i wish i could say fuck it and be a hippie
Wouldn't life be so much easier? I thoroughly enjoy my hippie lifestyle, of which I know cannot go on forever. I'm not sure when I'm going to be able to give up the bare feet, smoking ganja and playing guitar. I mean I could never give up in entirety, except I might have to give up the smoking if I ever get a real job after college, even if I have my medical card. Sad day that will be.
I guess my rambling stoner rant of the morning is based on how scared I am of getting older. You can sit and tell me that I'm young and have my whole life ahead of me, it's the truth. But I see myself losing more and more direction the older I get. My battle to find a sense of purpose gets harder, rather than me finding any security. I don't want to spend the rest of my life doing something I don't find happiness in, but I don't want to spend it perpetually searching for something either.
I'm afraid that I'm never going to find the one thing that makes me truly happy that I can incorporate into a career and my every day life. Not only that, but that I'm good at and have confidence in. I suppose I might by talented in a lot of things, but when I don't share them with people I guess we'll never know. Maybe I've fallen into a rut with my self-esteem, even though I'm great at portraying myself otherwise. I'm the kind of person that thrives off of praise and encouragement, and when I don't have that I fall out of the swing of things. I get way too caught up in my own head sometimes, I need the honesty of others to snap me out of it.
I take comfort in that I feel the need to do good things with my life, that I have to accomplish something. Not only for myself, but for other people. Helping people is something I always feel compelled to do, even if I'm not looking out for myself while doing it. I wish I could teach myself to care about my own well being rather than overlooking that for others. I'm sick of doing everything for the people I care about and getting nothing in return. At the end of the day, my big heart usually leaves me broken and emotionally drained.
I worry way too much, I get bad anxiety. I go off on scatter brained tangents and don't finish my thoughts (refer to previous paragraphs). I stress myself to the point of insomnia, sometimes even when I'm stoned. The pot helps, but not on days like today when I have to be up in 3 hours and I'm spilling my inner demons onto my computer screen. Tomorrow I have to make lists. As neurotic as it might be for a person as disorganized as myself to make lists, I have to do it when I hit my breaking point of self induced stress. I think I will be a lot less of a nut job when I have a second job, am more financially stable and know I'm going to be able to go back to school in the fall. I can't believe I'm going into my 3rd year at Tech now either. I'm a college junior, and I have no idea where I'm going or what the hell I want to do. I want to do something that reminds people of how beautiful life is, not remind them of how mundane everything is, or the shit hole they live in.
Connor also needs to come see me, soon. I never realized how much I liked the asshole until I realized how much I missed him. I'm tired of sleeping alone, I need someone to kiss me. He told me I could still have cuddle buddies while he's gone, I told him it wouldn't feel right. After being such a player,-I am at a lack of a better word for it- finally I found someone who seems like they're generally serious about wanting to be with me. I don't want to feel like I'm taking that for granted. I've been single for two years now, and I'm ready to settle down for someone for a while. I've reached a place where I need structure and stability, something to rely on. I want someone to show me how to feel again, so I know I can still give myself to one person and be totally happy with it while still hanging on to who I am.
See? Life would be so much easier if I dropped all of my responsibilities, started panhandling, made love not war and smoked green all day every day. Tempting as it is, I think I should probably stick to bare feet, smoking pot, and the grateful dead. I'll compromise with part time hippie I suppose.