(no subject)
Yup, so yesterday I got real excited because I have a 3.8 GPA for my last semester at Nazareth. I looked up my grades and went bounding around the house, yelling and singing cause I worked my ass off for those grades. Man, I feel good.
Yep, I baked christmas cookies all day yesterday and realized that I can not really make good cookies. I can make any kind of entree or roast imaginable and any kind of cake, pie, or bread, but not freaking cookies. Wonders never cease. The batter was way too runny, and sticky, so I ended up throwing the first one out and starting all over. Wasting food bugs the shit outta me, but this batter was wicked bad. Oh well, I tried.
Yeah, yesterday: Since it was snowing quite beautifully all day, I put on my headphones and went in the backyard, listening to Radiohead's Idioteque( always reminds me of a snow storm) It's sort of a tradition I have in winter, I listen to that song to make myself more sorrowful than usual...a guess it's sort of masochistic, but for some reason it's rather comforting as well. I'm planning on visiting Jenn in about a month. This thought keeps my energy up. I always miss that gal.
It's funny how natural things like snow and wind can remind a person of childhood happenings.Christmas is getting more and more intolerable for me personally. I thought of how my sister Julie and I, when we were about 7 and 8, used to wrap up a piece of paper as if it were a gift and give it to someone in our family( usaully Tony). He'd open the paper and written on it was: "Nice Present huh? It's a Trick!" Yeah, we used to think that was funny as hell...my my how things change. I remember going downstairs at like 4 in the morning, and shaking every one of the presents and Julie and I would guess what they were...now I barely see her.
I can pretend all I want that I'm still close to her. I'm not. I have no idea who this person is anymore. It's no longer my best friend, my sister, it's a person who has no identity anymore, who is controlled by someone else... and THIS element is the scary part. I know what it's like to be controlled like that...the darkest time of my life(Dan). I hate to think that this is happening to her. I have found that I start to shake with fury about the whole situation, and I cry, not sob, but tears, stream and river down from my eyes. I can't see, nor do I want to. My heart hurts bad for my sister, and what sucks about it is that she's 24, she is an adult, and she has a rational, reasoning mind. I can not deny that. She is no child. I'm younger than her, and I feel like I should protect her and save her...but the reality is that I can't. I have to pray and wait... it's torture.
I don't even want to go home for Christmas. I'm terrified of going into the house, and seeing my mother crying for my sister and my father, angered by the whole situation, get mad and yell at me...far too redundant, and far too gut-tearing. I'm aged, very wrinkled in the mind, very dark and clouded. I'm great at pretending all is well though...as much as I want to yell at every one of my family members to open their eyes, I don't. I suck it up, and bear my teeth. However, I feel like the smile I think I'm giving looks more like a sneer as of late. I apologize for this post...very emotionally driven, but I feel a tad better now that I wrote these thoughts down.
Have a good Christmas kids...
Yep, I baked christmas cookies all day yesterday and realized that I can not really make good cookies. I can make any kind of entree or roast imaginable and any kind of cake, pie, or bread, but not freaking cookies. Wonders never cease. The batter was way too runny, and sticky, so I ended up throwing the first one out and starting all over. Wasting food bugs the shit outta me, but this batter was wicked bad. Oh well, I tried.
Yeah, yesterday: Since it was snowing quite beautifully all day, I put on my headphones and went in the backyard, listening to Radiohead's Idioteque( always reminds me of a snow storm) It's sort of a tradition I have in winter, I listen to that song to make myself more sorrowful than usual...a guess it's sort of masochistic, but for some reason it's rather comforting as well. I'm planning on visiting Jenn in about a month. This thought keeps my energy up. I always miss that gal.
It's funny how natural things like snow and wind can remind a person of childhood happenings.Christmas is getting more and more intolerable for me personally. I thought of how my sister Julie and I, when we were about 7 and 8, used to wrap up a piece of paper as if it were a gift and give it to someone in our family( usaully Tony). He'd open the paper and written on it was: "Nice Present huh? It's a Trick!" Yeah, we used to think that was funny as hell...my my how things change. I remember going downstairs at like 4 in the morning, and shaking every one of the presents and Julie and I would guess what they were...now I barely see her.
I can pretend all I want that I'm still close to her. I'm not. I have no idea who this person is anymore. It's no longer my best friend, my sister, it's a person who has no identity anymore, who is controlled by someone else... and THIS element is the scary part. I know what it's like to be controlled like that...the darkest time of my life(Dan). I hate to think that this is happening to her. I have found that I start to shake with fury about the whole situation, and I cry, not sob, but tears, stream and river down from my eyes. I can't see, nor do I want to. My heart hurts bad for my sister, and what sucks about it is that she's 24, she is an adult, and she has a rational, reasoning mind. I can not deny that. She is no child. I'm younger than her, and I feel like I should protect her and save her...but the reality is that I can't. I have to pray and wait... it's torture.
I don't even want to go home for Christmas. I'm terrified of going into the house, and seeing my mother crying for my sister and my father, angered by the whole situation, get mad and yell at me...far too redundant, and far too gut-tearing. I'm aged, very wrinkled in the mind, very dark and clouded. I'm great at pretending all is well though...as much as I want to yell at every one of my family members to open their eyes, I don't. I suck it up, and bear my teeth. However, I feel like the smile I think I'm giving looks more like a sneer as of late. I apologize for this post...very emotionally driven, but I feel a tad better now that I wrote these thoughts down.
Have a good Christmas kids...