It's 7am, so this is what you get...
This morning as I drove away from the 7-11 store neat Mt. Carmel I looked at the can of Jolt Silver sitting in my cupholder. I looked at it with a mixture of love and disdain. I looked at it the way a father looks at his bastard child. And I thought of this story:
Early in his life, Jolt married Coke. She was a Cola too, so it worked out well because neither of them had to convert in order to get married. After many years they had one child who they named Cherry Bomb. But, Jolt's eyes had begun to wander and he left Coke shortly after Cherry Bomb was born. Jolt had been seeing Mountain Dew behind Coke's back for a while, and once the divorce was final Jolt and Mountain were married. Even though she was Dewish, which made Jolt's family uneasy, Jolt loved her because she was into so many different flavors.
Jolt and his Dew wife had many children. Dew had felt that the only way to keep a horse like Jolt in the stable was to bring enough kids into the picture that he had no choice but to stay. However, Jolt's children all had problems of their own. Their mother's love of flavor made it hard for some people to accept the inter-soda children in normal society.
One of their sons got really into punk music, piercings, and dying his hair weird colors. He called himself Electric Blue. Jolt, in the throes of a mid-life crisis had his can redesigned and got a couple new tattoos. Several of Jolt's children, Citrus Climax, Orange Blast, and White Lightning, disagreed with their father's lifestyle and refused to speak to him again.
At Thanksgiving dinner one year, Jolt's middle son, Red Eye, announced that he was gay and that he was changing his name to Red. Electric Blue matured slightly and decided to move to Greenwich Village and become an artist. He changed his name to simply Blue.
Jolt's only daughter, Ultra, had a string of abusive boyfriends which led her to become a born-again Christian and get on the Atkins Diet. Most recently, Jolt got drunk at an office party and wound up in bed with Sierra Mist. A couple months later Mist called Jolt to tell him that she had given birth to a baby that she was naming Silver. Jolt refused to acknowledge Silver as his own child and told Mist that if she ever tried to contact him again that he would call the police. Sierra Mist is currently suing for alimony.
Early in his life, Jolt married Coke. She was a Cola too, so it worked out well because neither of them had to convert in order to get married. After many years they had one child who they named Cherry Bomb. But, Jolt's eyes had begun to wander and he left Coke shortly after Cherry Bomb was born. Jolt had been seeing Mountain Dew behind Coke's back for a while, and once the divorce was final Jolt and Mountain were married. Even though she was Dewish, which made Jolt's family uneasy, Jolt loved her because she was into so many different flavors.
Jolt and his Dew wife had many children. Dew had felt that the only way to keep a horse like Jolt in the stable was to bring enough kids into the picture that he had no choice but to stay. However, Jolt's children all had problems of their own. Their mother's love of flavor made it hard for some people to accept the inter-soda children in normal society.
One of their sons got really into punk music, piercings, and dying his hair weird colors. He called himself Electric Blue. Jolt, in the throes of a mid-life crisis had his can redesigned and got a couple new tattoos. Several of Jolt's children, Citrus Climax, Orange Blast, and White Lightning, disagreed with their father's lifestyle and refused to speak to him again.
At Thanksgiving dinner one year, Jolt's middle son, Red Eye, announced that he was gay and that he was changing his name to Red. Electric Blue matured slightly and decided to move to Greenwich Village and become an artist. He changed his name to simply Blue.
Jolt's only daughter, Ultra, had a string of abusive boyfriends which led her to become a born-again Christian and get on the Atkins Diet. Most recently, Jolt got drunk at an office party and wound up in bed with Sierra Mist. A couple months later Mist called Jolt to tell him that she had given birth to a baby that she was naming Silver. Jolt refused to acknowledge Silver as his own child and told Mist that if she ever tried to contact him again that he would call the police. Sierra Mist is currently suing for alimony.