Punishment [5/9]
Title: Punishment [5/9]
Rating: T
Pairing, Characters: Jesse, Rachel, members of ND, OC's from VA.
Warnings: No real spoilers...
Summary: Jesse has been punishing himself for all that he has done. VA decides to punish him as well, although their punishment is a little more violent. What happens when Jesse gets dropped off at the last place he wanted to be to get taken care of?
"Jesse? What the hell?"
Rachel almost drops the tray of food she's holding for Jesse. She can't believe what Jesse is doing to himself. She can see the strain that his body is going through to keep running, regardless of his injuries and yet when he opens his eyes to look at her it's as if there is nothing there.
She slams the plate of food down on his desk, the juice sloshing over the edge of the glass. Jesse slows his run down to a walk as Rachel stares him down. He can see the fury in her eyes and Jesse knows that he is going to deserve all the vitriol that she has.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Rachel asks. "You shouldn't be doing that, you don't know how you're hurt. You could do something far worse to yourself than just some cuts and bruises."
"Nothing is wrong with me; I just needed to get in my daily exercise." Jesse responds, sarcasm lacing his voice.
"No you need to be laying in that bed healing. You need to take care of yourself!" Rachel practically yells the last part.
"I am taking care of myself. I have been taking care of myself, for the past 3 years. I don't need you to tell me what I should be doing!" Jesse snaps back, stepping off the treadmill.
He winces as he does and Rachel moves forward to help him.
"Don't touch me; I don't need your help." Jesse says backing away from Rachel.
Rachel's eyes fill with tears as she can see that Jesse does need help, but doesn't want to get it from her.
"What are you even doing here Rachel?"
"I was - I am trying to help you. You were beaten, left on my door step and clearly you haven't been taking care of yourself, so I thought that you would like me to help you."
Jesse feels warmth at Rachel's admission that she wants to help him, but he buries it under a wall of self derision.
"Well I don't need your pity Rachel."
"Fuck you." Rachel whispers and for a girl who never swears the words catch the pair of them by surprise. "If you aren't willing to accept help then you aren't worth helping."
'Aren't worth helping' The words cut at Jesse like a knife. So similar to all the others he's heard over the past couple years and he basks in the pain that they bring coming from the only person that he has ever admitted to being in love with.
"I know that I'm not worth it Rachel. I could have told you that and saved you the trouble of telling it to my face." Jesse's voice cracks and his eyes sting with unshed tears. "So why don't you just get the fuck out."
Jesse turns from Rachel and marches into his bathroom slamming the door behind him.
At the slamming of the door Rachel races from Jesse's room. She speeds her way down the stairs and out the front door. She drops on her knees on his front lawn, her breathing coming out in sharp bursts as she tries to control her sobbing. The tears fall down her cheeks and Rachel rocks forward pressing her forehead to the ground.
The words that had just come out of Jesse's mouth bit at Rachel's heart. She finally understands why Jesse might have been hurting himself, Jesse thinks that he isn't worth the help, isn't worth the kindness in this world.
Rachel doesn't know what happened in Jesse's life that has brought him to this place. All she remembers is the strong, assertive and egotistical boy who swept her off her feet. It's an image that she can't reconcile with the broken boy who seems to hate the world and himself.
Rachel pulls herself up from her knees and looks at her car sitting in the driveway. She wants to take off to leave Jesse on his own like he seems to want, but she can't. She takes a deep breath and heads back into the house. She only knows of one person who could hold any information on Jesse. Rachel finds Jesse's cell phone in the kitchen and scrolls through the contacts until she finds the number that she wants.
After locking the door behind him Jesse leans against the door and takes a deep breath. He hears Rachel race down the stairs and then out the front door. Though he hates himself for what he said, Jesse knows it's for the best to have gotten her away from him.
He moves to turn on the water, and then strips down before placing himself under the scalding stream. The hot water sooths his aching muscles but burns his cuts and Jesse bites his lip to stop from crying out.
