Fic: Coming Back - Chapter 14
Title: Coming Back - Ch. 14/?
Pairing: Lee/Kara
Rating: PG-13 to R - there is some kissin’
Spoilers: Anything up to and including Exodus, Part 2
Summary: Lee reached Kara in time, but is she really ready to accept his care and concern?
A/N: All right, kiddos, I think I might finally be over the hump with this story (yippee!!). As such I feel good about the flow of words and the amount I’m writing each day. Hopefully we’ll be wrapped up by next weekend, maybe sooner.
Thanks so much to everyone’s comments regarding the last few chapters. I know it’s difficult to see Kara in such a painful place, but I think given the events of New Caprica and this story, it’s warranted. I’m glad most of you think so too!
Happy reading!
~TamSibling
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Chapter 14
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Kara didn’t want to be here. The yellow-red-blue of the mandala screamed at her silently from its place on the wall across from the bed. She stayed where she was, curled up on her side, staring at the painted mural, intermittently closing her eyes and praying that when she next opened them it would be gone. No matter how fervently she pleaded, it remained.
She knew now, in a way she hadn’t before that this was a dream. She supposed the Oracle might call it a vision or some type of foreshadowing, but Kara only knew it wasn’t real. Naming it didn’t so much matter as long as she was aware of that fact. And yet, she couldn’t wake up.
She was alone this time, no specters of Leoben or Sam to haunt her, but Lee wasn’t there either and she wanted him to be. It was odd to float in this strange space between waking and sleeping, to know the things she saw weren’t real, but have no way to actually come back to herself, to bring her body back to the present.
Time passed strangely. She felt as though it had been hours since she’d seen Lee, since he had found her, huddled on the floor of his quarters bleeding. Since she had tried to leave and he had smartly told her she couldn’t. She had felt a passing annoyance when he’d explained the doc’s ultimatum, but in some ways it was a gut reaction that masked her relief. Relief that she wouldn’t have to actually say she needed him, but she could keep him close all the same.
Okay, she was bored now. And more than a little annoyed. With a sigh, Kara sat up slowly, wary eyes on the mandala the whole time. Her movement did not wake her from the dream as she’d hoped; she was still alone, still without Lee. She could remember his promise from before, his promise that he wouldn’t leave. His absence told her she had to be dreaming because she believed him. She believed he was still here with her and he wasn’t going to go.
Closing her eyes, Kara counted down from ten, angry that when she opened them again, she was still stuck in the dream, still staring at that damn mandala that she had been painting in some way since she was five.
“Damn it,” she muttered. Why couldn’t she wake up? And why was she alone?
“Lee. Lee, please be here,” she murmured, not even sure what she was hoping would happen. But it only took a moment before something did.
“Kara? Hey, can you hear me?”
She could hear him, but not see him. She struggled not to panic. “Lee? I want to wake up.”
Kara heard the faintest sound of a chuckle and when he spoke she could tell he was smiling.
“Then wake up, Starbuck.”
She closed her eyes and opened them again. Nothing. “Damn it. Lee?”
“Come on, Kara.”
This time his voice was softer and if Kara closed her eyes and concentrated very hard she swore she could feel the gentle touch of his hand on hers, the weight of his palm against her cheek. And then he spoke again and she could feel the ghost of breath across her lips.
“Wake up, Kara, it’s okay. I’m here.”
She came to with him kissing her like a scene out of some old fairy tale she had read once. Kara Thrace had never much believed in white knights or dragon slayers, but she’d bet her last cubit that Lee did. She’d bet all the fresh fruit left in the universe that if he knew she looked at him that way, he’d never stop smiling.
He pulled back, his deep blue eyes meeting hers, palm still against her cheek as he smiled at her. “You okay?”
She nodded once, knowing she was dangerously close to doing something stupid. It was hard to remain objective, hard to remember why she had to be tough-as-nails Starbuck when Lee was looking at her like that. Looking at her like she was the most fragile thing he’d ever seen.
And even as her heart pounded in her chest and her palms grew sweaty and every voice in her head screamed that she should get up and leave, that she should say something mean and damaging, Kara Thrace found her tongue loosening and she finally said what was actually in her heart.
“I don’t know who I am anymore.”
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Lee’s automatic response was to say something like, “You’re Starbuck,” but the look in Kara’s eyes and the pure panic that radiated out from her gaze the moment she uttered the words told him to tread carefully. While Kara had been vulnerable in the past, and had definitely not been her indomitable self since New Caprica, even Lee knew this conversation was something completely foreign for her. He was going to respect that.
“What do you mean?” he asked softly, pulling back slightly, but still maintaining contact with her skin. One hand lied against her cheek, his thumb rubbing gently along the soft skin there, while he held the other hand, their entwined fingers resting on top of his thigh. They were already hip to hip, her position on the propped up pillows giving them both an easy line of sight to the other.
