(no subject)
I have today come to the stark realization that i have the tendency to jump from relationship to relationship. Not once in the last three years have i truly been single for more than a period of half a month. From some women in college, to meghna, from meghna to bhawna to eriko to aparna to nicole to vipasha. it has been a constant ride, where i have not realized that i may be giving up the standards and principles i grew up with or learnt to hold for myself over the years by giving into relationships and the possibilities of the future. Some of this may not make sense, im just typing away at this point.
I just realized that to a very large extent my need to be with someone at all points of my life has caused me to miss out on some of the clear opportunities that have come upon me over the years. I have realized, the necessity for constant companionship in my life has made me loose sight of some very important things. My focus has become more about what i want for my wedding and my life with a wife and such, rather than fulfilling my dreams of making an impact upon the country that i love so much. I for some time, actually thought that making decisions about my future, were primarily motivated by some girl that was in my life at that time. With meghna, i wanted to stay in India, with Bhawna i didnt want to go back to college, with nicole i wanted to remain in the US as long as possible, with Vips i wanted to move to wherever she felt most comfortable moving to and doing the things she wanted. Im not saying that i didnt want some these things, in retrospect i wanted most of my life that i had planned with vips, less with nicole, even lesser with Bhawna and least with meghna, but i lost track completely of the fact that i want to do something grand in life. to change my world in someway, to be known as the person who made our generation amount to something other than making luxuries like IPODS and Cell phones more user friendly.
I had a dream of being able to accomplish something great, and in many parts i did with tsunami and jamshedpur, but those were crumbs of the greater pie that i want to achieve. I want to be known, i want to be feared (some times), i want to be adored. But all i have done is to cut myself short in the process of appeasing my loved one.
I dont know, whats wrong with me? I say no more, though old tricks die hard. I will try to put my dreams and aspirations infront of those who are so beautiful in my life. And when the time comes i will commit with all the intensity i have, the passion, the love, the care ofcourse the money, and all that i have to give to the person. And i think vipasha will be that one at the end of it, im just waiting to figure myself out before i grab her and take her up on that pedestal and cherish her for the rest of my life. Today finally i have the will and the realization to change something again.
I just realized that to a very large extent my need to be with someone at all points of my life has caused me to miss out on some of the clear opportunities that have come upon me over the years. I have realized, the necessity for constant companionship in my life has made me loose sight of some very important things. My focus has become more about what i want for my wedding and my life with a wife and such, rather than fulfilling my dreams of making an impact upon the country that i love so much. I for some time, actually thought that making decisions about my future, were primarily motivated by some girl that was in my life at that time. With meghna, i wanted to stay in India, with Bhawna i didnt want to go back to college, with nicole i wanted to remain in the US as long as possible, with Vips i wanted to move to wherever she felt most comfortable moving to and doing the things she wanted. Im not saying that i didnt want some these things, in retrospect i wanted most of my life that i had planned with vips, less with nicole, even lesser with Bhawna and least with meghna, but i lost track completely of the fact that i want to do something grand in life. to change my world in someway, to be known as the person who made our generation amount to something other than making luxuries like IPODS and Cell phones more user friendly.
I had a dream of being able to accomplish something great, and in many parts i did with tsunami and jamshedpur, but those were crumbs of the greater pie that i want to achieve. I want to be known, i want to be feared (some times), i want to be adored. But all i have done is to cut myself short in the process of appeasing my loved one.
I dont know, whats wrong with me? I say no more, though old tricks die hard. I will try to put my dreams and aspirations infront of those who are so beautiful in my life. And when the time comes i will commit with all the intensity i have, the passion, the love, the care ofcourse the money, and all that i have to give to the person. And i think vipasha will be that one at the end of it, im just waiting to figure myself out before i grab her and take her up on that pedestal and cherish her for the rest of my life. Today finally i have the will and the realization to change something again.