Soon the pain fades into a dull ache and Jesse's mind wanders back through the years. The years of happiness that gave way into a sadness and guilt that no teen should ever have to deal with.
Behind his closed eyes Jesse sees the image of two curly haired boys playing soccer in the yard.
"Jesse you have to swing your leg in a strong arc." The taller of the two boys says coming over to stand next to a seven year old Jesse.
"I did that Jack." Jesse says to the eleven year old.
"I know, but you have to try a little harder."
"Ok, but after can we go watch The Lion King?"
Jack nods his head and immediately the two boys resume playing in the yard, with Jesse picking up how to nail a penalty shot.
Jesse opens his eyes and lets out a chuckle at the other memories of learning to play sports while all he wanted to do was watch Disney or sing. He closes his eyes and this time the memory is different.
The two boys are now twelve and sixteen. Jack is standing next to a set of four wheelers waiting for Jesse to come out of the cottage. Finally the boy emerges, followed closely by his mother.
"Jack make sure that you don't do anything foolish."
"Yes mother," he replies condescendingly. "Come on Jess, it's time to see if you can finally beat me on this thing."
"You're so on and I have been practicing so I doubt that you will be able to beat me Jack." Jesse says hopping onto the back of the four-wheeler.
"Wanna bet?" Jack asks and Jesse nods. "If I win you have to come with me to see a couple hockey games."
"If I win you're coming with me to go see Wicked." Jesse counters and Jack groans.
"Seriously dude you must be gay."
"Fuck off, I like girls and I like musical theatre. Deal?"
"Deal."
The two boys take off racing for the other side of the ravine.
Jesse remembers Jack's face when he had lost. It was the beginning of trips to New York to catch Broadway shows and hockey games. The two of them would spend weekends at their parent's condo hanging out and just talking. Though there was a four year age difference the two brothers were each other's best friend. The memories flick through Jesse and Jack playing hockey, Jack's high school graduation, Jack cheering on Jesse as he performed with Vocal Adrenalin as a freshman, family dinners, Christmases and love between brothers.
Jesse closes his eyes one last time as his hand brushes over a faded scar on his forearm.
"Ok Jess I think it's time to take you home," Jack says after they finish their dinner.
Jesse has been visiting Jack at OSU. Going into their sophomore years in their respective schools has not only given them more confidence but it has also made their friendship stronger as they talk every day.
"Fine. Plus I have to get a good night's sleep; Shelby's going to start intense practice for sectionals soon."
"Are you serious? It's only the beginning of August."
"Hey she demands perfection and this year I plan to deliver and snag a least a solo."
"Well I've seen you perform and you deserve it."
"I do, don't I?" Jesse responds smugly.
"Don't let it go to your head."
Jesse rolls his eyes and Jack covers the tab for dinner. The two boys go out to the car and Jack starts driving back to his parent's. Stopped at a red light the last thing Jesse remembers is the crunching of glass and a searing pain in his arm.
The water is running cold on his skin, so Jesse shuts it off. He steps out of the tub and grabs a pair of clean boxers and pyjama pants. After throwing them on Jesse walks into his brother's room, not fully closing the door behind him. He sits on the bed thinking about what came after the accident.
Jesse is sitting on Jack's bed. It's been three weeks since the accident, his arm is still in a cast and his brother is still gone. His brother will always be gone now. The drunk driver made sure of that. He's sitting on the bed humming a tune when his mother finds him.
"What the hell are you doing in here?" She asks, tears choking her voice.
Jesse opens and closes his mouth he has no response.
"I told you not to come in here."
"I'm just trying to remember Jack." He whispers.
"We all are, but we shouldn't have to be. This is your fault. If you hadn't decided that you wanted to go to OSU to visit him."
"Mom," Jesse feels a tear slip down his cheek as his mother blames him for his brother's death.
"It should have been you. NOW GET THE HELL OUT!" His mother yells.
