Things
Well, I found out from gkrikket that my ex has gotten a motorized scooter. Per his request, I've been staying away from his LJ. My health problems have gotten really bad and it's next to impossible for me to walk for any length of time. So dummy me, I sent him an email asking him about his scooter and if he found someplace that sells them used or at least for a reasonable rate, I sent it to him last weekend. I was hoping that he had finally forgiven me thinking that it has been 10 years with minimal contact and that he would at least respond to me about a "neutral" topic. It seems I was wrong, yet again. I understand that he hates me and blames me for the divorce, but I figured that this was a neutral topic and therefore not a personal one. You see, I had an epiphany this last week. I realized that this entire time I had been blaming him for everything bad that's happened to me and my family since I ended the marriage. I realized that for all his faults, it wasn't his fault. All of our financial hard times, I blamed on him and it just wasn't right. I finally forgave him for the things he did put me through while we were together and forgave myself for blaming him and hating him. I finally feel grounded again, centered. The day after I forgave him and me, I found out my unemployment that I've been fighting for 26 weeks was finally approved. The day after that, I found out my disability claim was approved (the first time filing which is very rare). And then the day after that, I found a MSN group that welcomed me with open arms, I'm finally back on my shamanistic path. I'm finally reconnecting with my main totem of Wolf. The point being, I'm finally feeling at peace for all the things I've been through; all the choices I've made and all the mistakes I've made. The main mistake I've made in my past is the way I ended it with my ex. I should have been more sensitive, but I wasn't. I could have explained my exact reasons for ending it, but I didn't. I devastated him, and for that, I'm sorry. Hindsight is 20/20 after all. I'm not perfect, after all, I'm only human. I would think that he would have had at least responded to a non-personal email about a stupid motorized scooter. It's not like I have health insurance, this is something that I'll have to pay for out of my own pocket. If he should hear of this post or actually read it. I would like a response because I really need the information. I don't have a lot of time to do a lot of research on my own because I physically can't get out of bed most days to do it.