He watched as Kara swallowed hard, the motion visible against the pale skin of her long neck, before she spoke. “When Zak died,” she started softly, shifting her gaze to the ceiling, but making no other move to separate them. “He … Well, I guess that’s when I became Starbuck, you know? She was loud and obnoxious and belched like a guy,” she added with a smile that Lee returned. He had many memories of Starbuck, including watching one night at a bar on Caprica as she’d challenged a table full of first years to a belching contest. Kara’s rendition of the Colonial National Anthem had put them all to shame.
It was probably about a week after his brother had died.
“Starbuck got me through a lot,” she admitted. “Starbuck never got sad or hurt, she never pined after a guy or worried about how she looked or even gave two craps about pulling retina-detaching stunts in her bird. I just didn’t care. I didn’t have to.”
She paused to take a deep breath and Lee hesitated, wondering if there was something he could say to make this easier for her. He chose to wait, knowing there was more Kara wanted to tell him, more she needed to explain before she’d be ready for anything he might have to offer.
“I don’t think I’m her anymore,” Kara finally said, voice having dropped to barely more than a whisper.
“Why not?” Lee questioned, hoping to keep her talking.
Kara shrugged. “The worlds ended and everything changed.”
Lee smirked. “I don’t know about that. I seem to remember Starbuck was alive and kicking when I showed up.”
She had been in the brig at the time, Kara supposed that was a fair assessment. “Yeah, maybe, but somehow in the past couple of years, she’s just … gone. By the time Leoben found me on New Caprica …” She paused again, taking a deep shuddering breath, still not looking at him. “By the time he dragged me off to that dollhouse, I wasn’t Starbuck anymore, I was just Kara. And Kara wasn’t strong enough.”
Lee squeezed the hand he held, leaning over her slightly so she’d have to meet his gaze. “Listen to me, Kara. You are the strongest person I know, Starbuck or not. You survived that hellhole, survived being held prisoner by that-“ He broke off mid-sentence, jaw clenched tight as he fought his emotions. The number of choice epithets he had for Leoben was growing by the second.
“You survived,” he finally said, voice controlled. “You killed him, Kara, multiple times. With any other enemy, that would have been a win. It’s not your fault the Cylons have an endless supply of bodies.”
Her expression was sad, as though Lee were just being slow, like a five-year-old who didn’t understand that the family dog wasn’t waking up from the type of sleep she was describing. “It doesn’t matter, Lee, I let him-“
“No, Kara. It does matter. It matters a lot. You have to stop blaming yourself. You have to understand that none of this was your fault. Starbuck or no, what happened on New Caprica would have frakked with anyone’s head.”
“Starbuck wouldn’t have given in.” She spoke with a finality that made Lee a little nervous. While he hadn’t really noticed it before, the way she was speaking of herself in the third person worried him. How could he convince her that Kara and Starbuck were one in the same? That Starbuck wasn’t gone, that she and Kara had just grown, matured into a different person?
“Kara, I’m not going to lie to you, Starbuck is pretty kick ass.” Her cheeks flushed red, but she held her tongue and Lee pushed on. “I mean, she has pulled my ass out of the fire more times than I can count, but she’s just a part of who you are, Kara Thrace.” He emphasized her name, squeezing her hand on each syllable for reinforcement. “And I am in love with you, Kara. All of you.”
She inhaled a sharp breath and Lee saw the start of tears pooling at the bottom of her eyes. He wished telling her that didn’t cause her to cry. Wished pain and denial weren’t her immediate reactions to what should be something so wonderful. Lee knew given her past and her mother’s upbringing it was a tall wish to make, but he wanted it for her nonetheless. Couldn’t wait for the day when he would say it and she would smile.
“You can’t love someone who doesn’t even know who they are,” she told him, finally dislodging his hold on her by sitting up. He hovered, ready to help her, but she managed on her own, back leaning against the head of the bed, her injured arm cradled in front of her. As soon as she was settled, he reached for her hand again, lacing their fingers together so she couldn’t pull away. “You can’t love someone who loved a Cylon.”
“Kara, you didn’t know about Sam. None of us did, and I will remind you of that every gods-damned day if I have to.” She frowned at him, stubbornness clear in every line of her body. Her wayward tears had vanished, replaced with her usual bravado. Lee wondered how she could think Starbuck was missing-he could see his hotshot problem pilot clearly now.
“And I know exactly who you are, Kara.” She leveled him with a look, one that was no doubt meant to shut him up, but had the opposite effect. Instead of backing off, instead of taking her warning for what it was, Lee scooted closer, moving both hands so they could cup her face, forcing her eyes on his.