Jesse runs. He runs until he can't breath, can't think, and can't feel anything but the pain in his muscles.
Jesse's face crumples at the memory, tears making their way down his face as he thinks on the first moment that he wasn't good enough, wasn't the right son. From that moment on his parents grew distant and cold, serving only to remind him that he wasn't good enough for them. His mind reels with fights, whispered comments of Jesse not being good enough, blaming him for the death of Jack.
Jesse collapses on the bed thinking on the last words Rachel said:
"You aren't worth helping."
Rachel's finger hovers over the contact name; she inhales a deep breath before pressing the send button. The phone rings twice before a tired voice picks up the phone.
"Jess I can't really talk right now. Beth's cranky and I'm exhausted, can I call you back…"
"Shelby?" Rachel cuts off the woman's speech.
"Yes, who is this? Where's Jesse?" Shelby asks a little worriedly.
"It's Rachel, umm" Rachel's voice cracks.
"Rachel? What's wrong?" Shelby asks tentatively.
She knows that she is partly to blame for how Jesse acted towards her daughter, what she's worried about is why Rachel is using Jesse's phone.
"Jesse. He - he I don't know what's wrong. He won't tell me, but something happened to him and now he's all messed up and he's hurting himself." Rachel lets out a gasp; she didn't mean to let that last part slip out.
"What do you mean he's hurting himself Rachel?" Shelby asks her voice calm but concerned. Almost as if she has experienced something like this before.
"Umm"
"Rachel." Shelby says firmly.
"He was beat up. He was beaten badly and then left on my front porch. He looked as if someone had tried to kill him. I cleaned him up but he wouldn't talk, he wouldn't say who did it. And his eyes they looked so empty, almost as if he really were a soulless automaton." Rachel takes a breath before continuing. "I brought him home last night and this morning I found him running on the treadmill. I know it seems weird to be concerned about that but it's not good for him to be doing that, I don't know the extent of all his injuries and that running could have made it worse. And he didn't seem to care. And that's not the only thing. He has cuts, lines of them along his biceps. Some are more healed then others. I think he did that to himself. I just…"
Rachel can't finish the sentence. She's in way over her head and though she feels lighter for telling Shelby, she can't help but still feel the need to protect and save Jesse.
"Rachel there's something that you need to know about Jesse." Shelby starts then pauses collecting her thoughts. "For all his arrogance, ego and confidence he is broken underneath. He's lonely and he has been for a few years now."
"I don't understand." Rachel says trying to bring the two images of Jesse together in her mind.
"I've seen Jesse like that only once before, it wasn't this bad though. It was the summer before his sophomore year; right after his brother was killed by a drunk driver."
The news hits Rachel. In the months that she dated Jesse she had never heard about a brother. In fact she never heard anything about Jesse's family only that his parents were out of the country. Rachel wants to question Shelby about the brother and the family but Shelby cuts her off and tells her what happened last time.
Shelby explains how Jesse grew distant in the month of August as he sat out rehearsals with a broken arm.
However the shutting off from the outside world wasn't the only problem. Shelby would often find Jesse in the auditorium before school and after VA practice in the evenings going over routines until he would collapse on the stage with exhaustion. Soon she noticed that Jesse's voice was losing that magic that made him a star, that drive to carry on and she became worried for her future star. It wasn't until she found him sitting on the stage with a blade in his hand that she finally confronted Jesse. He came clean admitting that his parents blamed him, even claimed to hate him because of Jack's death.
After that moment and through the rest of the year Shelby helped Jesse heal. Helped him find his way and he soon found his way back to the confident boy he was before. But always behind his eyes was a darkness that seemed to be waiting to swallow him again.
"…I guess became a parent to him since his gave up. And so I made sure that he was always ok and it seemed that he was, I just never thought it would happen again."
