emotionally I mean.
I don't know about the pony. He's the kind of guy that I'd like to hump when I see him, but nothing much else. He's silly, wild, but that it's....maybe too wild to be something else than a roll in the hay and a friend. I could talk to him too, but he gets ticked off when conversations turn a bit serious. But why am even thinking? It's all just part of the fun for him. That's how it started, and that's how it will end.
Luigi, on the other hand, is the kind of guy I want to suck his face off when I see him. I get all tingly when I see him, especially when he's being his usual charming self and flirting, not so much outrageously as the pony, but slyly. He's not too "out there" as the pony, resorting mostly to innuendos. The pony would shock most grandmas in public but Luigi can keep it down a notch, but still manage to make me hot and heavy for him. But I must admit, the chemistry is not there with Luigi, or at least, not as strong as with the pony when we passed playing and went on to the battlefield. The pony can turn the switch on just like that, but with Luigi, it takes some effort. The environment has to help, the ambiance, the mood. So it is suffice to say, that the battle between Luigi and the pony is actually the battle between the mind and the body. And it depends on who wins.
Speaking of battle, the other day I went out with my friends and a group of people. And there's this guy there whom they say is the most annoying person on the face of the planet. Well, you know what I mean. But frankly, I've had encountered more annoying people, and certainly if I, in any way shape or form, told him that he was annoying, I would just encourage him to even be more annoying. I know how it works. There are people in this world who have nothing better to do than rile you up, and the more they see that they have an effect on you, the more happy they are. And we don't want to do that folks. I just chuck this behavior up to "desperately seeking attention." Yes, because that's all they want, particularly if the person knows he is annoying and does nothing to stop it, but instead, increase his "annoying" factor. I have a brother, and I've learned my lesson. My brother sees me pissed off, the more he ruffles my feathers. I'm the one who gets all frustrated and wanting to pull my hair out and he stands there laughing at my predicament. So I have learned not to encourage him by ignoring him. Hey, whatever works.
But then, this guy has the audacity to say that I'm just playing hard to get. Well, it's not so much as "I'm playing hard to get" but "I'm not stupid enough to be gotten." Especially by people like him. What do I mean by that? Unfortunately, he's damn good looking, that I cannot deny, but that is precisely the fact that I stay away from guys like that. Is it me putting a blanket of generalized presumptions over someone whom I just barely met? Maybe. But sadly, my perceptions are often true. And I am not as naive as I was before. I'm not going to fall for that trick.
Gorgeous people often intimidate me. They're mostly vain and this one is no exception. Guys like these dump girls high and dry; after all, who could ever compete with his beauty? Or so they believe. Am I just being condescending or just plain conscious? Maybe both. But I can't help it. And so I can't help either when my face went tomato red at intervals during the whole night. But it's not what he thinks. I'm not blushing because I'm attracted to him, but because of embarassment. He kept putting me on the spot, and if I protested it, he would know which buttons to push and that, my friend, is never a good thing. You don't ever, ever pass your remote control to someone or else you are screwed. So you never divulge anything that would give him ammunition.
So it was with great surprise that I woke up yesterday morning from a dream about me kissing him. Can you say mortified? We're talking about the same guy who I am very tempted to stick a pickle up his ass and now I'm fantasizing about him in my unconsciousness. I thought it would be my body that has a mind of its own. But it seems that my dream has betrayed me. And a very good, long dream at that! How could it be? Traitor! I was wondering how it happened, since all that time, I wasn't remotely feeling attracted or even horny sitting beside him, even when he started leaning over and touching. In fact, I felt a little bit creeped out. I didn't feel the urge to hump him like I did when I am beside the married I---, Korean R --- and his friend B----, the pony or even Luigi. In fact, to tell the truth, I was more attracted to the girl sitting across him, and that is never a good sign, when I am more distracted by a hot girl instead of a hot guy. Good thing she has a boyfriend or else she might be suspicious that I was constantly checking her out. I had to divert my eyes away from her, and it didn't help when at one point she asked if there was something that spilled on her chest. o_O
I knew something was wrong when the first time I saw both of them was at a club. She was dancing with a flower in her hair and he was basically moping at the side talking to himself. When I saw her, I thought, she's one hot mama! But when I saw him, I thought, he's good-looking, but so what? I only laughed when he talked because I couldn't help but laugh, sometimes I laughed because I could see that he's trying to be funny. Oh the tragedy!
But what's more a tragedy was when my sister caught me again last night crying under the covers. I was pretending....pretending to be asleep, pretending that I've finally moved on. But I can't fool her, and I can't fool anybody. I still think of the person who blew raspberries on my tummy, who took me on a piggy-back ride, who sang to me till I cried, who loved me for a short little while for who I am. I still think of the person who made me comfortable enough to be myself that I don't need to be self-conscious or go on pretending to be someone that I'm not. I don't need to put on another face when I'm with him and I miss being me. Moreover, I miss being with him. Because other guys, though better-looking, though better than he is, better off financially that is, didn't make me feel the way he did. And that is....special.
I must not be a discerning woman. In the long run, the brain that stimulates my mind holds my interest the longest. You can only do so much with the other, but with the brilliant mind comes never-ending and exciting possibilities. Funny how I would choose Shakespeare over Don Juan. But that is when I'm older, and the fun winds down. I just long for someone to talk to, not about Star Wars ideology, not about O.C. melodrama, but about philosophical things. About non-sensible things that makes sense as well. Silly me, this coming from someone who doesn't really like to use her brain.