He held her that way in silence for a long moment, studying the crease of her brow, the lines of her face, the sadness and defiance warring for dominance in her hazel eyes. There was just the smallest hint of gold sparking there, telling him she was ready for a fight, should he start one. Lee had no interest in fighting.
Finally, as if she couldn’t take the silence or his scrutiny, she demanded, “Fine, Lee, than who am I?”
And then he smiled, because it was so simple, so easy, he didn’t know why he hadn’t seen it before. Leaning forward, their mouths only inches apart now, he stared into her eyes and said, “You are Kara Thrace. The woman I love.”
And then he kissed her.
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Kara had only been rendered speechless a handful of times. Lee’s admission and his kiss made her mute as he tilted his head to the side and began his sweet assault on her mouth once more. She considered for a split second pushing him away, telling him to go to hell, reminding him one more time how damaged she was before forcing herself to leave.
But the decision was made for her the minute she reached to touch him, curling her good hand into the front of his tanks and pulling him closer. The moment his chest drew flush with hers, Kara knew the time for pushing him away was past. She would try, try to be better, try to be whole for Lee.
If he was truly willing to have her.
They parted when the need to breathe became too great, Lee’s forehead resting against hers, his hand covering the one she had wrapped in his shirt. Breathing in each other’s air, they stayed silent for a long moment, heads tented together, hands entwined. Kara relished the contact and Lee’s closeness. It had been so long since she’d been close to someone and not felt as though her skin would crawl.
The silence stretched too long, growing uncomfortable. Kara struggled for something to say, something that would keep Lee here. Despite all of his promises, she was still terrified he would run, find an excuse to bolt and leave her alone.
“Lee, I -“
“Kara, I wish you could believe me.” He whispered, lifting his lips to brush against her forehead before he shifted positions and joined her at the headboard. With his solid weight and warmth beside her, Kara easily curled into his body, resting her head on his shoulder. He still hadn’t released her hand and their joined hands lay clasped over his heart. “I wish you could understand how much I love you.”
I do. The words were poised on her tongue. She rolled them around in her mouth for a moment, seeing how they felt, seeing if she could shake the oddness of the statement. Mama had claimed she beat her because she loved her so much. Zak had loved her too, but all of his promises had proved for naught. Sam had said he loved her and turned out to be a machine. Leoben had professed to love her and thought the best way to show it was to throw a fake kid in front of her and keep her behind bars.
“No one has ever loved me like you have, Lee,” she finally admitted, voice soft. She could hear the steady beat of Lee’s heart under her cheek and she scooted a little closer, throwing one of her legs over his, soaking up more of his heat and his solid presence. “It’s hard for me to trust that.”
He sighed, but didn’t respond immediately. At first, Kara thought it was for the best. What was their to say to her admission that she couldn’t trust his feelings or apparently her own? But the longer he stayed quiet, the more she feared he’d actually seen the logic in her statement and figured out he was fighting a losing battle.
And that’s when she knew. There were no more words Lee could offer that would convince her. Whatever was between them wasn’t about promises or vows or even affirmations shouted at the night sky. It was in actions. It was in Lee’s presence, here, now, when he could have left. It was in the look in his eyes when he’d found her a few hours ago, or when he’d barged into that storage locker and rescued her from Sam and Tori. It was in the way he held her when they kissed and the way he cared for her when they made love. It was in the way he put her needs before his own and wanted to be in her orbit, even when she felt as though she were a sun going nova.
Their relationship was about each other, about being together and damn the consequences. It was about Kara paying attention to what was right in front of her, trusting her eyes and dismissing the evil voice in her head that alternately sounded like her mother, Sam and Leoben. It was about this-this moment right now and all the ones that would come after.
“I get it,” she finally whispered. And she meant it. She was finally beginning to understand. “I do, Lee, I swear. I know you love me,” she said softly, the idea still foreign to her, the words still odd in her mouth. “But I’m still going to have some doubts, not in you, but myself.” Lifting her head she met his gaze and felt another wave of tears flood her eyes. Gods, would she ever stop crying? “It’s not going to be easy,” she said, stretching up to press a lingering kiss under his jaw, then following the curve of his cheek up to his mouth and kissing him again.
When they parted, Lee cupped her cheek and held her gaze, a small smile on his face and relief in his eyes. Kara could understand that, she felt lighter than she had since her return from New Caprica. “Kara, being with you has never been easy,” he admitted, still smiling, taking the sting from his words. Leaning forward, he nipped at her lips, once, twice before kissing her again, his tongue tracing the edge of her mouth. She parted her lips, meeting his tongue with her own as they tried to consume one another, tried to tell each other through this simple act how much they each needed the other.