At hearing those words Rachel realizes why Jesse would feel compelled to help in Shelby's plan, he felt that he owed her for saving him. She also hears Shelby crying, she knows that the woman feels that she's let down another of her children.
"Shelby?"
"Yes?"
"Thank you, for telling me." Rachel says. "I have to go check on him."
"Rachel, take care of him. I'll come by on Monday to talk with him." Shelby says, hoping that Rachel can endure the rest of the day and all day Sunday with Jesse.
"OK. Bye Shelby."
"Bye Rachel."
Rachel stares at the phone in her hand, looking at it as if it will give her a map to figure out how to process all the information that she just got. Jesse has - had - a brother, a brother who he was close to, a brother who was taken to early and left Jesse to cold parents.
Rachel glances at the stairs. She understands now why Jesse's home feels so unlived and unloved in. His parents aren't around and he's had to cope with life on his own. This time she surmises that it is worse because everything is changing for him and he doesn't have a solid base to call home, not with VA, not with his absent parents and no longer with Shelby who is taking care of a new born.
With a new resolve Rachel makes her way back upstairs. She won't leave Jesse on his own, she will help him. She looks into his room, but finds it empty. She ventures back into the hallway and down towards the other room. The door is slightly ajar and she can hear hushed whispers.
"…I don't know if I can do this any more Jack. Everything used to make sense and it was good and then I met Rachel and everything got a little confusing but life was perfect. She was perfect and I knew that I was going to hurt her, but I didn't want to. I realized too late that I loved her and that I shouldn't have agreed to the transfer. If I hadn't done that VA would never have thought I was going soft and I wouldn't have had to hurt the only other person in this world that made me feel happy."
She hears Jesse pull in a ragged breath before continuing.
"Oh god Jack it just hurts so much and I can't - I don't know if I can keep on like this. It wouldn't be hard Jack to go, it's not like anyone would miss me and it's not like there's anything to keep me here either."
With those words Rachel's tears spill out of her eyes. She slides her back down the wall and cries for her own heart ache and for the broken boy who feels so alone in this world that he would end his life.
Rating: T
Pairing, Characters: Jesse, Rachel, members of ND, OC's from VA.
Warnings: No real spoilers...
Summary: Jesse has been punishing himself for all that he has done. VA decides to punish him as well, although their punishment is a little more violent. What happens when Jesse gets dropped off at the last place he wanted to be to get taken care of?
"Jesse? What the hell?"
Rachel almost drops the tray of food she's holding for Jesse. She can't believe what Jesse is doing to himself. She can see the strain that his body is going through to keep running, regardless of his injuries and yet when he opens his eyes to look at her it's as if there is nothing there.
She slams the plate of food down on his desk, the juice sloshing over the edge of the glass. Jesse slows his run down to a walk as Rachel stares him down. He can see the fury in her eyes and Jesse knows that he is going to deserve all the vitriol that she has.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Rachel asks. "You shouldn't be doing that, you don't know how you're hurt. You could do something far worse to yourself than just some cuts and bruises."
"Nothing is wrong with me; I just needed to get in my daily exercise." Jesse responds, sarcasm lacing his voice.
"No you need to be laying in that bed healing. You need to take care of yourself!" Rachel practically yells the last part.
"I am taking care of myself. I have been taking care of myself, for the past 3 years. I don't need you to tell me what I should be doing!" Jesse snaps back, stepping off the treadmill.
He winces as he does and Rachel moves forward to help him.
"Don't touch me; I don't need your help." Jesse says backing away from Rachel.
Rachel's eyes fill with tears as she can see that Jesse does need help, but doesn't want to get it from her.
"What are you even doing here Rachel?"
"I was - I am trying to help you. You were beaten, left on my door step and clearly you haven't been taking care of yourself, so I thought that you would like me to help you."
Jesse feels warmth at Rachel's admission that she wants to help him, but he buries it under a wall of self derision.
"Well I don't need your pity Rachel."
