Alone With Agony
Something that I needed to get done... It was just...sitting there for a long time and I decided to finish it.
You know, I'm not the greatest with writing, but I think some parts were pretty okay. I really put a lot of emotion into this.
I don't expect a lot of people to understand this because it's something personal. Something personal that should effect at least someone, I think. Maybe it will continue? Who knows...
My characters: Nao, Shiroi, Sayoko, Ly and Kumari are mine. Don't steal. They are something that I made and I really feel that they are apart of me. I based them off of the Chinese elements: Water, Fire, Wood, Earth and Metal. (Then again, I twisted Nao to have some ice features with her water, Sayoko has flowers along with wood and Ly has electricity with earth so...)
©Tane (Meh) So don't steal. x2 *sticks tongue out*
Anyway, this is more of an emotional story.
The girl had her heart ripped out from the one she loved the most in the world and her "friends" attempt to cheer her up. However, those "friends" of her's were just in her imagination the entire time and they were just really apart of her mind, in other words: trying to make herself feel better when she's really alone with her situation. Alone With Agony. Heh Heh.
I feel as if I can't use these characters anymore, so therefore I'm using them now. THEY'RE STILL MINE, THOUGH. RAWR. >=|
No, this is not a cry for help, nor is it an attempt to reach out.
This is when I was listening to a lot of depressing music. XD
(I really need to upload a lot of my depressing drawings. Gosh, I need that scanner. *sighs*)
What was it that made love so beautiful? Was it the blissful feeling of being on Cloud Nine, or was it the mushy and gooey feelings that would lead people to have a one-track mind on their lover? The candies, the treats, the flowers; these material gifts? Physical attraction with sexual urges? Spiritually united and feeling secure? The cliché romantic candle-lit dinner? The sensation a person feels when receiving a simple, ‘I love you’? In which things were considered “beautiful”...?
‘Foolish,’ I thought bitterly. ‘Nothing is beautiful, anymore.’ I slumped in my chair and grinded my fingernails against the plastic arms of the chair.
Darkness surrounded my vision. I did not need to see any of this beauty. Thinking about it too much sickened me, however it wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Everything was all so recent. Like an old film, all of these nauseating memories kept playing over, and over, and over, and over again; there was no other person to turn off the projector. This film hadn’t burned after so many views...
I clutched my chest. Many different jolts of pain I had to feel once again. It was as though I was cooking from the inside, yet my skin was freezing. I shook, I tensed, I wheezed for oxygen my lungs craved for. How could I breathe when my throat couldn’t bare to feel those agonizing jolts there as well? I was choking. Choking on this awful air that my disoriented body forgot how to intake. My chest was burning more within seconds. Each prick of these jolts were different and each had their own unique shock inside of me.
“Please make it stop...” I called out to no one. “I can’t live with this...”
Here I was, sitting in a rather small room, lights off, a single chair, feeling awful with a broken heart.
How cliché, wasn’t it? It hadn’t even occurred to me that I would end up this way. First love always has that power over a person; that you’ll never lose them. I thought I had such a strong bond. I thought I had such a strong commitment. I thought I had such a strong feeling. Thought. That’s what it all was now: thoughts. Memories. There was nothing else anymore. Everything is over and done.
“Get over him,” Nao simply says to me. “You’ve been sulking for so long.”
Her voice was sharp and rude. So awfully blunt you are, Nao. You do not know empathy at all, do you? You remind me the most about him. Not thinking through things so thoroughly and saying the first thing that comes to your mind. You can’t understand where I’m coming from, can you?
“If it was only...that easy.” My voice was almost a whisper. I’ve been trying so hard to hold back tears. They weren’t going to win over me now, no matter how badly my voice cracked at untimely moments.
I couldn’t tell the ice mistress to go away. Nao always did have a certain charm that I couldn’t argue with either. No matter how many times she’s stuck her nose into my business, I would open up willingly.
“Seichi was cruel towards you. Remember that? You don’t have to take his bull shit anymore,” she continued.
My eyed widened. “Don’t say his name!” I almost screamed. My hand flew off my chest and the other resting on my lap as well. They each gripped my ears. I had to hold them, god I had to hold them, or my head would split apart from hearing his name too many times.
