(no subject)
It's hard to believe that you can feel so alone when you're so surrounded. Except, here I breathe. Here when I am by myself I am alive. I constantly feel tears, tired ones of battle, they ache for me like I ache for what cannot be obtained. I try so hard to be what they want, what you want, but it isn't easy when your whole world is black. Without you I am nothing, with you I gain something. I have a passion that I let burn out and the ashes have stood to long to ever glow an emblazoned orange again. I'd burn myself on their memory to show you that I can give every last part of me to you, if you would just say that you love me. If you weren't afraid to touch me in front of people. I can't think about alcohol, and how it hurt me. Burning down my throat, eyes watering, visions gone. It is never coming back. The couch still aches, the rug still scratches and every stomp up those stairs burns my nostrils with the stench of regret. Regret that sometimes is not even my own, just hangs limply like my body does now when I feel alone. "Helen, it just happened, it just happened." I was 12 and I was destroyed. People can rebuild. I cannot. I am not people. There is an ache from the nonexistent work I do to my body, please feed me it screams but no amount of food can satisfy. I want to be in here alone, but I get so scared that alone will turn into forever. I scare myself that alone should be forever. I want nothing more to roll over and your face to be there, and for you to feel the same about me. My life is changing, but you are the one who is forgetting. Please never. Someday I will be skinny, and beautiful. Those bags will be tired from proper things like children, and family. Not from crazy thoughts from 3 am. If I am lost in myself forever, will you please come find me? Knock knock? Who is there? Me. Who is me? I'm not sure.