Emo Post
I figured I'd pop an emo post in here. However, I'm not a teenager anymore. No more emo for me.
This post is aggressively depressed.
I've been feeling particularly lost.
Dave is lost to me. All that's left of him is those intricately tangled webs of lies he weaved, bits and pieces of his former personality, and a giant douchebag to wrap it all up in.
This whole housing situation is a mess. We lost Melat and Mio to Stephen Lopez because he needs them more. (They're moving out sooner and he needs them more because there's no one else he's in contact with. We were hoping to move out sooner, but they worked out something with Melat and Mio faster...so oh well. we move on)
I'm not even sure what's going on here with me and my current roommates. I've been trying my best to make plans...but none of them are working because they're no cooperation on one side or the other. I have no clue why. I have my assumptions, but those are assumptions at best.
My romantic life is shot to complete and utter shit before it even took off. Guess that happens a lot huh? I suppose I should just return to meaningless (albeit pleasurable) hook ups with people I don't know very well. I seemed to get by just fine on those.
-_-
I sat outside on my balcony and had a good cry. Hadn't had a really good cry in awhile. The last time I cried I sat outside trying to hold back and maintain those shreds of pride I cling so tenaciously to. I couldn't even do that this time.
Because once again, I'm completely lost, without a clue as to what to do. All my major plans seem to hinge on one another, and none of them are happening. I'm sitting here and rotting while chainsmoking and feeling sorry for myself. I'm pathetic.
And that's sad too. That I've honestly felt like I've had to be strong for everyone. It seems like all these people have these problems, and I've got to sit there and worry for all of their situations and the like, but I'm not allowed to show even the slightest sign of weakness. When I do, I'm instantly swallowed up by the raging chaos' around me.
And that's incredibly selfish of me...to think that I'm helping everyone out, and oh martyr wonderful Jon Jon helping everyone with all their problems...look how great he is.
I'm willing to bet on this; that I feel like I'm doing my best to help everyone, and I feel like I'm getting crap in return.
There was a time, awhile back, where reciprocity wasn't required in my mind. If it came, it was a pleasant surprise.
Now I feel like reciprocity? Completely nonexistent. I imagine that I have to do all these things, and the only reward I get is the satisfaction that I've done something.
I need to go chainsmoke some more.
This post is aggressively depressed.
I've been feeling particularly lost.
Dave is lost to me. All that's left of him is those intricately tangled webs of lies he weaved, bits and pieces of his former personality, and a giant douchebag to wrap it all up in.
This whole housing situation is a mess. We lost Melat and Mio to Stephen Lopez because he needs them more. (They're moving out sooner and he needs them more because there's no one else he's in contact with. We were hoping to move out sooner, but they worked out something with Melat and Mio faster...so oh well. we move on)
I'm not even sure what's going on here with me and my current roommates. I've been trying my best to make plans...but none of them are working because they're no cooperation on one side or the other. I have no clue why. I have my assumptions, but those are assumptions at best.
My romantic life is shot to complete and utter shit before it even took off. Guess that happens a lot huh? I suppose I should just return to meaningless (albeit pleasurable) hook ups with people I don't know very well. I seemed to get by just fine on those.
-_-
I sat outside on my balcony and had a good cry. Hadn't had a really good cry in awhile. The last time I cried I sat outside trying to hold back and maintain those shreds of pride I cling so tenaciously to. I couldn't even do that this time.
Because once again, I'm completely lost, without a clue as to what to do. All my major plans seem to hinge on one another, and none of them are happening. I'm sitting here and rotting while chainsmoking and feeling sorry for myself. I'm pathetic.
And that's sad too. That I've honestly felt like I've had to be strong for everyone. It seems like all these people have these problems, and I've got to sit there and worry for all of their situations and the like, but I'm not allowed to show even the slightest sign of weakness. When I do, I'm instantly swallowed up by the raging chaos' around me.
And that's incredibly selfish of me...to think that I'm helping everyone out, and oh martyr wonderful Jon Jon helping everyone with all their problems...look how great he is.
I'm willing to bet on this; that I feel like I'm doing my best to help everyone, and I feel like I'm getting crap in return.
There was a time, awhile back, where reciprocity wasn't required in my mind. If it came, it was a pleasant surprise.
Now I feel like reciprocity? Completely nonexistent. I imagine that I have to do all these things, and the only reward I get is the satisfaction that I've done something.
I need to go chainsmoke some more.