Pulling back with a soft sigh, Kara panted quietly as Lee’s hand moved from her cheek to comb through her hair, brushing the loose strands behind her ear. His fingertips dragged across the skin there, making her shiver slightly. She pressed forward, ready to kiss him again, when he stopped her, placing a finger to her lips and forcing her to look at him again.
“You have never been easy, Kara Thrace,” he told her again. “But every second of being with you has always been worth it.”
One tear fell down her cheek, splashing onto his tank. It was quickly followed by another and then another and Kara pulled back to wipe at her cheeks hurriedly. Lee stilled her movements, taking her free hand in his and sitting forward to look her full in the face. “Kara. It’s okay.”
She bit her lip, feeling her entire body start to tremble, guessing she was seconds away from another meltdown. Her emotions had been running too close to the surface for too long. Lee’s admission and her acceptance were too much.
“I’m here, Kara, okay?”
She nodded once, letting him guide them both back down to a lying position, Kara’s body tucked into his side, her forehead pressing into the skin of his neck, his lips brushing against her forehead as Kara released more of her pain, her insecurities and finally started to accept that Lee loved her.
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8 Weeks Later
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“Kawa, Kawa.”
Kacey’s chant was still the quickest way to bring a smile to her face. Kara poked her head around the corner catching sight of the toddler sitting up in her and Lee’s bunk obviously finished with her nap.
Blonde curls askew, cheeks flushed a post-sleep red she was still the cutest damn thing Kara had ever seen.
“Yes, Miss Kacey?” She asked unable to keep the smile from her face.
Extending her arms, Kacey returned the grin and demanded, “Up.”
Kara crossed her arms over her chest and shook her head. “I don’t know, I didn’t hear the magic word.”
“Peeeeeeeease,” Kacey begged, her ‘s’ still suffering from a slight baby-voice lisp. As soon as she spoke she broke into a fit of giggles before standing up on the bed and starting to jump. “Kawa, Kawa. Vipuh, vipuh.”
“Oh, all right, you little monster,” Kara said with a big sigh as though she hadn’t known she’d give in all along. Swooping Kacey up and into her arms, Kara wrapped her good arm around the little girl’s belly, starting to make Viper noises as Kacey stuck her arms out like wings and squealed, “Ready for take-off!”
Kara began to spin her around, joining Kacey’s laughter with her own, as she shouted, “Checkers green, munchkin. Call the ball.”
“Kacey an’ Kawa, in for landing!” The girl yelled in delight and Kara headed them back to toward the bunk, both of them flopping onto the bed. It was their customary “landing” although Kara had tried to explain once that crashing was probably not the best thing. Kacey had simply looked at her with wide blue eyes, held her arms up and yelled, “Again.”
After that, Kara stopped going for realism when they played.
Laughing together, panting with exertion, Kara rolled onto her back, and Kacey summarily climbed on top of her. From this position it was easy for her to grab Kara’s dogtags and she pulled them out from under her tanks, jingling them as she began to sing a nonsense song. Kara stretched, trying to work out an odd kink in her back from how she’d fallen, but the movement stretched the still sore skin over her now destroyed tattoo.
She must have winced because Kacey stopped playing immediately, big eyes alighting to the abraded skin. “Kawa. Ouch?”
Kara shook her head once. “Nope, baby, I’m fine.” And she was, she was so much better than she’d been a few months ago. So much better even than the first time she’d agreed to babysit Kacey for Julia-at Lee’s suggestion, of course. So much had changed for her in the past eight weeks. So many things were better.
Including the few hours every week she got to spend with this little one. “All right, rugrat, what do you want to do until Lee gets back?”
Kacey’s face lit up with a bright smile the minute she mentioned Lee. While Kara and Kacey held a special bond that had been forged in the direst of circumstance, Lee and Kacey were fast becoming friends. Aside from the fact that he obviously cared for her and brought the child candy every chance he had, he was also the only person on board who would play “horsey” with her. Letting a toddler ride you around definitely succeeded in winning you a special place in her heart.
“Draw!” Kacey exclaimed, reminding Kara that they did have about an hour until Lee got off shift. Once he returned, with food from the mess, they’d sit down and eat and then together they’d take Kacey back to Dogsville and leave her with her mother.
It was always the hardest task of Kara’s week, even worse than the physical therapy to get her injured arm back in shape or the hours she had to spend on the deck taking care of birds, but not actually flying one. Having Lee beside her helped though. He always knew what she needed, always knew to just kiss her on the head and wrap an arm around her shoulders as they left the child behind.
He seemed to know quite a few things about her. Kara wondered why that didn’t bother her anymore.
She supposed it must be love.
“All right, munchkin, let’s draw.” Kara picked up the girl and deposited her on the floor before going to Lee’s desk and pulling out their supplies. He found them, happily content with their crayons and paper an hour later.