North and South in Five Minutes
So last year I watched the BBC Miniseries North and South based on sihaya09's recommendation. It was a lovely series. Today I finished reading the book (it's up free on Gutenberg and good for kindle reading, other than some minor typos, such as 'lust' for 'just' throughout the etext, such that one character or another was always being described as a 'fair and lust' man or another as having 'no sense of lustice').
16. North and South by Elizabeth Cleghorn Gaskell
A story of the amazing difference between the cultures of the different parts of England, spanning a little more than the distance I commute in the average day, near as I can figure. Anyway, there's two people who are determined to dislike each other who end up in love by the end of the book. There's a good deal of fainting, a lot of people putting their heads down on their desks, and people who cover their eyes or turn away or refuse to look at each other. What a very repressed bunch of people these are. Here's the extremely short version of the entire novel.
Character: *broods*
Character: *assumes*
Character: *represses*
Character: *projects*
Character: *represses some more*
Character: *fails utterly at explanation*
Character: *loses temper*
Character: *fails at compassion*
Character: *broods*
In slightly more detail:
Scene: Helston
Henry Lennox: Margaret, I've had two conversations with you, but I am utterly in love, marry me!
Margaret Hale: Ack! No.
Mr. Hale: I really don't know what to do. I am so lost. I am so confused. I think I will read in my study. Also, I quit my job as a priest due to ennui and we have to move out, like, tomorrow.
Mrs. Hale: I think I am dying.
Dixon (the servant): OMG this is all Mr. Hale's fault!
Margaret Hale: We must do the best we can. Um, is anyone going to help here? Anyone? No?
Scene: Milton
Mr. Thornton: I am a hard, tough, stubborn, fierce, vital example of the determined, cold, heartless leaders of modern industry! I am made of granite! I am forthright and unapologetic.
Mrs. Thornton: That's my boy! No one in the world is good enough for you! No one appreciates you or loves you like I do, except I won't tell you, because it might spoil you.
These two: *have massive oedipal issues. srsly.*
Margaret Hale: This is not like the south. It is noisy and crowded and the people on the street speak their mind in the most shocking way!
Mrs. Thornton: You nasty little no-nothing stuck up spoiled southern former aristocrat, you've never done a day's work in your life how dare you look down on us I hate you!
Mr. Thornton: *is in love*
Mrs. Thornton and Pretty Much Everyone Else: *secretly admires Margaret*
Margaret Hale: I wish I had a friend!
Bessy Higgins: I will be your friend!
Margaret Hale: Yay!
Bessy Higgins: Except I'm dying. Dead any minute now. Really. *cough*
Margaret Hale: Okay, well, let's talk about how nice heaven will be.
Mr. Higgins: aye ye clemming ough' hoos yer be takin' sae the-
Margaret Hale: Huh?
Mr. Higgins: We workers are so poor we cannot afford grammar or complete words!
In short order-
Workers: *strike*
Mr. Thornton: You were seen defending me from the mob! I yearn for you! Marry me! No woman has ever touched me like that!
Margaret Hale: I was only doing my Christian duty. Besides, I don't like you. I have no warm feelings for you whatsoever.
Mr. Thornton: *is even more in love. Could really use a therapist*
Frederick Hale: I'm only making a brief appearance, so I can cause controversy later. I don't think I want to stick around my family, it seems to have a fairly negative overall effect on one's health.
to whit-
Mrs. Hale: *dies*
Bessy Higgins: *dies*
Guy Who Got Mad at Frederick: *dies*
Margaret Hale: I am so upset by this! *faints, but gets better*
Striking Worker Who Started The Riot: *dies*
Mr. Hale: *dies*
Margaret Hale: I am an orphan, who will take care of me?
Mr. Bell: I will! I am your godfather!
Margaret Hale: Yay!
Mr. Bell *dies*
until eventually-
Margaret Hale: Despite the fact that we have still said almost nothing to each other, I keep running into Mr. Thornton all over the place and he still seems to like me. Huh. I just wish I knew what he was thinking.
Mr. Thornton: I am broke! I am a failure as a capitalist! Woe! Also, I express my love by saying your name over and over again.
Margaret Hale: I have lots of money! i could loan you some and then I'd own you and it's like we were married, If you'd like that.
Mr. Thornton: How did that happen? I thought the point of the start of the book was that you were a poor woman of good breeding whose family had to go north to seek a living among the booming but dirty towns of industrial production.
Margaret Hale: It seems I was the beneficiary of absolutely everyone's insurance policies. And their sole heir. Funny, huh?
Mr. Thornton: ...
