rough night....
I was watching the 6 o'clock news on my lunch break. One of the head liners was the new born little boy. He had a tumor the size of his heart, on his heart. An emergency transplant was needed. Another family lost their little baby and gave the baby's heart to the donor team. Everything that was needed for the transplant was in perfect shape except the fact that the donor child had a different blood type. They went a head and performed the transplant. Since the new born's immune system isn't really developed they said that this little boy should lead a long, healthy, and normal life with out any medications.
Why has this shaken me in the way it has? My close friends know why and how my mother passed away, as well with the tragic story of her final months. But for those who do not know this... When she was having her first minor heart attack the doctors sent her home saying that she was fine, and nothing was wrong. Two weeks later on October 16, 2001 my dad took her to the hospital for the BAD symptoms of a heart attack. In the ER she sat over 71/2 hours in not only a MAJOR heart attack, but also with a collapsed lung, as well with NO medical attention. As a result of this neglect, her heart was in desperate need of a transplant. February 11, 2002 she was readmitted into the hospital to under go testing for the transplant and was to wait there until she received one.
March 11, 2002 she passed away.
Am I jealous of this baby? A little.... Yes! But I don't understand why I am having so much trouble with this? Could it be because this baby got the transplant within a couple of days and my mom died waiting on her's? Could be. Could it be because this baby had a different blood type than his donor? Again could be. Could it be because that the heart was in need and this baby got his heart within a couple of days, and my mom waited a month and never got her's? Also could be.
My mother would have still been here with my family and me if the people in the hospital would have gotten off of their butts and would have done things they way they were not only trained to do but also what they went school to learn how to do. But the DID NOT!!!
Yeah I get REALLY jealous, when I hear that people waiting on a heart get their prayers heard and answered. They got their New heart. But my mom did not! Yeah I get angry at God for that, and I know it's not okay. But why? Why did He take her from us? Why did he let not only her but the family endure through so much pain? Why? Why? Why?
Is it okay to feel the I do all the time? It's been almost three years, and I still feel like this when I hear stories like this. This was a baby... NOT an adult!! And yet I still feel like this!!!!
I understand that the list for a heart transplant goes on and on and on. That there are certain things that have to mach up for everything to work right. And I know that life isn't always fare and just. But why her, and how?
I've wanted to cry SO SO SO hard since I saw that on the news tonight. Because I don't understand why? I know why.... but I don't know why her, and why all the pain?
Am I still grieving over my mom? I think I am to a certain extent. Should I still be grieving over her? Should I still get jealous over other people because they get the heart that they were praying for? It's been three years since her death. Why does this still bother me so much?
Why has this shaken me in the way it has? My close friends know why and how my mother passed away, as well with the tragic story of her final months. But for those who do not know this... When she was having her first minor heart attack the doctors sent her home saying that she was fine, and nothing was wrong. Two weeks later on October 16, 2001 my dad took her to the hospital for the BAD symptoms of a heart attack. In the ER she sat over 71/2 hours in not only a MAJOR heart attack, but also with a collapsed lung, as well with NO medical attention. As a result of this neglect, her heart was in desperate need of a transplant. February 11, 2002 she was readmitted into the hospital to under go testing for the transplant and was to wait there until she received one.
March 11, 2002 she passed away.
Am I jealous of this baby? A little.... Yes! But I don't understand why I am having so much trouble with this? Could it be because this baby got the transplant within a couple of days and my mom died waiting on her's? Could be. Could it be because this baby had a different blood type than his donor? Again could be. Could it be because that the heart was in need and this baby got his heart within a couple of days, and my mom waited a month and never got her's? Also could be.
My mother would have still been here with my family and me if the people in the hospital would have gotten off of their butts and would have done things they way they were not only trained to do but also what they went school to learn how to do. But the DID NOT!!!
Yeah I get REALLY jealous, when I hear that people waiting on a heart get their prayers heard and answered. They got their New heart. But my mom did not! Yeah I get angry at God for that, and I know it's not okay. But why? Why did He take her from us? Why did he let not only her but the family endure through so much pain? Why? Why? Why?
Is it okay to feel the I do all the time? It's been almost three years, and I still feel like this when I hear stories like this. This was a baby... NOT an adult!! And yet I still feel like this!!!!
I understand that the list for a heart transplant goes on and on and on. That there are certain things that have to mach up for everything to work right. And I know that life isn't always fare and just. But why her, and how?
I've wanted to cry SO SO SO hard since I saw that on the news tonight. Because I don't understand why? I know why.... but I don't know why her, and why all the pain?
Am I still grieving over my mom? I think I am to a certain extent. Should I still be grieving over her? Should I still get jealous over other people because they get the heart that they were praying for? It's been three years since her death. Why does this still bother me so much?