"Fuck you." Rachel whispers and for a girl who never swears the words catch the pair of them by surprise. "If you aren't willing to accept help then you aren't worth helping."
'Aren't worth helping' The words cut at Jesse like a knife. So similar to all the others he's heard over the past couple years and he basks in the pain that they bring coming from the only person that he has ever admitted to being in love with.
"I know that I'm not worth it Rachel. I could have told you that and saved you the trouble of telling it to my face." Jesse's voice cracks and his eyes sting with unshed tears. "So why don't you just get the fuck out."
Jesse turns from Rachel and marches into his bathroom slamming the door behind him.
At the slamming of the door Rachel races from Jesse's room. She speeds her way down the stairs and out the front door. She drops on her knees on his front lawn, her breathing coming out in sharp bursts as she tries to control her sobbing. The tears fall down her cheeks and Rachel rocks forward pressing her forehead to the ground.
The words that had just come out of Jesse's mouth bit at Rachel's heart. She finally understands why Jesse might have been hurting himself, Jesse thinks that he isn't worth the help, isn't worth the kindness in this world.
Rachel doesn't know what happened in Jesse's life that has brought him to this place. All she remembers is the strong, assertive and egotistical boy who swept her off her feet. It's an image that she can't reconcile with the broken boy who seems to hate the world and himself.
Rachel pulls herself up from her knees and looks at her car sitting in the driveway. She wants to take off to leave Jesse on his own like he seems to want, but she can't. She takes a deep breath and heads back into the house. She only knows of one person who could hold any information on Jesse. Rachel finds Jesse's cell phone in the kitchen and scrolls through the contacts until she finds the number that she wants.
After locking the door behind him Jesse leans against the door and takes a deep breath. He hears Rachel race down the stairs and then out the front door. Though he hates himself for what he said, Jesse knows it's for the best to have gotten her away from him.
He moves to turn on the water, and then strips down before placing himself under the scalding stream. The hot water sooths his aching muscles but burns his cuts and Jesse bites his lip to stop from crying out.
Soon the pain fades into a dull ache and Jesse's mind wanders back through the years. The years of happiness that gave way into a sadness and guilt that no teen should ever have to deal with.
Behind his closed eyes Jesse sees the image of two curly haired boys playing soccer in the yard.
"Jesse you have to swing your leg in a strong arc." The taller of the two boys says coming over to stand next to a seven year old Jesse.
"I did that Jack." Jesse says to the eleven year old.
"I know, but you have to try a little harder."
"Ok, but after can we go watch The Lion King?"
Jack nods his head and immediately the two boys resume playing in the yard, with Jesse picking up how to nail a penalty shot.
Jesse opens his eyes and lets out a chuckle at the other memories of learning to play sports while all he wanted to do was watch Disney or sing. He closes his eyes and this time the memory is different.
The two boys are now twelve and sixteen. Jack is standing next to a set of four wheelers waiting for Jesse to come out of the cottage. Finally the boy emerges, followed closely by his mother.
"Jack make sure that you don't do anything foolish."
"Yes mother," he replies condescendingly. "Come on Jess, it's time to see if you can finally beat me on this thing."
"You're so on and I have been practicing so I doubt that you will be able to beat me Jack." Jesse says hopping onto the back of the four-wheeler.
"Wanna bet?" Jack asks and Jesse nods. "If I win you have to come with me to see a couple hockey games."
"If I win you're coming with me to go see Wicked." Jesse counters and Jack groans.
"Seriously dude you must be gay."
"Fuck off, I like girls and I like musical theatre. Deal?"
"Deal."
The two boys take off racing for the other side of the ravine.
Jesse remembers Jack's face when he had lost. It was the beginning of trips to New York to catch Broadway shows and hockey games. The two of them would spend weekends at their parent's condo hanging out and just talking. Though there was a four year age difference the two brothers were each other's best friend. The memories flick through Jesse and Jack playing hockey, Jack's high school graduation, Jack cheering on Jesse as he performed with Vocal Adrenalin as a freshman, family dinners, Christmases and love between brothers.