My whole body was broken as of now. I wasn’t even sure, myself, what the slightest bit of wrong words or actions would do to me. My tense muscles were the only thing left that helped me stay together, and my shaking frame let me know that I could still feel. I felt like a vase, glued together right after falling off of a shelf. The glue could only hold me together for a short time until I came back apart. This glue was temporary, and it didn’t help at all. I could still feel everything horrible...
I felt a hand on my back. It was Shiroi now. Her touch was warm and soothing, almost as if I could melt. I believe I was shaking less. “You can’t get over him right now, but you will eventually.” Without even looking, I knew she gave a stern frown in Nao’s direction and softened her expression when turning back to face me. “It hasn’t been so long, so you do deserve the time to mope around. Take as much time as you need. You know we’re here for you.”
I could breath a little easier now. The glue was able to harden. My skin was becoming slightly more warm as well. The fire manipulator knew how to word things so well; what people needed to hear. Shiroi knew how to comfort people. She knew how to be there...
“It’s so...hard. I hate this...s-so much. I want to d-die...” My voice was breaking up more. I didn’t know for how much longer I could keep a strong facade. It was already slowly deteriorating. Crying is weakness. Only children cry. I have to be strong for myself and not be like that: to be a wreck and look so disgusting with fluids leaking from my face. I couldn’t be like that. “He was e-everything to me, Shiroi. My first love... I th-thought we...would be together always. He...He chose nothing over me... His feelings changed completely!”
I grinded my teeth and shuddered. The shaking came back quickly, almost more powerful than before. Full force, now. How could he have done that...? Just decide out of the blue that there were no more feelings anymore. That he wasn’t in love with me anymore. How could a person love someone for so long and decide so quickly to not love them anymore the next moment? Can people really do that so easily? No explanation at all for it either...? Do people in this world have no passion, no hope? Am I the only one who even bothers to believe in everything?
I gagged and my arms flew around my stomach like lightning. Dry heaves. Close call. There was nothing in my stomach to bring up anymore, anyway. I was completely empty; a void with no knowledge of this feeling. Everything was foreign and new. I ached all over and I couldn’t predict what would happen next with my body.
“It’s because he’s an idiot. He lost someone great. You deserve better,” Nao jumped in almost too fast. It came out awkward and not as melodic as Shiroi’s voice. “You’ll find someone way bett-”
“It’s all been said before, Nao!” I cut her off. “Don’t talk like you know how I feel! You’re perfectly content with Damion and he accepts all of your short-comings! Accepts them so easily... Like I had for him... I did everything for him, but nothing was ever good enough! He would always still be depressed over something. I could never make him completely happy! I poured out all of my feelings and desires to him, and he would keep his own hidden. I could imagine him laughing at me now; this pathetic state I’m in, while he is fully use to being alone. I never hesitated to reveal my secrets, my dreams, anything! He rather be with nothing than me! He doesn’t even know...can’t even imagine what I’m going through! ... I loved him!” I inhaled the most huge breath in my life. I tried to exhale all of it, but it came out as a horrible sob. I was crying now. I wanted to add: “And...I...still...do,” however my emotions were such a wreck that I did not know what I was feeling anymore and couldn’t bring myself to say such a thing.
The tears finally left my eyes. When was the last time I cried? There was nothing to cry about, before... I’ve been so happy, for so long. I have forgotten what it was like to feel so low, at the bottom of the world. I felt heavy; sinking into my ocean of despair. Tears streamed along my pale cheeks, my shoulders shook violently and ugly sobs made their way through my quivering lips. Was I not broken enough? I couldn’t endure anymore agony. My body wouldn’t allow it.
I could feel a hand firmly place on my left shoulder. Almost to hold me in my place, to hold me still from this shaking horrid. To bring me to the surface from sinking... “You did love him completely. You did all that you could have: a wonderful job.” It was a sweet, soft voice. It had to be Sayoko. “Nothing was a waste. You must be feeling that, right? Loving someone is never a waste...”
The flower girl had woven herself around me and wiped away my tears with a delicate finger. I felt so ugly. My face must have looked ugly now. She was so gentle, with her words and her actions. I calmed slightly, but the tears wouldn’t stop.
