My truth about breastfeeding
I have been feeling compelled all morning to get my thoughts out and write about my breastfeeding experiences. I'm so happy I was brought back to LJ! :)
When I was pregnant I decided that I would like to try and breastfeed this time around. I didn't really do alot of research or reading on the subject to be honest, I just asked friends who had bf'd and looked on message boards and read about their experiences. I never said I was going to breastfeed for any specific length of time either, but I thought I'd just take the approach of "let's just see how this goes". I was a little nervous about it, but also told myself I wasn't going to be one of those moms that felt like a failure if she wasn't successful at breastfeeding.
Little did I know how all consuming breastfeeding became for me. It was all or nothing for me at one point and I can honestly say that this had to have been some sort of hormonal or biological phenom at the time. When they brought Isabella to me in the recovery room after my c/s it was an overwhelming feeling of love and protection that I felt. She was beautiful and perfect and all those cheesy things you hear new mom's say and feel...well it's all true! I didn't get to see her for about an hour or so right after the c/s, so when they brought her to me in recovery I didn't want her to go anywhere. The nurses came in to help me with the breasfeeding process(one of the nurses just happened to be my MIL) and I'll never forget how she instantly and instinctively she went right for my nipple and start suckling. I remember how sweet and fragile she seemed, and in that moment I felt so connected to her and it gave me so much purpose.
Sadly, things did not stay the same from that point on. She would latch on fairly well, but would fall asleep shortly into her feedings to the point of her not getting nearly enough to eat. To be honest the first couple of days of her life in the hospital were a bit of a blur. I was on pain meds and sleep deprived, so what I remember is hazy. But, what was clear was that my milk was not coming because Isabella was falling asleep at the breast. The nurses were all hopeful and reassured me that this was not uncommon and gave me ideas and tips on how to prevent her from falling asleep. They also brought me a pump so I could stimulate my breasts to get my milk to come in. I was doing all these things, but she was still not actively nursing like she needed to.
By the 3rd day she was loosing weight and I was really feeling frazzled. I remember the night nurse coming in and asking me if I wanted her to give the baby some formula in the bottle so I could sleep...I said no, I still wanted to try. The next day Chris told me that I needed to let the nurse take over at night, he later told me that he was worried about me because I was exhausted and the baby needed food!! That day my milk finally came in and my hormones were raging! I remember waking up and being scared to have the baby come in my room. I was scared I was going to fail again with breastfeeding and I thought I'd made a huge mistake by taking on this huge endeavour. When they brought her down to me it was obvious I'd been crying and the nurse was so nice and she talked to me about all of it. Everything I was feeling was "normal", but man did I feel anything but normal!! I have to say that the nurses at Medical City were absolutely wonderful and I could never have done it without their help.
By the time it was time for us to go Isabella had jaundice. This was because of the breastfeeding issues, but I was told that we needed to just put her in sunlight in a diaper as much as possible and keep feeding her on demand. We had gotten better with breastfeeding, but she seemed soooo tiny now that I was a wreck most of the time. I was keeping feeding logs that showed her poops and pees, and how often she was feeding. We had to take her to the doctor for weight checks and they had to take her blood to check her bilirubin levels. What a stressful time! There was alot of talk about whether or not I should supplement, but overall our pediatrician was very pro-breast and he said to just keep with bf'ing on demand. So...I did.
We made it thru all that and I continued bf'ing. Every now and again she'd take some formula in a bottle if I didn't pump any breast milk, but for the most part she was bf'ing all the time. There were times that I had considered trying to wean her, but I just couldn't seem to completely make that decision. I mean after all this hard work we went thru and now to try and wean her?? But, deep down....I was not happy. I felt so drained and exhausted from her constant nursing. There were times that I'd literally feel like I'd made the biggest mistake of my life by bf'ing her, and then of course I'd feel horribly guilty for feeling that way. I'd read online to see if I was the only one feeling like this, but it seemed all the stuff I could find was from moms that were planning on bf'ing to at least a year....even longer!!
Now that Isabella is 6 months old I am actively trying to wean her. She is taking mostly bottles during the day and in the evening she still nurses. I normally enjoy these nursing sessions now, I feel like I can appreciate the bonding time and I know that only I can give her that comfort that she really loves.
Looking back on my experiences with breastfeeding I realized that I fell into that trap of not being a good mom if I didn't give it my all. I didn't want to give up and seem like a failure, but man there were times when I wish I'd just done that very thing. I feel like I have a love/hate thing with breastfeeding. I loved the idea that I was giving my baby nourishment that came from my body, it was a powerfull feeling. But...I also hated it too...the fact that only I could give it to her was draining. I loved the bonding time, the sweetness of her being so close to me and knowing that this would be the only time in our lives that we would be this connected.
There is a part of me that thinks if I had it to do again, I would not breastfeed. Then there is another part of me that one day I will look back on this time and it will more than likely be thru rose colored glasses and I'll remember the sweet times mostly.
I feel proud of myself that I made it 6 months with exclusive breasfeeding. It was/is one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I suppose also one of the most rewarding things. I just wish that women were more truthful and honest about their experiences and how they felt about it. I know I can't be the only one, but I think there is alot of pressure on women and mothers to be perfect.
