(no subject)
And we lost to Lodi. They're a good team, but we could have tied them, could have tied them if Buirkel hadn't been screwed out of his win for stupid shit. But coach warned him about it. Don't know how I feel on that front.
Overall, I feel like shit. So far I've spent the afternoon constantly on the verge of tears, and I hate that. I've had a stomach ache since the match started and I don't know why. And I'll never see those boys on that mat again, and that's sad.
But yeah, I'm really not having a great day and I don't know how to make it better.
I tried to explain to him why I was so hesitant, why I didn't want to let myself fall for him. I tried to trick myself into thinking I didn't adore him. But it turns out, I wasn't able to do either. All the things he ever said meant nothing, are nothing, not even fond memories anymore, because as it turns out, I was never anything more than a rebound, never anything greater than a girl you can just get naked, call pretty, and toss away. Everything I tried to help him with meant nothing, nothing because he didn't want it and didn't appreciate it. I would have given anything to see him happy, to see him succeed, to see him loving life. I still would. And I guess he is, but I hate that it's not with me. I hate that I can't share my happiness with him and I hate that he needs to be with someone else to be happy. "I've been busy, and I'm really happy for once." Too bad you were never happy with me, then. Too bad I wasted my time caring for you and listening to you. Everything you said, I retained. I don't think he realizes it, but I could tell you everything about that damn car of his. That damn car of his. I'm beginning to hate that car and it's fucking 8mpg and it's 4 inch lift and 32 inch tires. I doubt he knows I remember that. I doubt he appreciates the things I said to him, the things i made him. I know I should look at him as an asshole, but I can't. I can't because I really still do care about him, and it's embarassing, because I shouldn't. There is not a single reason I should give a shit about him except he made me feel good when no one else did, he made me have something to look forward to, he made me important. But I'm not important, not to anyone, it seems. I was worth calling every day after school, just to talk to for 15 minutes, but now I'm not worth anything. Worthless.
and he still has my houston calls CD.
Overall, I feel like shit. So far I've spent the afternoon constantly on the verge of tears, and I hate that. I've had a stomach ache since the match started and I don't know why. And I'll never see those boys on that mat again, and that's sad.
But yeah, I'm really not having a great day and I don't know how to make it better.
I tried to explain to him why I was so hesitant, why I didn't want to let myself fall for him. I tried to trick myself into thinking I didn't adore him. But it turns out, I wasn't able to do either. All the things he ever said meant nothing, are nothing, not even fond memories anymore, because as it turns out, I was never anything more than a rebound, never anything greater than a girl you can just get naked, call pretty, and toss away. Everything I tried to help him with meant nothing, nothing because he didn't want it and didn't appreciate it. I would have given anything to see him happy, to see him succeed, to see him loving life. I still would. And I guess he is, but I hate that it's not with me. I hate that I can't share my happiness with him and I hate that he needs to be with someone else to be happy. "I've been busy, and I'm really happy for once." Too bad you were never happy with me, then. Too bad I wasted my time caring for you and listening to you. Everything you said, I retained. I don't think he realizes it, but I could tell you everything about that damn car of his. That damn car of his. I'm beginning to hate that car and it's fucking 8mpg and it's 4 inch lift and 32 inch tires. I doubt he knows I remember that. I doubt he appreciates the things I said to him, the things i made him. I know I should look at him as an asshole, but I can't. I can't because I really still do care about him, and it's embarassing, because I shouldn't. There is not a single reason I should give a shit about him except he made me feel good when no one else did, he made me have something to look forward to, he made me important. But I'm not important, not to anyone, it seems. I was worth calling every day after school, just to talk to for 15 minutes, but now I'm not worth anything. Worthless.
and he still has my houston calls CD.