Sick & Tired
Well, it's finally all over (at least I think). I mailed Kyle his things today. I even made sure to get delivery confirmation and insurance in case he said "I didn't get it" or "It was damaged" which wouldn't really surprise me considering how much of an asshole he is being. It's so amazing to think that just a week ago, he was saying how much he loved me and missed me, and how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and that nothing would ever come between us and he'd never give up on us...and that I was so good to him and nothing in the world made him happier. Then less than a week later, he's saying that he never wants to speak to me again and I treated him so horribly and he'll find someone that made him happier than I ever made him, yadda yadda yadda. I know in my heart that its the monster inside of him speaking and not him, but it still wears on me. I know in my heart that the way he really feels is represented by what he said a week ago. But I'm still angry. I'm angry that another promising relationship was flushed down the drain. I'm angry that I was treated that way, and I'm even more angry that I ever allowed it. I'm angry for not seeing the signs sooner and running sooner. I'm angry that I still love him and can't just move on. I'm just angry right now. I want so bad to hate him for what he did, but I can't bring myself to do it. Everytime I think of the mean, cruel things he did to me, I think of the times that he was sweet and loving. And then I think about how this is like two separate people...one that I love, and one that I hate. One that loves me, and one that hates everything and everyone. And because of the evil twin, I have to walk away from the beautiful person that he is really. And another thing that makes me angry...is this mental condition that causes this. This fucking disease that has robbed me and him of the happiness that was within our reach.
But fuck it. I can no longer cry over what might have been. I must focus on what was. And what it was is something that I cannot deal with. I mean, I do have some self-respect because I was able to be strong enough to walk when I didn't want to. But I still question myself. Even though I KNOW I did the right thing, there is still a part of me that wonders if things COULD have been different? Either way, it is over now. I have blocked any emails or IM's from him. I have deleted his phone number, and I simply don't answer whenever he calls (which he has already done once). I have left him no way to communicate with me for the time being. I plan on removing the blocks in a few weeks after he has had a chance to get this beast under control...just in case he really does want help. Everyone tells me that I'm a fool for even giving him that opportunity. They all say that I should walk away and never look back. But that's just not me. I can't totally turn my back on someone that I love, no matter what they've done. I can't explain why I'm so invested in this after such a short time. I don't know why I fell for him so quickly. But I did. And that is what is making this so damn difficult.
There is a part of me that wants to lash back at him. I have been wounded and I want to strike back. And I know that I could. I could tear him to shreds. I could say and do things that would devastate him. But I refuse to go down to that level. And I also know that in my heart, that's not what I want to do. My instinct is to still try to protect him. Maybe he was right...maybe I *AM* too nice.
But on a different note...Lance got here late last night. I went with him and Rex to Alibi and we got shit-faced. It was so much fun and really helped get my mind off of things (except for the few times that I thought back to the time that I took Kyle there and we danced and he kept kissing me and loving on me). I also talked to my ex Brian last night for the first time in a year and 3 months (approximately). It seems that he has really matured a lot, and is doing very well for himself. We've talked for many hours off and on since then...just catching up and also reminiscing about the past. He has said some things that really surprised me. I guess I made a much bigger impact on him than I realized. And he seems to really regret ever leaving. I get the sense that he kinda hopes that we'll eventually get back together. I dunno...I can't really think about that right now. Too much else going on. And then today, Lance and I went down to Baywalk to grab a bite to eat at The Dish. When we got there, I ran into another Kyle that I dated briefly. To be honest, I'm not really sure what happened with us. Everything seemed good. He's hot as hell. But we just kinda lost touch. We walked by and I was like "oh look, it's Kyle!" and Lance thought I meant the OTHER Kyle. LOL. But we talked for a minute. He said he'd call me sometime. Hope he still has my number. When we walked away, Lance made a comment about "and he obviously has it bad for you" and I was like "what do you mean?" and Lance explained that it was obvious by the way he was looking at me and smiling. I dunno, maybe I'm oblivious to it. And it's totally flattering, but I'm not going to be ready to date for a very long time. In fact, I need to just pull myself completely off the market for quite a while and just focus on me. I dunno...I dunno what I really want or need right now. This last blow has me reeling and I'm just trying to keep myself from falling down right now.