Jesse closes his eyes one last time as his hand brushes over a faded scar on his forearm.
"Ok Jess I think it's time to take you home," Jack says after they finish their dinner.
Jesse has been visiting Jack at OSU. Going into their sophomore years in their respective schools has not only given them more confidence but it has also made their friendship stronger as they talk every day.
"Fine. Plus I have to get a good night's sleep; Shelby's going to start intense practice for sectionals soon."
"Are you serious? It's only the beginning of August."
"Hey she demands perfection and this year I plan to deliver and snag a least a solo."
"Well I've seen you perform and you deserve it."
"I do, don't I?" Jesse responds smugly.
"Don't let it go to your head."
Jesse rolls his eyes and Jack covers the tab for dinner. The two boys go out to the car and Jack starts driving back to his parent's. Stopped at a red light the last thing Jesse remembers is the crunching of glass and a searing pain in his arm.
The water is running cold on his skin, so Jesse shuts it off. He steps out of the tub and grabs a pair of clean boxers and pyjama pants. After throwing them on Jesse walks into his brother's room, not fully closing the door behind him. He sits on the bed thinking about what came after the accident.
Jesse is sitting on Jack's bed. It's been three weeks since the accident, his arm is still in a cast and his brother is still gone. His brother will always be gone now. The drunk driver made sure of that. He's sitting on the bed humming a tune when his mother finds him.
"What the hell are you doing in here?" She asks, tears choking her voice.
Jesse opens and closes his mouth he has no response.
"I told you not to come in here."
"I'm just trying to remember Jack." He whispers.
"We all are, but we shouldn't have to be. This is your fault. If you hadn't decided that you wanted to go to OSU to visit him."
"Mom," Jesse feels a tear slip down his cheek as his mother blames him for his brother's death.
"It should have been you. NOW GET THE HELL OUT!" His mother yells.
Jesse runs. He runs until he can't breath, can't think, and can't feel anything but the pain in his muscles.
Jesse's face crumples at the memory, tears making their way down his face as he thinks on the first moment that he wasn't good enough, wasn't the right son. From that moment on his parents grew distant and cold, serving only to remind him that he wasn't good enough for them. His mind reels with fights, whispered comments of Jesse not being good enough, blaming him for the death of Jack.
Jesse collapses on the bed thinking on the last words Rachel said:
"You aren't worth helping."
Rachel's finger hovers over the contact name; she inhales a deep breath before pressing the send button. The phone rings twice before a tired voice picks up the phone.
"Jess I can't really talk right now. Beth's cranky and I'm exhausted, can I call you back…"
"Shelby?" Rachel cuts off the woman's speech.
"Yes, who is this? Where's Jesse?" Shelby asks a little worriedly.
"It's Rachel, umm" Rachel's voice cracks.
"Rachel? What's wrong?" Shelby asks tentatively.
She knows that she is partly to blame for how Jesse acted towards her daughter, what she's worried about is why Rachel is using Jesse's phone.
"Jesse. He - he I don't know what's wrong. He won't tell me, but something happened to him and now he's all messed up and he's hurting himself." Rachel lets out a gasp; she didn't mean to let that last part slip out.
"What do you mean he's hurting himself Rachel?" Shelby asks her voice calm but concerned. Almost as if she has experienced something like this before.
"Umm"
"Rachel." Shelby says firmly.
"He was beat up. He was beaten badly and then left on my front porch. He looked as if someone had tried to kill him. I cleaned him up but he wouldn't talk, he wouldn't say who did it. And his eyes they looked so empty, almost as if he really were a soulless automaton." Rachel takes a breath before continuing. "I brought him home last night and this morning I found him running on the treadmill. I know it seems weird to be concerned about that but it's not good for him to be doing that, I don't know the extent of all his injuries and that running could have made it worse. And he didn't seem to care. And that's not the only thing. He has cuts, lines of them along his biceps. Some are more healed then others. I think he did that to himself. I just…"
Rachel can't finish the sentence. She's in way over her head and though she feels lighter for telling Shelby, she can't help but still feel the need to protect and save Jesse.