“Naïve,” I spat almost bitterly to her. “Loving him so much also hurt me, like this, as well. I can bet my life he isn’t...in any pain, right now. He doesn’t care about my feelings, that I’m like this...”
“He wasn’t brought up like you,” Shiroi cut in. “You have to realize that he didn’t have a very pleasant upbringing.” Her warm hand held my cold one.
Fire burned inside of me once more, but this time it was like someone had poured gasoline. “No! No, no, no! Everyone has common sense! No one can be so...heartless! He must have had no heart. He just had to rip out mine for his own satisfaction. Heartless...” And I said something that I thought that I would never say about him: “He’s not...human. That monster... That... That...” I choked. Speaking was so difficult. I didn’t want to, but I needed to get my feelings out. Curses, I needed to get these damn feelings out.
I knew it was wrong of me to call him that. But him... This bastard, fucked up, manipulative, experiment that he is... I’ve always had faith in him. I’ve always had faith he would not hurt me enough it to come to this. I know of all of the troubles he has gone through, I know of how he could not trust so many people, I know how he liked to push people away. However, to do this to me, how I trusted and devoted myself completely to him... We loved each other for so long... So long...
‘Does he even care...?’ That thought echoed throughout my mind.
“I am nothing to him,” I said sourly through my teeth. “I am not an important person to him anymore. I mean nothing to him and he doesn’t care about this pain he left me to suffer alone with. He is not concerned. He thinks that I am my usual happy self. He thinks that everything is fine and dandy, when he really left me with all of the awful feelings on my own shoulders to bare and rot in my own misery.” Every moment is so much more difficult. Every moment became more unbearable to live... “Please, God... Just take me now...”
I hated how melodramatic I sound. Everything was corny, cliché: what someone would see in a movie. This is when the audience would roll their eyes at the weak female protagonist. This awful stereotype that I have become. This was the stereotypical female situation, and I hated that even more than my whimperings. The audience would shout and fume for the pathetic girl to move on with her life. Only few could understand this situation if they had enough empathy and understanding.
“Look how pathetic you are,” a high male voice came in. He spoke with electric venom. “You’re a mess. Get over yourself. You’re healthy and well. You can get up, walk away from all of this.” It was Ly, of course. His unsympathetic voice came from a small distance from me. I knew he wouldn’t want to be near me. We had an understanding of not being too fond of each other, but there was this odd bond that we had that I could never quite describe. He was right and I couldn’t argue with him. I was hating myself and self-conscious of being like this in front of others. No one should see me so helpless.
“Ly. Watch your mouth, you little pansy,” Nao sneered at him.
“He’s all talk.” Shiroi shook her head.
“Really immature,” Sayoko agreed.
I could imagine him rolling his eyes and folding his arms childishly. However, I didn’t bother to look. I didn’t bother to look at any of them. I couldn’t.
More hot tears slipped down my now flushed, red cheeks. ‘Pathetic... Yes... He hates me. I’ve been abandoned and left with nothing... Nothing.’
“You’ll feel better in a few month’s time. I’ll be okay,” an intellectual-sounding female voice assured me. “You’ll find your passion again. You’ll be able to use your legs to get up and walk again. The next time you love will be 100 times more.” It was Kumari now. The novelist. I knew she could have let me be lost with her magical words of cheering me up. But I also knew that she spared me; I would become sick of her romantic vocabulary and that would have made me more depressed. Her strong, solid words always use to comfort me so, but not now. No words could ever comfort me at a time such as this.
“You are all happy,” I mumbled. “All so happy with your lovers. ...Please... I really do appreciate that you are all trying to cheer me up. But, I can’t depend on every one of you as I have before. I just...can’t.” All of the memories, all of my thoughts about everything that has happened: I threw them into a dark abyss inside of me. Throwing them all away to try and forget this pain.
Yes. I had to isolate myself from everything in order to forget.
The pain will go away without reminders. Reminders of my time I shared together with him. Seichi.
“Seichi...” My voice was strong. I said the words I’ve been longing to say to finish all of this: “Goodbye forever.”
Silence.
There were no voices. None that I was expecting.
Although, I was wrong. There was still one thing after all. Something that hadn’t left...
Here I was, sitting in a rather small room, lights off, single chair...and alone with myself in my own awful agonizing reality.