I hafta start my new job at Applebee's tomorrow. For some reason, I'm dreading it. I think it's just my current mindset. I'm going through a serious depression right now and it's hard to do anything but just sleep. I don't want to face the world right now, but I know I have to. Well, that's honestly all I feel like writing about right now. I'm hoping that this is the last time I'll have to write about Kyle. I really want to just wake up from this nightmare and close this chapter of my life completely.
But fuck it. I can no longer cry over what might have been. I must focus on what was. And what it was is something that I cannot deal with. I mean, I do have some self-respect because I was able to be strong enough to walk when I didn't want to. But I still question myself. Even though I KNOW I did the right thing, there is still a part of me that wonders if things COULD have been different? Either way, it is over now. I have blocked any emails or IM's from him. I have deleted his phone number, and I simply don't answer whenever he calls (which he has already done once). I have left him no way to communicate with me for the time being. I plan on removing the blocks in a few weeks after he has had a chance to get this beast under control...just in case he really does want help. Everyone tells me that I'm a fool for even giving him that opportunity. They all say that I should walk away and never look back. But that's just not me. I can't totally turn my back on someone that I love, no matter what they've done. I can't explain why I'm so invested in this after such a short time. I don't know why I fell for him so quickly. But I did. And that is what is making this so damn difficult.
There is a part of me that wants to lash back at him. I have been wounded and I want to strike back. And I know that I could. I could tear him to shreds. I could say and do things that would devastate him. But I refuse to go down to that level. And I also know that in my heart, that's not what I want to do. My instinct is to still try to protect him. Maybe he was right...maybe I *AM* too nice.
But on a different note...Lance got here late last night. I went with him and Rex to Alibi and we got shit-faced. It was so much fun and really helped get my mind off of things (except for the few times that I thought back to the time that I took Kyle there and we danced and he kept kissing me and loving on me). I also talked to my ex Brian last night for the first time in a year and 3 months (approximately). It seems that he has really matured a lot, and is doing very well for himself. We've talked for many hours off and on since then...just catching up and also reminiscing about the past. He has said some things that really surprised me. I guess I made a much bigger impact on him than I realized. And he seems to really regret ever leaving. I get the sense that he kinda hopes that we'll eventually get back together. I dunno...I can't really think about that right now. Too much else going on. And then today, Lance and I went down to Baywalk to grab a bite to eat at The Dish. When we got there, I ran into another Kyle that I dated briefly. To be honest, I'm not really sure what happened with us. Everything seemed good. He's hot as hell. But we just kinda lost touch. We walked by and I was like "oh look, it's Kyle!" and Lance thought I meant the OTHER Kyle. LOL. But we talked for a minute. He said he'd call me sometime. Hope he still has my number. When we walked away, Lance made a comment about "and he obviously has it bad for you" and I was like "what do you mean?" and Lance explained that it was obvious by the way he was looking at me and smiling. I dunno, maybe I'm oblivious to it. And it's totally flattering, but I'm not going to be ready to date for a very long time. In fact, I need to just pull myself completely off the market for quite a while and just focus on me. I dunno...I dunno what I really want or need right now. This last blow has me reeling and I'm just trying to keep myself from falling down right now.
I hafta start my new job at Applebee's tomorrow. For some reason, I'm dreading it. I think it's just my current mindset. I'm going through a serious depression right now and it's hard to do anything but just sleep. I don't want to face the world right now, but I know I have to. Well, that's honestly all I feel like writing about right now. I'm hoping that this is the last time I'll have to write about Kyle. I really want to just wake up from this nightmare and close this chapter of my life completely.