"Rachel there's something that you need to know about Jesse." Shelby starts then pauses collecting her thoughts. "For all his arrogance, ego and confidence he is broken underneath. He's lonely and he has been for a few years now."
"I don't understand." Rachel says trying to bring the two images of Jesse together in her mind.
"I've seen Jesse like that only once before, it wasn't this bad though. It was the summer before his sophomore year; right after his brother was killed by a drunk driver."
The news hits Rachel. In the months that she dated Jesse she had never heard about a brother. In fact she never heard anything about Jesse's family only that his parents were out of the country. Rachel wants to question Shelby about the brother and the family but Shelby cuts her off and tells her what happened last time.
Shelby explains how Jesse grew distant in the month of August as he sat out rehearsals with a broken arm.
However the shutting off from the outside world wasn't the only problem. Shelby would often find Jesse in the auditorium before school and after VA practice in the evenings going over routines until he would collapse on the stage with exhaustion. Soon she noticed that Jesse's voice was losing that magic that made him a star, that drive to carry on and she became worried for her future star. It wasn't until she found him sitting on the stage with a blade in his hand that she finally confronted Jesse. He came clean admitting that his parents blamed him, even claimed to hate him because of Jack's death.
After that moment and through the rest of the year Shelby helped Jesse heal. Helped him find his way and he soon found his way back to the confident boy he was before. But always behind his eyes was a darkness that seemed to be waiting to swallow him again.
"…I guess became a parent to him since his gave up. And so I made sure that he was always ok and it seemed that he was, I just never thought it would happen again."
At hearing those words Rachel realizes why Jesse would feel compelled to help in Shelby's plan, he felt that he owed her for saving him. She also hears Shelby crying, she knows that the woman feels that she's let down another of her children.
"Shelby?"
"Yes?"
"Thank you, for telling me." Rachel says. "I have to go check on him."
"Rachel, take care of him. I'll come by on Monday to talk with him." Shelby says, hoping that Rachel can endure the rest of the day and all day Sunday with Jesse.
"OK. Bye Shelby."
"Bye Rachel."
Rachel stares at the phone in her hand, looking at it as if it will give her a map to figure out how to process all the information that she just got. Jesse has - had - a brother, a brother who he was close to, a brother who was taken to early and left Jesse to cold parents.
Rachel glances at the stairs. She understands now why Jesse's home feels so unlived and unloved in. His parents aren't around and he's had to cope with life on his own. This time she surmises that it is worse because everything is changing for him and he doesn't have a solid base to call home, not with VA, not with his absent parents and no longer with Shelby who is taking care of a new born.
With a new resolve Rachel makes her way back upstairs. She won't leave Jesse on his own, she will help him. She looks into his room, but finds it empty. She ventures back into the hallway and down towards the other room. The door is slightly ajar and she can hear hushed whispers.
"…I don't know if I can do this any more Jack. Everything used to make sense and it was good and then I met Rachel and everything got a little confusing but life was perfect. She was perfect and I knew that I was going to hurt her, but I didn't want to. I realized too late that I loved her and that I shouldn't have agreed to the transfer. If I hadn't done that VA would never have thought I was going soft and I wouldn't have had to hurt the only other person in this world that made me feel happy."
She hears Jesse pull in a ragged breath before continuing.
"Oh god Jack it just hurts so much and I can't - I don't know if I can keep on like this. It wouldn't be hard Jack to go, it's not like anyone would miss me and it's not like there's anything to keep me here either."
With those words Rachel's tears spill out of her eyes. She slides her back down the wall and cries for her own heart ache and for the broken boy who feels so alone in this world that he would end his life.