You know, I'm not the greatest with writing, but I think some parts were pretty okay. I really put a lot of emotion into this.
I don't expect a lot of people to understand this because it's something personal. Something personal that should effect at least someone, I think. Maybe it will continue? Who knows...
My characters: Nao, Shiroi, Sayoko, Ly and Kumari are mine. Don't steal. They are something that I made and I really feel that they are apart of me. I based them off of the Chinese elements: Water, Fire, Wood, Earth and Metal. (Then again, I twisted Nao to have some ice features with her water, Sayoko has flowers along with wood and Ly has electricity with earth so...)
©Tane (Meh) So don't steal. x2 *sticks tongue out*
Anyway, this is more of an emotional story.
The girl had her heart ripped out from the one she loved the most in the world and her "friends" attempt to cheer her up. However, those "friends" of her's were just in her imagination the entire time and they were just really apart of her mind, in other words: trying to make herself feel better when she's really alone with her situation. Alone With Agony. Heh Heh.
I feel as if I can't use these characters anymore, so therefore I'm using them now. THEY'RE STILL MINE, THOUGH. RAWR. >=|
No, this is not a cry for help, nor is it an attempt to reach out.
This is when I was listening to a lot of depressing music. XD
(I really need to upload a lot of my depressing drawings. Gosh, I need that scanner. *sighs*)
What was it that made love so beautiful? Was it the blissful feeling of being on Cloud Nine, or was it the mushy and gooey feelings that would lead people to have a one-track mind on their lover? The candies, the treats, the flowers; these material gifts? Physical attraction with sexual urges? Spiritually united and feeling secure? The cliché romantic candle-lit dinner? The sensation a person feels when receiving a simple, ‘I love you’? In which things were considered “beautiful”...?
‘Foolish,’ I thought bitterly. ‘Nothing is beautiful, anymore.’ I slumped in my chair and grinded my fingernails against the plastic arms of the chair.
Darkness surrounded my vision. I did not need to see any of this beauty. Thinking about it too much sickened me, however it wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Everything was all so recent. Like an old film, all of these nauseating memories kept playing over, and over, and over, and over again; there was no other person to turn off the projector. This film hadn’t burned after so many views...
I clutched my chest. Many different jolts of pain I had to feel once again. It was as though I was cooking from the inside, yet my skin was freezing. I shook, I tensed, I wheezed for oxygen my lungs craved for. How could I breathe when my throat couldn’t bare to feel those agonizing jolts there as well? I was choking. Choking on this awful air that my disoriented body forgot how to intake. My chest was burning more within seconds. Each prick of these jolts were different and each had their own unique shock inside of me.
“Please make it stop...” I called out to no one. “I can’t live with this...”
Here I was, sitting in a rather small room, lights off, a single chair, feeling awful with a broken heart.
How cliché, wasn’t it? It hadn’t even occurred to me that I would end up this way. First love always has that power over a person; that you’ll never lose them. I thought I had such a strong bond. I thought I had such a strong commitment. I thought I had such a strong feeling. Thought. That’s what it all was now: thoughts. Memories. There was nothing else anymore. Everything is over and done.
“Get over him,” Nao simply says to me. “You’ve been sulking for so long.”
Her voice was sharp and rude. So awfully blunt you are, Nao. You do not know empathy at all, do you? You remind me the most about him. Not thinking through things so thoroughly and saying the first thing that comes to your mind. You can’t understand where I’m coming from, can you?
“If it was only...that easy.” My voice was almost a whisper. I’ve been trying so hard to hold back tears. They weren’t going to win over me now, no matter how badly my voice cracked at untimely moments.
I couldn’t tell the ice mistress to go away. Nao always did have a certain charm that I couldn’t argue with either. No matter how many times she’s stuck her nose into my business, I would open up willingly.
“Seichi was cruel towards you. Remember that? You don’t have to take his bull shit anymore,” she continued.
My eyed widened. “Don’t say his name!” I almost screamed. My hand flew off my chest and the other resting on my lap as well. They each gripped my ears. I had to hold them, god I had to hold them, or my head would split apart from hearing his name too many times.
