stupid, stupid, stupid
today's stats: hours slept - 12; tasks actually accomplished today - 2 (that's 1/2 laundry, 1/2 gym (more below), and 1 coffee shop/reading); friends who return my calls - 0
okay. so i am officially pathetic. you all already knew that, but i've been putting off actually wearing that title until today. let me just tell you what happened, then judge for yourself the level of my patheticness (is that a word? or maybe patheticity? pathos?). remember the girl - the 2 times in 2 days girl? flirted with her briefly at work a couple of weeks ago then saw her the next day at the gym. well, guess who i saw at the gym today? now to be perfectly honest, i can't say i haven't been looking for her. but i haven't done the whole SWF thing. yet. so i see her. i start my workout and watch her the whole time. she was moving around everywhere really slow (except for when she was hauling ass on the treadmill). i don't know if she recognized me, but i'm pretty sure she did. well, like 3 times she walks by me, or i walk by her, and i can't fucking bring myself to look at her. i just wanted to make some small talk, ask her her name, seem like i was interested. i couldn't do it. i am so fucking stupid and pathetic i could just break something. i seriously need some help. self-esteem, self-confidence, something. i cannot go through life waiting until i am drunk or high to loosen up enough to talk to strangers. it's like whatever fear my mom drilled into my head as a kid has morphed over time and through bad experiences into this fear of making the first move. it's the same old shit. i'm afraid to be rejected so i don't even try. i make myself seem anything but interested. but i am interested!!!! fuck.
okay. so i am officially pathetic. you all already knew that, but i've been putting off actually wearing that title until today. let me just tell you what happened, then judge for yourself the level of my patheticness (is that a word? or maybe patheticity? pathos?). remember the girl - the 2 times in 2 days girl? flirted with her briefly at work a couple of weeks ago then saw her the next day at the gym. well, guess who i saw at the gym today? now to be perfectly honest, i can't say i haven't been looking for her. but i haven't done the whole SWF thing. yet. so i see her. i start my workout and watch her the whole time. she was moving around everywhere really slow (except for when she was hauling ass on the treadmill). i don't know if she recognized me, but i'm pretty sure she did. well, like 3 times she walks by me, or i walk by her, and i can't fucking bring myself to look at her. i just wanted to make some small talk, ask her her name, seem like i was interested. i couldn't do it. i am so fucking stupid and pathetic i could just break something. i seriously need some help. self-esteem, self-confidence, something. i cannot go through life waiting until i am drunk or high to loosen up enough to talk to strangers. it's like whatever fear my mom drilled into my head as a kid has morphed over time and through bad experiences into this fear of making the first move. it's the same old shit. i'm afraid to be rejected so i don't even try. i make myself seem anything but interested. but i am interested!!!! fuck.