(no subject)
I hate feeling like I'm somehow letting everyone down. I can't be the person that everyone wants me to be. I don't want to be the dissapointment in everyone's lives. And I thought that by going to DYLC I could fix that. But obviously not. I loved DYLC, but I think that maybe Jim made a mistake sending me there. I don't think I was ready for it. Now that I'm back I'm expected to be a much better leader than before, to have completly changed. Changed enough so that my parents realize it. But I don't think that's happened. I mean, if I had really changed, my mom wouldn't have gotten mad at me 5 minutes after she picked me up from DYLC. I wouldn't have been crying the whole way home. I wouldn't still feel like I'm always trying to run away from my home because I can't deal with everything that's been going on. If I really changed I wouldn't have this feeling like sometimes I am alone, and that no one really cares. I would know that everything is gonna be alright. But right now I'm scared. I don't want to be this person. And even after everything that I learned at DYLC I don't know how to change. I don't want to let my worries and fears be known by everyone. But at the same time, I don't know if I can do this alone. I'm so tired of thinking about all the what-if's. I'll be honest I miss poms, I miss the people, and I miss the friendships that I had. I didn't want to lose them, but it seems as if I have. I'm sorry guys, I thought that I could do this, but I don't know if i can. I needed a break, but I didn't want to lose you all too. I don't know, in some weird way it seems like all that I'm good at is losing friendships. I mean, it's happened a lot these past few years. And if it just happened once, it wouldn't be a big deal, but it keeps happening. And so it makes me wonder if it's my fault. And I think it is. And I'm sorry. I didn't want to mess everything up. It just always seems to happen. I keep making the wrong choices. I keep picking the wrong door. I keep falling apart, not being able to move on. I want to change, I dont' want all this to keep going on. I just don't know if I can. I need a sign from soneone, anyone, that I haven't completly screwed up my life, that they care, and that they'll be there for me.