My whole body was broken as of now. I wasn’t even sure, myself, what the slightest bit of wrong words or actions would do to me. My tense muscles were the only thing left that helped me stay together, and my shaking frame let me know that I could still feel. I felt like a vase, glued together right after falling off of a shelf. The glue could only hold me together for a short time until I came back apart. This glue was temporary, and it didn’t help at all. I could still feel everything horrible...
I felt a hand on my back. It was Shiroi now. Her touch was warm and soothing, almost as if I could melt. I believe I was shaking less. “You can’t get over him right now, but you will eventually.” Without even looking, I knew she gave a stern frown in Nao’s direction and softened her expression when turning back to face me. “It hasn’t been so long, so you do deserve the time to mope around. Take as much time as you need. You know we’re here for you.”
I could breath a little easier now. The glue was able to harden. My skin was becoming slightly more warm as well. The fire manipulator knew how to word things so well; what people needed to hear. Shiroi knew how to comfort people. She knew how to be there...
“It’s so...hard. I hate this...s-so much. I want to d-die...” My voice was breaking up more. I didn’t know for how much longer I could keep a strong facade. It was already slowly deteriorating. Crying is weakness. Only children cry. I have to be strong for myself and not be like that: to be a wreck and look so disgusting with fluids leaking from my face. I couldn’t be like that. “He was e-everything to me, Shiroi. My first love... I th-thought we...would be together always. He...He chose nothing over me... His feelings changed completely!”
I grinded my teeth and shuddered. The shaking came back quickly, almost more powerful than before. Full force, now. How could he have done that...? Just decide out of the blue that there were no more feelings anymore. That he wasn’t in love with me anymore. How could a person love someone for so long and decide so quickly to not love them anymore the next moment? Can people really do that so easily? No explanation at all for it either...? Do people in this world have no passion, no hope? Am I the only one who even bothers to believe in everything?
I gagged and my arms flew around my stomach like lightning. Dry heaves. Close call. There was nothing in my stomach to bring up anymore, anyway. I was completely empty; a void with no knowledge of this feeling. Everything was foreign and new. I ached all over and I couldn’t predict what would happen next with my body.
“It’s because he’s an idiot. He lost someone great. You deserve better,” Nao jumped in almost too fast. It came out awkward and not as melodic as Shiroi’s voice. “You’ll find someone way bett-”
“It’s all been said before, Nao!” I cut her off. “Don’t talk like you know how I feel! You’re perfectly content with Damion and he accepts all of your short-comings! Accepts them so easily... Like I had for him... I did everything for him, but nothing was ever good enough! He would always still be depressed over something. I could never make him completely happy! I poured out all of my feelings and desires to him, and he would keep his own hidden. I could imagine him laughing at me now; this pathetic state I’m in, while he is fully use to being alone. I never hesitated to reveal my secrets, my dreams, anything! He rather be with nothing than me! He doesn’t even know...can’t even imagine what I’m going through! ... I loved him!” I inhaled the most huge breath in my life. I tried to exhale all of it, but it came out as a horrible sob. I was crying now. I wanted to add: “And...I...still...do,” however my emotions were such a wreck that I did not know what I was feeling anymore and couldn’t bring myself to say such a thing.
The tears finally left my eyes. When was the last time I cried? There was nothing to cry about, before... I’ve been so happy, for so long. I have forgotten what it was like to feel so low, at the bottom of the world. I felt heavy; sinking into my ocean of despair. Tears streamed along my pale cheeks, my shoulders shook violently and ugly sobs made their way through my quivering lips. Was I not broken enough? I couldn’t endure anymore agony. My body wouldn’t allow it.
I could feel a hand firmly place on my left shoulder. Almost to hold me in my place, to hold me still from this shaking horrid. To bring me to the surface from sinking... “You did love him completely. You did all that you could have: a wonderful job.” It was a sweet, soft voice. It had to be Sayoko. “Nothing was a waste. You must be feeling that, right? Loving someone is never a waste...”
The flower girl had woven herself around me and wiped away my tears with a delicate finger. I felt so ugly. My face must have looked ugly now. She was so gentle, with her words and her actions. I calmed slightly, but the tears wouldn’t stop.
