(no subject)
i havnt really written in here for a while, i guess that there has been so much going on that its really hard to try and condence it all into one entry. I guess one of the most important realizations that has come to smack me right in the head is that i am severly fucked up. The more i look at my everyday thoughts, the more im beginning to wonder why i wasnt thrown into a padded room a long time ago. My whole view on reality was well...childish. Its been a bitch to try and escape from those views, but im slowely doing it. And DAMN, is life easier. But why did it take this long? i mean, is this the whole process of growing up? cause if it is, it goes by much to slow. I know people have told me these things would happen and that i would someday come to realize it (coughboriscough) but that doesnt make me feel any better. In a way it kinda makes me feel dumb for not realizing it any sooner. Then again, people develop at diffrent rates, thats why we are all diffrent. If we were all the same i would want to shoot myself...but then i would be diffrent, wouldnt i?
im actually very happy, despite the slightly idiotic way i feel, it so much easier, calmer, relaxing, LOGICAL. I actually accept myself as a person and love myself. I am beautiful in so many diffrent ways, i have so many qualities that most people dont, thats something to be proud of, theres no one else in the world exactly like me. The best thing is though, i know myself, i have a better understanding of whats going on inside of me. No more just crying sometimes for no reason (besides those cursed birthcontrol pills), i can now take a step back and see what is really going on, not just all the shit in my ehad. I also have to give myself leway, with the fact that im still learning and i cant expect myself to get everything right the first time.
Now i get to be corny (you knew it was coming). I am so lucky to have the people i have in my life today, their patience with me has been endless and that truly shows me how much they really care. I know were all working through this annoying and frustrating thing called life, but you guys have definatly made it more bearable. All the times i would call crying, or angry, or hyper for that matter, you all still loved me and listened to me (tear *omg*). anyways, enough of the emotional shit.
here are a few things i want to do, and not in like a fucking year, but hopefully in the next 4 months:
1) GO CLUBBING!!! ( Yes Erin, this is directly pointed towards you)
2) Really try hard to keep a written journal of thoughts, so maybe i can see just how emotional i get and what seems to trigger all that stupidity.
3) Eat more and better
4) Go on a LONG road trip without telling anyone where im going and just DRIVE
5) Make my mood cds, for real this time, no fack put it together in 5 minutes
6) Learn how to deal with my family better so that im not always screwed
7) Have fun and maybe actually get some more alone time with Boris
8) the last, but definatly most important, keep up remaining true to myself
im actually very happy, despite the slightly idiotic way i feel, it so much easier, calmer, relaxing, LOGICAL. I actually accept myself as a person and love myself. I am beautiful in so many diffrent ways, i have so many qualities that most people dont, thats something to be proud of, theres no one else in the world exactly like me. The best thing is though, i know myself, i have a better understanding of whats going on inside of me. No more just crying sometimes for no reason (besides those cursed birthcontrol pills), i can now take a step back and see what is really going on, not just all the shit in my ehad. I also have to give myself leway, with the fact that im still learning and i cant expect myself to get everything right the first time.
Now i get to be corny (you knew it was coming). I am so lucky to have the people i have in my life today, their patience with me has been endless and that truly shows me how much they really care. I know were all working through this annoying and frustrating thing called life, but you guys have definatly made it more bearable. All the times i would call crying, or angry, or hyper for that matter, you all still loved me and listened to me (tear *omg*). anyways, enough of the emotional shit.
here are a few things i want to do, and not in like a fucking year, but hopefully in the next 4 months:
1) GO CLUBBING!!! ( Yes Erin, this is directly pointed towards you)
2) Really try hard to keep a written journal of thoughts, so maybe i can see just how emotional i get and what seems to trigger all that stupidity.
3) Eat more and better
4) Go on a LONG road trip without telling anyone where im going and just DRIVE
5) Make my mood cds, for real this time, no fack put it together in 5 minutes
6) Learn how to deal with my family better so that im not always screwed
7) Have fun and maybe actually get some more alone time with Boris
8) the last, but definatly most important, keep up remaining true to myself