So Luigi did send me a wire on Friday. He's doing good I suppose, like the other men that come and go through my door. They're revolving somewhere else, I know, but still manage to visit me from time to time. I don't mind that; I do the same. I'm just happy that he still supplies me with food for thought. I'm not asking much. I don't ask for anything from these men, just maybe an acknowledgment that yes, I am still alive to them. I'm not asking for commitment. I'm still too young for that. I haven't had my fill yet. And I haven't found any guy who can do it for me, emotionally I mean.
I don't know about the pony. He's the kind of guy that I'd like to hump when I see him, but nothing much else. He's silly, wild, but that it's....maybe too wild to be something else than a roll in the hay and a friend. I could talk to him too, but he gets ticked off when conversations turn a bit serious. But why am even thinking? It's all just part of the fun for him. That's how it started, and that's how it will end.
Luigi, on the other hand, is the kind of guy I want to suck his face off when I see him. I get all tingly when I see him, especially when he's being his usual charming self and flirting, not so much outrageously as the pony, but slyly. He's not too "out there" as the pony, resorting mostly to innuendos. The pony would shock most grandmas in public but Luigi can keep it down a notch, but still manage to make me hot and heavy for him. But I must admit, the chemistry is not there with Luigi, or at least, not as strong as with the pony when we passed playing and went on to the battlefield. The pony can turn the switch on just like that, but with Luigi, it takes some effort. The environment has to help, the ambiance, the mood. So it is suffice to say, that the battle between Luigi and the pony is actually the battle between the mind and the body. And it depends on who wins.
Speaking of battle, the other day I went out with my friends and a group of people. And there's this guy there whom they say is the most annoying person on the face of the planet. Well, you know what I mean. But frankly, I've had encountered more annoying people, and certainly if I, in any way shape or form, told him that he was annoying, I would just encourage him to even be more annoying. I know how it works. There are people in this world who have nothing better to do than rile you up, and the more they see that they have an effect on you, the more happy they are. And we don't want to do that folks. I just chuck this behavior up to "desperately seeking attention." Yes, because that's all they want, particularly if the person knows he is annoying and does nothing to stop it, but instead, increase his "annoying" factor. I have a brother, and I've learned my lesson. My brother sees me pissed off, the more he ruffles my feathers. I'm the one who gets all frustrated and wanting to pull my hair out and he stands there laughing at my predicament. So I have learned not to encourage him by ignoring him. Hey, whatever works.
But then, this guy has the audacity to say that I'm just playing hard to get. Well, it's not so much as "I'm playing hard to get" but "I'm not stupid enough to be gotten." Especially by people like him. What do I mean by that? Unfortunately, he's damn good looking, that I cannot deny, but that is precisely the fact that I stay away from guys like that. Is it me putting a blanket of generalized presumptions over someone whom I just barely met? Maybe. But sadly, my perceptions are often true. And I am not as naive as I was before. I'm not going to fall for that trick.
Gorgeous people often intimidate me. They're mostly vain and this one is no exception. Guys like these dump girls high and dry; after all, who could ever compete with his beauty? Or so they believe. Am I just being condescending or just plain conscious? Maybe both. But I can't help it. And so I can't help either when my face went tomato red at intervals during the whole night. But it's not what he thinks. I'm not blushing because I'm attracted to him, but because of embarassment. He kept putting me on the spot, and if I protested it, he would know which buttons to push and that, my friend, is never a good thing. You don't ever, ever pass your remote control to someone or else you are screwed. So you never divulge anything that would give him ammunition.
So it was with great surprise that I woke up yesterday morning from a dream about me kissing him. Can you say mortified? We're talking about the same guy who I am very tempted to stick a pickle up his ass and now I'm fantasizing about him in my unconsciousness. I thought it would be my body that has a mind of its own. But it seems that my dream has betrayed me. And a very good, long dream at that! How could it be? Traitor! I was wondering how it happened, since all that time, I wasn't remotely feeling attracted or even horny sitting beside him, even when he started leaning over and touching. In fact, I felt a little bit creeped out. I didn't feel the urge to hump him like I did when I am beside the married I---, Korean R --- and his friend B----, the pony or even Luigi. In fact, to tell the truth, I was more attracted to the girl sitting across him, and that is never a good sign, when I am more distracted by a hot girl instead of a hot guy. Good thing she has a boyfriend or else she might be suspicious that I was constantly checking her out. I had to divert my eyes away from her, and it didn't help when at one point she asked if there was something that spilled on her chest. o_O
I knew something was wrong when the first time I saw both of them was at a club. She was dancing with a flower in her hair and he was basically moping at the side talking to himself. When I saw her, I thought, she's one hot mama! But when I saw him, I thought, he's good-looking, but so what? I only laughed when he talked because I couldn't help but laugh, sometimes I laughed because I could see that he's trying to be funny. Oh the tragedy!
But what's more a tragedy was when my sister caught me again last night crying under the covers. I was pretending....pretending to be asleep, pretending that I've finally moved on. But I can't fool her, and I can't fool anybody. I still think of the person who blew raspberries on my tummy, who took me on a piggy-back ride, who sang to me till I cried, who loved me for a short little while for who I am. I still think of the person who made me comfortable enough to be myself that I don't need to be self-conscious or go on pretending to be someone that I'm not. I don't need to put on another face when I'm with him and I miss being me. Moreover, I miss being with him. Because other guys, though better-looking, though better than he is, better off financially that is, didn't make me feel the way he did. And that is....special.