THE END
I liked the novel, but there were many parts of it where I wanted a swat team of health and safety inspectors and maybe some trained mediators and therapists to swarm in and fix things. I often have this problem with novels.
16. North and South by Elizabeth Cleghorn Gaskell
A story of the amazing difference between the cultures of the different parts of England, spanning a little more than the distance I commute in the average day, near as I can figure. Anyway, there's two people who are determined to dislike each other who end up in love by the end of the book. There's a good deal of fainting, a lot of people putting their heads down on their desks, and people who cover their eyes or turn away or refuse to look at each other. What a very repressed bunch of people these are. Here's the extremely short version of the entire novel.
Character: *broods*
Character: *assumes*
Character: *represses*
Character: *projects*
Character: *represses some more*
Character: *fails utterly at explanation*
Character: *loses temper*
Character: *fails at compassion*
Character: *broods*
In slightly more detail:
Scene: Helston
Henry Lennox: Margaret, I've had two conversations with you, but I am utterly in love, marry me!
Margaret Hale: Ack! No.
Mr. Hale: I really don't know what to do. I am so lost. I am so confused. I think I will read in my study. Also, I quit my job as a priest due to ennui and we have to move out, like, tomorrow.
Mrs. Hale: I think I am dying.
Dixon (the servant): OMG this is all Mr. Hale's fault!
Margaret Hale: We must do the best we can. Um, is anyone going to help here? Anyone? No?
Scene: Milton
Mr. Thornton: I am a hard, tough, stubborn, fierce, vital example of the determined, cold, heartless leaders of modern industry! I am made of granite! I am forthright and unapologetic.
Mrs. Thornton: That's my boy! No one in the world is good enough for you! No one appreciates you or loves you like I do, except I won't tell you, because it might spoil you.
These two: *have massive oedipal issues. srsly.*
Margaret Hale: This is not like the south. It is noisy and crowded and the people on the street speak their mind in the most shocking way!
Mrs. Thornton: You nasty little no-nothing stuck up spoiled southern former aristocrat, you've never done a day's work in your life how dare you look down on us I hate you!
Mr. Thornton: *is in love*
Mrs. Thornton and Pretty Much Everyone Else: *secretly admires Margaret*
Margaret Hale: I wish I had a friend!
Bessy Higgins: I will be your friend!
Margaret Hale: Yay!
Bessy Higgins: Except I'm dying. Dead any minute now. Really. *cough*
Margaret Hale: Okay, well, let's talk about how nice heaven will be.
Mr. Higgins: aye ye clemming ough' hoos yer be takin' sae the-
Margaret Hale: Huh?
Mr. Higgins: We workers are so poor we cannot afford grammar or complete words!
In short order-
Workers: *strike*
Mr. Thornton: You were seen defending me from the mob! I yearn for you! Marry me! No woman has ever touched me like that!
Margaret Hale: I was only doing my Christian duty. Besides, I don't like you. I have no warm feelings for you whatsoever.
Mr. Thornton: *is even more in love. Could really use a therapist*
Frederick Hale: I'm only making a brief appearance, so I can cause controversy later. I don't think I want to stick around my family, it seems to have a fairly negative overall effect on one's health.
to whit-
Mrs. Hale: *dies*
Bessy Higgins: *dies*
Guy Who Got Mad at Frederick: *dies*
Margaret Hale: I am so upset by this! *faints, but gets better*
Striking Worker Who Started The Riot: *dies*
Mr. Hale: *dies*
Margaret Hale: I am an orphan, who will take care of me?
Mr. Bell: I will! I am your godfather!
Margaret Hale: Yay!
Mr. Bell *dies*
until eventually-
Margaret Hale: Despite the fact that we have still said almost nothing to each other, I keep running into Mr. Thornton all over the place and he still seems to like me. Huh. I just wish I knew what he was thinking.
Mr. Thornton: I am broke! I am a failure as a capitalist! Woe! Also, I express my love by saying your name over and over again.
Margaret Hale: I have lots of money! i could loan you some and then I'd own you and it's like we were married, If you'd like that.
Mr. Thornton: How did that happen? I thought the point of the start of the book was that you were a poor woman of good breeding whose family had to go north to seek a living among the booming but dirty towns of industrial production.
Margaret Hale: It seems I was the beneficiary of absolutely everyone's insurance policies. And their sole heir. Funny, huh?
Mr. Thornton: ...
THE END
I liked the novel, but there were many parts of it where I wanted a swat team of health and safety inspectors and maybe some trained mediators and therapists to swarm in and fix things. I often have this problem with novels.