“Naïve,” I spat almost bitterly to her. “Loving him so much also hurt me, like this, as well. I can bet my life he isn’t...in any pain, right now. He doesn’t care about my feelings, that I’m like this...”
“He wasn’t brought up like you,” Shiroi cut in. “You have to realize that he didn’t have a very pleasant upbringing.” Her warm hand held my cold one.
Fire burned inside of me once more, but this time it was like someone had poured gasoline. “No! No, no, no! Everyone has common sense! No one can be so...heartless! He must have had no heart. He just had to rip out mine for his own satisfaction. Heartless...” And I said something that I thought that I would never say about him: “He’s not...human. That monster... That... That...” I choked. Speaking was so difficult. I didn’t want to, but I needed to get my feelings out. Curses, I needed to get these damn feelings out.
I knew it was wrong of me to call him that. But him... This bastard, fucked up, manipulative, experiment that he is... I’ve always had faith in him. I’ve always had faith he would not hurt me enough it to come to this. I know of all of the troubles he has gone through, I know of how he could not trust so many people, I know how he liked to push people away. However, to do this to me, how I trusted and devoted myself completely to him... We loved each other for so long... So long...
‘Does he even care...?’ That thought echoed throughout my mind.
“I am nothing to him,” I said sourly through my teeth. “I am not an important person to him anymore. I mean nothing to him and he doesn’t care about this pain he left me to suffer alone with. He is not concerned. He thinks that I am my usual happy self. He thinks that everything is fine and dandy, when he really left me with all of the awful feelings on my own shoulders to bare and rot in my own misery.” Every moment is so much more difficult. Every moment became more unbearable to live... “Please, God... Just take me now...”
I hated how melodramatic I sound. Everything was corny, cliché: what someone would see in a movie. This is when the audience would roll their eyes at the weak female protagonist. This awful stereotype that I have become. This was the stereotypical female situation, and I hated that even more than my whimperings. The audience would shout and fume for the pathetic girl to move on with her life. Only few could understand this situation if they had enough empathy and understanding.
“Look how pathetic you are,” a high male voice came in. He spoke with electric venom. “You’re a mess. Get over yourself. You’re healthy and well. You can get up, walk away from all of this.” It was Ly, of course. His unsympathetic voice came from a small distance from me. I knew he wouldn’t want to be near me. We had an understanding of not being too fond of each other, but there was this odd bond that we had that I could never quite describe. He was right and I couldn’t argue with him. I was hating myself and self-conscious of being like this in front of others. No one should see me so helpless.
“Ly. Watch your mouth, you little pansy,” Nao sneered at him.
“He’s all talk.” Shiroi shook her head.
“Really immature,” Sayoko agreed.
I could imagine him rolling his eyes and folding his arms childishly. However, I didn’t bother to look. I didn’t bother to look at any of them. I couldn’t.
More hot tears slipped down my now flushed, red cheeks. ‘Pathetic... Yes... He hates me. I’ve been abandoned and left with nothing... Nothing.’
“You’ll feel better in a few month’s time. I’ll be okay,” an intellectual-sounding female voice assured me. “You’ll find your passion again. You’ll be able to use your legs to get up and walk again. The next time you love will be 100 times more.” It was Kumari now. The novelist. I knew she could have let me be lost with her magical words of cheering me up. But I also knew that she spared me; I would become sick of her romantic vocabulary and that would have made me more depressed. Her strong, solid words always use to comfort me so, but not now. No words could ever comfort me at a time such as this.
“You are all happy,” I mumbled. “All so happy with your lovers. ...Please... I really do appreciate that you are all trying to cheer me up. But, I can’t depend on every one of you as I have before. I just...can’t.” All of the memories, all of my thoughts about everything that has happened: I threw them into a dark abyss inside of me. Throwing them all away to try and forget this pain.
Yes. I had to isolate myself from everything in order to forget.
The pain will go away without reminders. Reminders of my time I shared together with him. Seichi.
“Seichi...” My voice was strong. I said the words I’ve been longing to say to finish all of this: “Goodbye forever.”
Silence.
There were no voices. None that I was expecting.
Although, I was wrong. There was still one thing after all. Something that hadn’t left...
Here I was, sitting in a rather small room, lights off, single chair...and alone with myself in my own awful agonizing reality.