I wish i could HATE him
I guess everyone has to grow up sometime right? Well i think i'm at that age that i'm SUPPOSED to grow up. but really i'm fighting it tooth and nail. i don't want to grow up. fuck. i've only just turned 23!!! holy hell people. But i FEEL old. even though i'm not, i FEEL it. and its growing on me as every day passes. how much have i gone through already? Enough for two lifetimes to be full. I have done alot of learning and i'm ready to take ONE more step towards being a growned up. lol. I know i'm married, and i know i have a daughter. But dammit, we want another child!
I'm ready to grow up and i realize the consequences of our actions and i'm fully ready to handle them. This is the ONLY part that i want to grow up on!
fuck i already have a bank job. which i love. and its a VERY good paying job. to top that off, i have my own things, my own money, my own everything. even my very own offspring! lol. So i guess i'm starting to grow up huh?
in other thoughts, i'd like to point out that i really would like to call and ask him to lunch. why? fuck if i know. maybe i like to be disappointed. maybe i like my heart being ripped in two just by the sound of a phone hanging up. maybe i like getting slaughtered verbally so much that i ASK to be verbally abused. why you ask again? because at least i'm getting yelled at by him than nothing at all. which right now sounds pretty good. I have absolutly NO contact with the man whatsoever, and i'm hoping that one day soon i'll stop caring about him. stop wondering where he is and what he's doing. i hope that maybe one day i'll hate him. but for now, i can't. its so fucking hard. i guess i'm just setting myself up for another disaster. but at least i can say that I was the one who tried. and one day i can die happy knowing that i at least tried. Nothing could be worse than what already is ya know? so i guess i'm not risking much now am i? Fuck. you know, i said that last time, and it did end up worse. I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of hoping. I'm tired of wanting something that will never happen. How do i justify anything? How do i stop?How do i start to hate?
Fuck i'm tired. Guess i'll go to bed. It's my favorite place to be. In my bed, laying on that awsome memory foam mattress of mine and falling asleep thinking about gorgeous people wanting me. pshhh Jared Leto was so yesterday. CYA...
I'm ready to grow up and i realize the consequences of our actions and i'm fully ready to handle them. This is the ONLY part that i want to grow up on!
fuck i already have a bank job. which i love. and its a VERY good paying job. to top that off, i have my own things, my own money, my own everything. even my very own offspring! lol. So i guess i'm starting to grow up huh?
in other thoughts, i'd like to point out that i really would like to call and ask him to lunch. why? fuck if i know. maybe i like to be disappointed. maybe i like my heart being ripped in two just by the sound of a phone hanging up. maybe i like getting slaughtered verbally so much that i ASK to be verbally abused. why you ask again? because at least i'm getting yelled at by him than nothing at all. which right now sounds pretty good. I have absolutly NO contact with the man whatsoever, and i'm hoping that one day soon i'll stop caring about him. stop wondering where he is and what he's doing. i hope that maybe one day i'll hate him. but for now, i can't. its so fucking hard. i guess i'm just setting myself up for another disaster. but at least i can say that I was the one who tried. and one day i can die happy knowing that i at least tried. Nothing could be worse than what already is ya know? so i guess i'm not risking much now am i? Fuck. you know, i said that last time, and it did end up worse. I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of hoping. I'm tired of wanting something that will never happen. How do i justify anything? How do i stop?How do i start to hate?
Fuck i'm tired. Guess i'll go to bed. It's my favorite place to be. In my bed, laying on that awsome memory foam mattress of mine and falling asleep thinking about gorgeous people wanting me. pshhh Jared Leto was so yesterday. CYA...