bad cops bad cops
so, i havent written in a while. very safe to say that i have been in a funk... havent really wanted to do anything. i work, and thats about it. but i seem to be feeling better... i am acknowledging things, and that seems to be very key. im trying deperately to take better care of myself, and it seems to be working. started with a new pillow new matresses hundred dr visits million blood tests bruised arm topped off by the biopsy tomorrow. and boy am i excited. i really want to fly home crawl under my moms blanket and just hide. i am so fucking terrified of life right now, and it sucks. i feel normal, i go around doing my normal day to day things. but then there's this underlying current of holy shit all of the time. so i say things like its just preliminary and its precautionary and theyre just making sure, but what i really mean is holy fuck what is happening to me.
so tonight: do i go out and get my mind off things, or do i stay home and get some rest and obsess with thoughts like what the hell are they going to do to me, and will it hurt. i just want to get it over with. and i use mantras like whatever im going thru isnt as bad as what dusty's going thru right now, and if he can do it, so can i. i just want to be ok. i want to be happy and healthy and normal. blah barf blech poo crap.
so tonight: do i go out and get my mind off things, or do i stay home and get some rest and obsess with thoughts like what the hell are they going to do to me, and will it hurt. i just want to get it over with. and i use mantras like whatever im going thru isnt as bad as what dusty's going thru right now, and if he can do it, so can i. i just want to be ok. i want to be happy and healthy and normal. blah barf blech poo crap.