Depression
Some bizarre depression has crept over me in the past few days, and I wonder if it's because it's been months since I logged down my thoughts. For once, I've not been outrageously busy. In fact, I've been procrastinating. I've had much more free time, which means much more free time to just settle in at home and relax. But perhaps I've taken the relaxing too far, thinking I have 'plenty of time' for everything else.
Maybe I'm just so used to working with so much pressure around me, that I don't have the motivations to do the things I've needed to do. In fact, I really don't feel motivated to do anything except watch TV, dabble around with my writing, and lay there listlessly, reading things of no import.
I've stopped ordering in food so much, which has been helping with my financial situation; I'd gotten into the habit of getting home late, not wanting to prepare anything, and simply ordering food from the late night delivery places. It's super unhealthy on many, many levels.
Funny enough, though, that this week I haven't done that nearly as much, and suddenly I find myself MORE depressed and MORE broke than before.
The next two weeks look thoroughly harrowing though; I have a bunch of extra shifts picked up, I have a wedding to play, a few papers to write, and I need to transcribe the Kickstarter poems and short stories onto paper, which is terribly time consuming, considering that for the poems, at least, I'm using calligraphy ink.
I let myself so easily get sucked into Facebook and Twitter, which is very annoying when I'm done. I've made many, many friends in the past year alone (since I started working on the Bacchae), most of which are theatre professionals. Career-wise, I think it's starting to show the perks of networking, but other than that, I spend a lot of time looking at dumb videos and dumb images. Many of them are funny, and serve as brilliant distractions, but they're just that: distractions.
I may just be in the depressive state between shows. Between the staged reading of "A Bid to Save the World", I've done very little theatrically, and maybe that's starting to show. I should be out auditioning, and doing all sorts of things...and I've been content to merely making and keeping up with connections.
Maybe I'm just being lazy. I'm just having difficulty working up the gumption to do worthwhile things. I've been reclusive as of late, because it requires money to go out and be social and have friends.
I've also been undergoing more body-shame as of late. I look at the actors who get cast, then look at myself, and just go "of course". Then I go home and try to eat an entire pizza out of some bizarre shame. This is silliness, and I need to find a way to tackle this problem. I've started with: "Don't try to eat an entire pizza". And now I need to try and find a way to get my brain to go: "Let's go for a walk" instead.
I also want a new job. But that's old news.
Maybe I'm just so used to working with so much pressure around me, that I don't have the motivations to do the things I've needed to do. In fact, I really don't feel motivated to do anything except watch TV, dabble around with my writing, and lay there listlessly, reading things of no import.
I've stopped ordering in food so much, which has been helping with my financial situation; I'd gotten into the habit of getting home late, not wanting to prepare anything, and simply ordering food from the late night delivery places. It's super unhealthy on many, many levels.
Funny enough, though, that this week I haven't done that nearly as much, and suddenly I find myself MORE depressed and MORE broke than before.
The next two weeks look thoroughly harrowing though; I have a bunch of extra shifts picked up, I have a wedding to play, a few papers to write, and I need to transcribe the Kickstarter poems and short stories onto paper, which is terribly time consuming, considering that for the poems, at least, I'm using calligraphy ink.
I let myself so easily get sucked into Facebook and Twitter, which is very annoying when I'm done. I've made many, many friends in the past year alone (since I started working on the Bacchae), most of which are theatre professionals. Career-wise, I think it's starting to show the perks of networking, but other than that, I spend a lot of time looking at dumb videos and dumb images. Many of them are funny, and serve as brilliant distractions, but they're just that: distractions.
I may just be in the depressive state between shows. Between the staged reading of "A Bid to Save the World", I've done very little theatrically, and maybe that's starting to show. I should be out auditioning, and doing all sorts of things...and I've been content to merely making and keeping up with connections.
Maybe I'm just being lazy. I'm just having difficulty working up the gumption to do worthwhile things. I've been reclusive as of late, because it requires money to go out and be social and have friends.
I've also been undergoing more body-shame as of late. I look at the actors who get cast, then look at myself, and just go "of course". Then I go home and try to eat an entire pizza out of some bizarre shame. This is silliness, and I need to find a way to tackle this problem. I've started with: "Don't try to eat an entire pizza". And now I need to try and find a way to get my brain to go: "Let's go for a walk" instead.
I also want a new job. But that's old news.