venting ironic heavy topics
For the past few days, my roommate [distant girlfriend] has been vocally disgusted with my 'sickness' or more to the point, my failure to be well. What she speaks of is of course my allergies, which I would gladly give up should the opportunity arise. However I can't and the doctors' advice offers no charity. I know my medications like no other, but they don't appear to know my aliments or me that well. Again the roommate insists that I am doing nothing to remedy my miserable ness, and I just need to 'fix it', she is tired of my condition.
This burns me up for several reasons.
One. The irony is unreal.
Since I would be accurately labeled as a partner of a rape survivor, I accepted the fact that she can't just 'fix it'. And while she has had to cope with my allergic suffering for 3 weeks, I have had to deal with being compared to sexual predators [scum of the earth] for the past 3 years. But after all, I have a penis, so I must be guilty regardless of my harmless nerd track record. Truth be told, my hatred for rapists has boiled to the point of plasma because of our relationship. I fear what I would do if I ever caught someone in the act. I have read articles, books, and even talked to her therapist(s) on the subject -- anything that can help me help her.
Dealing with her while she is dealing with her issues has been my hardest challenge to date. It has shot my self-esteem to hell; not being able to turn on your own girlfriend can have that effect. But from my reading I am told that I just have to 'suck it up' and give her space to heal. Giving her space and compromising most of everything seems to be the theme for partners of survivors. I have never felt this kind of pain before.
So for her to show little sympathy and no support for me in my time of need... it makes me really sad.
Two. I have sought help.
My monthly health insurance just went from $90 to $120. When I inventory my visits around 80% of them are related to allergies. That, with a $15 co-pay and 50% to $20 per medication works out to be hundreds if not thousands of dollars devoted to me conquering allergies. If my roommate had been pissed about the doctors' failure to provide a solution that would be fine. But to turn it on me like I haven't done a thing, that isn't fair.
Three. She is the only real thing holding me in Utah.
I have some great incredible friends here; a non-profit I am proud to be a part of; and the opportunity to be an active uncle in the next month. But honestly the only reason I am still here is --her. I am done with school, the work I have been doing I could do anywhere, and I have little to pack. So why shouldn't I seek the only cure to my allergies and live near the ocean air?
I am left here pondering if my persistence to help her and make this relationship work has turned to an obstinate, severe beating of a dead horse. This is mental anguish on top of my physical suffering... I just don't know anymore.
Just don't know what to do right now.
This burns me up for several reasons.
One. The irony is unreal.
Since I would be accurately labeled as a partner of a rape survivor, I accepted the fact that she can't just 'fix it'. And while she has had to cope with my allergic suffering for 3 weeks, I have had to deal with being compared to sexual predators [scum of the earth] for the past 3 years. But after all, I have a penis, so I must be guilty regardless of my harmless nerd track record. Truth be told, my hatred for rapists has boiled to the point of plasma because of our relationship. I fear what I would do if I ever caught someone in the act. I have read articles, books, and even talked to her therapist(s) on the subject -- anything that can help me help her.
Dealing with her while she is dealing with her issues has been my hardest challenge to date. It has shot my self-esteem to hell; not being able to turn on your own girlfriend can have that effect. But from my reading I am told that I just have to 'suck it up' and give her space to heal. Giving her space and compromising most of everything seems to be the theme for partners of survivors. I have never felt this kind of pain before.
So for her to show little sympathy and no support for me in my time of need... it makes me really sad.
Two. I have sought help.
My monthly health insurance just went from $90 to $120. When I inventory my visits around 80% of them are related to allergies. That, with a $15 co-pay and 50% to $20 per medication works out to be hundreds if not thousands of dollars devoted to me conquering allergies. If my roommate had been pissed about the doctors' failure to provide a solution that would be fine. But to turn it on me like I haven't done a thing, that isn't fair.
Three. She is the only real thing holding me in Utah.
I have some great incredible friends here; a non-profit I am proud to be a part of; and the opportunity to be an active uncle in the next month. But honestly the only reason I am still here is --her. I am done with school, the work I have been doing I could do anywhere, and I have little to pack. So why shouldn't I seek the only cure to my allergies and live near the ocean air?
I am left here pondering if my persistence to help her and make this relationship work has turned to an obstinate, severe beating of a dead horse. This is mental anguish on top of my physical suffering... I just don't know anymore.
Just don't know what to do right now.