Hello again, Journal.
So, I had resolved to post in you more often...but here you are, sitting neglected once more.
I had been going pretty strong for a little bit back. I had no excess of thoughts requiring expulsion from my mind into some written form. But now it feels like there's a clog, and so I came rushing back to you. I hope you'll have my back. It would be awkward otherwise.
So, May has been an interesting month. I turned 27, and didn't have time to plan out any sort of Birthday celebrations. I was so wrapped up in theatre stuff that I didn't really have time to celebrate my own life. It's not a big deal, really. But sadly enough, I wound up working a double on my Birthday, which I'd sworn in the past few years never to do again. I have to re-swear this now, because it fucking sucks.
I had a 10-minute play premier tonight at the DC Queer Theatre Festival. Due to whatever circumstances, I wound up in it as well, which made me feel pretty douchey. "Hey, I wrote a play...and I'm one of the two actors in it!" After two days of memorizing lines that I wrote, and after one 'blocking' rehearsal, we put it up. It sounded like it was quite successful, at least from the audience reaction and applause. Now I just have to do this two more times, and it's done.
My main source of stress is coming from the Fringe show I'm working on, which I'm also the de facto leader. I've been trying to shed the leadership role on this project, but since we've no Stage Manager, and I'm in charge of scheduling, it makes sense that everyone looks to me for answers. However, I've made the mistake of being far too lenient and kind, which is an egregious error on my part. In trying to not appear leaderlike, I've probably been too lax, and now I fear some of the actors are taking advantage of that kindness.
We're beginning to have problems, and the kind that I'd hoped to avoid at all costs. Such is the nature of an organic piece, of course. What I find most alarming is that the first thing to go is professionalism. One actor added conflicts without telling us. Another flat out didn't show up to the scheduled rehearsal tonight, and hasn't returned any texts or calls. To make matters more awkward, he's my friend.
I have no idea how to proceed in this situation. I need to put my foot down, obviously.
* * *
I've come to a sort of crossroads, somewhat forced upon me tonight. I have to revisit something that I've been mulling over for the past few months. Do I focus my attention on my company, or do I focus my attention on my own career? The future of the company has been dumped squarely on my shoulders alone now, and I need to figure out how I'm going to proceed. This is the passionfruit metaphor that I use...but this time I need to more carefully plot this out. I have aspirations as a writer, director, actor and producer...but I simply can't wear all of those hats all the time. Within my own company, I would, ideally, have the freedom to go about doing all four. However, I know that I'll spend most of my time simply running the company, rather than any of the rest of them.
So the question is, do I continue to forge open doors for myself as an individual artist, or do I go forward with a company and try to forge open a different set of doors. I'm a bit resentful that I have to make this choice, sadly. It's not one I'm looking forward to making. But I have too many dreams. How to choose between dreams?
* * *
I've felt the ugly head of depression rearing up recently. I know my warning signs, but I'm quite powerless to stop it from happening. I'm pretty sure I'm about to fall into a deep one, combated only by the fact that I'm too busy to deal with it. Let's see how this goes. My enthusiasm for all of these projects is quickly sapping away.
I had been going pretty strong for a little bit back. I had no excess of thoughts requiring expulsion from my mind into some written form. But now it feels like there's a clog, and so I came rushing back to you. I hope you'll have my back. It would be awkward otherwise.
So, May has been an interesting month. I turned 27, and didn't have time to plan out any sort of Birthday celebrations. I was so wrapped up in theatre stuff that I didn't really have time to celebrate my own life. It's not a big deal, really. But sadly enough, I wound up working a double on my Birthday, which I'd sworn in the past few years never to do again. I have to re-swear this now, because it fucking sucks.
I had a 10-minute play premier tonight at the DC Queer Theatre Festival. Due to whatever circumstances, I wound up in it as well, which made me feel pretty douchey. "Hey, I wrote a play...and I'm one of the two actors in it!" After two days of memorizing lines that I wrote, and after one 'blocking' rehearsal, we put it up. It sounded like it was quite successful, at least from the audience reaction and applause. Now I just have to do this two more times, and it's done.
My main source of stress is coming from the Fringe show I'm working on, which I'm also the de facto leader. I've been trying to shed the leadership role on this project, but since we've no Stage Manager, and I'm in charge of scheduling, it makes sense that everyone looks to me for answers. However, I've made the mistake of being far too lenient and kind, which is an egregious error on my part. In trying to not appear leaderlike, I've probably been too lax, and now I fear some of the actors are taking advantage of that kindness.
We're beginning to have problems, and the kind that I'd hoped to avoid at all costs. Such is the nature of an organic piece, of course. What I find most alarming is that the first thing to go is professionalism. One actor added conflicts without telling us. Another flat out didn't show up to the scheduled rehearsal tonight, and hasn't returned any texts or calls. To make matters more awkward, he's my friend.
I have no idea how to proceed in this situation. I need to put my foot down, obviously.
* * *
I've come to a sort of crossroads, somewhat forced upon me tonight. I have to revisit something that I've been mulling over for the past few months. Do I focus my attention on my company, or do I focus my attention on my own career? The future of the company has been dumped squarely on my shoulders alone now, and I need to figure out how I'm going to proceed. This is the passionfruit metaphor that I use...but this time I need to more carefully plot this out. I have aspirations as a writer, director, actor and producer...but I simply can't wear all of those hats all the time. Within my own company, I would, ideally, have the freedom to go about doing all four. However, I know that I'll spend most of my time simply running the company, rather than any of the rest of them.
So the question is, do I continue to forge open doors for myself as an individual artist, or do I go forward with a company and try to forge open a different set of doors. I'm a bit resentful that I have to make this choice, sadly. It's not one I'm looking forward to making. But I have too many dreams. How to choose between dreams?
* * *
I've felt the ugly head of depression rearing up recently. I know my warning signs, but I'm quite powerless to stop it from happening. I'm pretty sure I'm about to fall into a deep one, combated only by the fact that I'm too busy to deal with it. Let's see how this goes. My enthusiasm for all of these projects is quickly sapping away.