(no subject)

Nov 26, 2007 08:01

You know, I've gotta be the most ridiculous person you're ever going to meet. really. If I have time, I'll explain what I mean by that.

first, I'll discuss problems with school.
-photoshop sucks monkey nuts and I hate the hot sexy teacher.
-history...ohhh man. because it's a condensed class everything is shorter and the midterm was splashed on us last week. needless to say, because of my insecurity about taking a risk, the holidays, and a not helpful instructor, I didn't do it. I'm going to fail the class because of it...so I've been stressing about that and what will happen. I'm going to financial aid today to talk about what I can do since I'm still able to drop the class - I'm just worried about my BOGW status.

I've been so passionate and so wrong lately. I feel so strong about Matt - way stronger than anyone should ever feel about some 28 year old math jew from new jersey that they've never met before and probably couldn't whore themselves enough times to afford to get a trip to new jersey to meet. But I can't help it. there's these aspects to him I can't resist. I've said Fuck him I hate him many times but I've also said how much I miss him and want to talk to him. I keep asking myself: WHY is this so HARD. I've been trying to say no to myself for a while now and you've been witnessing that. Matt's really not a bad guy. I only make him out to be that way because he doesn't respond the way I hope he responds to what I do or talk about, and in reality I can't make him do that. I bet I'm just like herman to him. no, really, I've been thinking, "oh god. what if I am just like herman to that poor man" - LMAO. that...POOR MAN! LOLLL

but yeah. wait till you hear my latest little episode with him.
I've been thinking so much about him and what it would be like to be around him, to meet him and such, and I keep trying to please him with pictures of myself [STILL not in the nude, lol, but man are we getting there - I should post the pic I sent him.] I try to be understanding when he has to leave to go out with friends or work but it's so abrupt and I feel an empty leave when he does leave. This is because he is busy and does have a life. I was reading his blogs and thinking about how much I like him but also how incompatible we are. I could never do the things he is doing. Then recently, he's been exercising at the gym [inspired by me and my talk? IDK] and taken pictures of himself recently. I can see the progress. But I've always loved the way he looks and I've seen pictures of him from all over the place and it really doesn't matter to me, I love the way he looks and I don't know if it's because I've grown so fond of him, and he always looks beautiful to me. then I get resentful and think that same thought about limits I was telling you about a few entries ago, and how I could never match that and be good enough for that.

you know, I wouldn't feel that way if I thought he was viewing me in the same viewing rectangle. I mean just growing fond of me [not love, that would be a little psychotic on either part] and growing attracted to the shape of my body and the way I look in general, no matter really what I do or don't do. [except if he came to be like 340 lb - then I'd be concerned]. I think one of the things I admired and hated in him was that I thought he could worship someone else's good looks but still be comfortable with his own. I guess he really isn't like that if he's taken up the gym craze again.

I have to go but I'll tell you what I asked him when I get back
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