Losing Your Mind
It is easiest to believe that my soul is connected to my brain. That I am but one tiny piece of a bigger project that I will never know about. That I am here to carry out some menial yet essential purpose then cease to exist. That I can play then call it a day. It is easiest to believe that I am not meant to know my purpose or understand my creation. It is easiest to believe that death will bring a sigh of relief and absence of thought.
It is easiest not to believe.
It is difficult to ask these questions. They bring me down the rabbit hole. Asking these questions is like looking into a mirror with a mirror opposite of it and trying to see the end. The farther you look, and the more you understand, the more you do not understand. It is more than asking the question, it is feeling the question. It is feeling the question in every molecule of your body.
When your mind is reaching farther and farther, it is as if it is stretching away from your body. The funny thing is, this is exactly how it feels. The farther my mind reaches, the more disconnected I feel with my body and environment. I believe this can be a pleasant experience. However, when you are in a rut of stress, depression, or anxiety, this experience is highly tainted. When the mind stretches away from the body it can go two places: heaven or hell.
This is how I see heaven and hell. Usually I am content to believe that by living our life a certain way we create a heavenly or miserable life. Depending on the life we construct, our day to day experiences are overwhelmingly marked by pleasant or miserable experiences. However, now I have a sense of a related but different experience of heaven and hell. Actually, is probably just a deeper experience. Usually when I find myself lost in deep question and confusion, I am filled with awe. Everything is amazing and beautifully intricate and mysteriously fascinating. But when I am feeling low, these same questions send me into a spiral of fear and anxiety. My chest is tight and I am flooded with fears that the world around me will fall apart. That the world around me will cease to make sense. I will be lost in a world I do not understand. A state of pain, fear, and confusion. Strangely enough, this fear is more of a 'fear of a fear'. Actually losing control never happens, it only nudges at the edges of my consciousness. I have a fear of going crazy.
It's easier when you don't ask these questions.Sometimes I envy the obnoxious, materially bound, over-dramatic, unintelligent people I see. Yes, ignorance is bliss. It is safe to not understand or be curious. So I must remind myself of the benefit of my mind. I believe my positive experiences, when they occur, are on a deeper more fulfilling level. Plus, when I look at my life, I like what I see. But I do not say this in vain. I often would forsake my mind for ignorance. I have seen dark and scary places.
For example, the act of dieing does not scare me. What happens after death scares me. I see eternity stretch before me with infinite possibilities. And if good and evil exist equally as far as we understand, this eternity could be relentless. I only hope that death will bring peace. But what if I mess it up? Will I get myself stuck in extremely unfortunate circumstances? What if we are all doomed? As much as I wouldn't like to believe this, I feel an urgency to figure something out (become a certain person) before I die, so I can insure a positive experience after death, if something like this occurs. A thought just dawned on me: this mode of thinking is very Christian-like. Damn Christianity. Or perhaps, was it innate human feelings like mine that created such a picture of our world (Christianity)?
But I still have this sense of everything being ripped apart. My understanding ripping apart. The chemicals in my brain going haywire sending me into the deepest pit of hell on earth. And if this state occurred, I couldn't even rely on my own death for peace for the thought of death brings no comfort.
Do you realize: essentially, nothing makes sense?
In conclusion: I need a vacation.
It is easiest not to believe.
It is difficult to ask these questions. They bring me down the rabbit hole. Asking these questions is like looking into a mirror with a mirror opposite of it and trying to see the end. The farther you look, and the more you understand, the more you do not understand. It is more than asking the question, it is feeling the question. It is feeling the question in every molecule of your body.
When your mind is reaching farther and farther, it is as if it is stretching away from your body. The funny thing is, this is exactly how it feels. The farther my mind reaches, the more disconnected I feel with my body and environment. I believe this can be a pleasant experience. However, when you are in a rut of stress, depression, or anxiety, this experience is highly tainted. When the mind stretches away from the body it can go two places: heaven or hell.
This is how I see heaven and hell. Usually I am content to believe that by living our life a certain way we create a heavenly or miserable life. Depending on the life we construct, our day to day experiences are overwhelmingly marked by pleasant or miserable experiences. However, now I have a sense of a related but different experience of heaven and hell. Actually, is probably just a deeper experience. Usually when I find myself lost in deep question and confusion, I am filled with awe. Everything is amazing and beautifully intricate and mysteriously fascinating. But when I am feeling low, these same questions send me into a spiral of fear and anxiety. My chest is tight and I am flooded with fears that the world around me will fall apart. That the world around me will cease to make sense. I will be lost in a world I do not understand. A state of pain, fear, and confusion. Strangely enough, this fear is more of a 'fear of a fear'. Actually losing control never happens, it only nudges at the edges of my consciousness. I have a fear of going crazy.
It's easier when you don't ask these questions.Sometimes I envy the obnoxious, materially bound, over-dramatic, unintelligent people I see. Yes, ignorance is bliss. It is safe to not understand or be curious. So I must remind myself of the benefit of my mind. I believe my positive experiences, when they occur, are on a deeper more fulfilling level. Plus, when I look at my life, I like what I see. But I do not say this in vain. I often would forsake my mind for ignorance. I have seen dark and scary places.
For example, the act of dieing does not scare me. What happens after death scares me. I see eternity stretch before me with infinite possibilities. And if good and evil exist equally as far as we understand, this eternity could be relentless. I only hope that death will bring peace. But what if I mess it up? Will I get myself stuck in extremely unfortunate circumstances? What if we are all doomed? As much as I wouldn't like to believe this, I feel an urgency to figure something out (become a certain person) before I die, so I can insure a positive experience after death, if something like this occurs. A thought just dawned on me: this mode of thinking is very Christian-like. Damn Christianity. Or perhaps, was it innate human feelings like mine that created such a picture of our world (Christianity)?
But I still have this sense of everything being ripped apart. My understanding ripping apart. The chemicals in my brain going haywire sending me into the deepest pit of hell on earth. And if this state occurred, I couldn't even rely on my own death for peace for the thought of death brings no comfort.
Do you realize: essentially, nothing makes sense?
In conclusion: I need a vacation.