Trash Can Disposal Notes

[tamnonlinear]

I came home from a nice evening out with friends (saw Schooner Fare with reedrover, achaosofkittens and teky4lf) to find that the garbage collectors had not only picked up the trash this morning but had also taken away the lid of my trash can. Lidless, it's now useless.

Trouble is that I'm not quite certain how to throw it out.

I suppose I could leave a note on it, but what genre of note does one leave on a trash can to get the garbage collections to take it away?

So far I've come up with three possible genres.

Suicidal:

Dear Garbage Collector,

I just can't take it any more. All my life is rot and filth, and I'm decaying along with all of this spent organic matter. I've lost part of me I can't function without. Please help me end it all. Take me away from all this!

-the can

Kinky:

Dear Garbage Collector,

Take me now! I'm just a filthy receptacle. Do with me as you will. I want your hands to yank me around. I want to be crushed under your power. I'm all yours.

- the can

(who knew they were in to degradation? Not me. But hey, I don't judge.)

Religious:

Dear Garbage Collector,

For many years I have brought you my humble offerings, serving as a conduit through which pass the objects of my household on the way to their final rest. I feel it is finally my time to embrace infinity and follow the path on which I have set others, to find the conclusion it holds for myself. I humbly beseech thy aid on my journey. Guide me with your wisdom, carry me in your truck.

- the can (a supplicant)

I have a few days to decide. Any other suggestions?

(yes, I really am going to bed now!)