When I was pregnant I decided that I would like to try and breastfeed this time around. I didn't really do alot of research or reading on the subject to be honest, I just asked friends who had bf'd and looked on message boards and read about their experiences. I never said I was going to breastfeed for any specific length of time either, but I thought I'd just take the approach of "let's just see how this goes". I was a little nervous about it, but also told myself I wasn't going to be one of those moms that felt like a failure if she wasn't successful at breastfeeding.
Little did I know how all consuming breastfeeding became for me. It was all or nothing for me at one point and I can honestly say that this had to have been some sort of hormonal or biological phenom at the time. When they brought Isabella to me in the recovery room after my c/s it was an overwhelming feeling of love and protection that I felt. She was beautiful and perfect and all those cheesy things you hear new mom's say and feel...well it's all true! I didn't get to see her for about an hour or so right after the c/s, so when they brought her to me in recovery I didn't want her to go anywhere. The nurses came in to help me with the breasfeeding process(one of the nurses just happened to be my MIL) and I'll never forget how she instantly and instinctively she went right for my nipple and start suckling. I remember how sweet and fragile she seemed, and in that moment I felt so connected to her and it gave me so much purpose.
Sadly, things did not stay the same from that point on. She would latch on fairly well, but would fall asleep shortly into her feedings to the point of her not getting nearly enough to eat. To be honest the first couple of days of her life in the hospital were a bit of a blur. I was on pain meds and sleep deprived, so what I remember is hazy. But, what was clear was that my milk was not coming because Isabella was falling asleep at the breast. The nurses were all hopeful and reassured me that this was not uncommon and gave me ideas and tips on how to prevent her from falling asleep. They also brought me a pump so I could stimulate my breasts to get my milk to come in. I was doing all these things, but she was still not actively nursing like she needed to.
By the 3rd day she was loosing weight and I was really feeling frazzled. I remember the night nurse coming in and asking me if I wanted her to give the baby some formula in the bottle so I could sleep...I said no, I still wanted to try. The next day Chris told me that I needed to let the nurse take over at night, he later told me that he was worried about me because I was exhausted and the baby needed food!! That day my milk finally came in and my hormones were raging! I remember waking up and being scared to have the baby come in my room. I was scared I was going to fail again with breastfeeding and I thought I'd made a huge mistake by taking on this huge endeavour. When they brought her down to me it was obvious I'd been crying and the nurse was so nice and she talked to me about all of it. Everything I was feeling was "normal", but man did I feel anything but normal!! I have to say that the nurses at Medical City were absolutely wonderful and I could never have done it without their help.
By the time it was time for us to go Isabella had jaundice. This was because of the breastfeeding issues, but I was told that we needed to just put her in sunlight in a diaper as much as possible and keep feeding her on demand. We had gotten better with breastfeeding, but she seemed soooo tiny now that I was a wreck most of the time. I was keeping feeding logs that showed her poops and pees, and how often she was feeding. We had to take her to the doctor for weight checks and they had to take her blood to check her bilirubin levels. What a stressful time! There was alot of talk about whether or not I should supplement, but overall our pediatrician was very pro-breast and he said to just keep with bf'ing on demand. So...I did.
We made it thru all that and I continued bf'ing. Every now and again she'd take some formula in a bottle if I didn't pump any breast milk, but for the most part she was bf'ing all the time. There were times that I had considered trying to wean her, but I just couldn't seem to completely make that decision. I mean after all this hard work we went thru and now to try and wean her?? But, deep down....I was not happy. I felt so drained and exhausted from her constant nursing. There were times that I'd literally feel like I'd made the biggest mistake of my life by bf'ing her, and then of course I'd feel horribly guilty for feeling that way. I'd read online to see if I was the only one feeling like this, but it seemed all the stuff I could find was from moms that were planning on bf'ing to at least a year....even longer!!
Now that Isabella is 6 months old I am actively trying to wean her. She is taking mostly bottles during the day and in the evening she still nurses. I normally enjoy these nursing sessions now, I feel like I can appreciate the bonding time and I know that only I can give her that comfort that she really loves.
Looking back on my experiences with breastfeeding I realized that I fell into that trap of not being a good mom if I didn't give it my all. I didn't want to give up and seem like a failure, but man there were times when I wish I'd just done that very thing. I feel like I have a love/hate thing with breastfeeding. I loved the idea that I was giving my baby nourishment that came from my body, it was a powerfull feeling. But...I also hated it too...the fact that only I could give it to her was draining. I loved the bonding time, the sweetness of her being so close to me and knowing that this would be the only time in our lives that we would be this connected.
There is a part of me that thinks if I had it to do again, I would not breastfeed. Then there is another part of me that one day I will look back on this time and it will more than likely be thru rose colored glasses and I'll remember the sweet times mostly.
I feel proud of myself that I made it 6 months with exclusive breasfeeding. It was/is one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I suppose also one of the most rewarding things. I just wish that women were more truthful and honest about their experiences and how they felt about it. I know I can't be the only one, but I think there is alot of pressure on women and mothers to be perfect.