Complete lack of motivation
I can not get motivated to do ANYTHING and it sucks really bad because it is doing nothing but making me feel worse. I finally got motivated to make some damn coffee this morning about 15 mins ago. Finished off the last of my Marshal Fields Frango Mint coffee ... seemed somehow fitting now that Fields is Macy's, damn New York. My apartment is absolutely trashed. There are boxes, bags, clothes, crap, cords and god knows what else everywhere. The one place that is actually clean is my bed just because I needed to sleep there last night. My car is still pretty trashed from being gone all weekend and what not. I need to shower, clean, do some damn homework, reorganize more shit than I care to think about and that doesn't include all the other odds and ends crap I have to do like pay bills, go grocery shopping, drop off film and go get tickets for homecoming. My cell phone needs to be charged and I haven't even unpacked my damn cord to crawl under the table and plug it in. I know where all of this unmotivation is coming from and that I think makes this even worse. I'm dreading tomorrow. And now I'm even dreading next weekend. I was excited about my weekend and it was great, more so than I can really find the words to write right now because I feel like such crap. It was a weekend that words can not do justice for and that my lack of motivation is completely ruining. I got away to gain new perspective to get reenergized and refocused. I got all of those but in a very weird way. I'm trying to find the motivation to fix up an apartment that is the residue of a broken relationship and massive f**king drama when my heart wants to just throw it all out the damn window and pack up my shit that actually means something anymore and get the hell out of here. How can I concentrate on shit right now. Especially shit like this when I have never had a harder time leaving somewhere than I did yesterday. It's been a long time since I ever actually teared up when saying goodbye but I don't think I've ever really continued to feel that goodbye 24 hours after it happened, I feel like I left a part of myself behind and then I come back here and it all floods over me and it sucks so damn bad.
A lot of you probably have no idea what I'm even talking about but if you really want more details you can probably ask me via AIM or something of that sort but in the meantime, I need another cup of coffee and more Kleenex. And Bridget would probably like it if I wasn't in my pj's when she got here. Maybe getting my film developed will help me to feel better. That and getting some damn motivation to start cleaning up this mess that of which has become my, and only my, apartment. A daunting task indeed. Thank you Pam especially for this weekend, you have no idea how happy it made me despite my feelings now that I'm back in Charleston. I love you sis and thank you!
A lot of you probably have no idea what I'm even talking about but if you really want more details you can probably ask me via AIM or something of that sort but in the meantime, I need another cup of coffee and more Kleenex. And Bridget would probably like it if I wasn't in my pj's when she got here. Maybe getting my film developed will help me to feel better. That and getting some damn motivation to start cleaning up this mess that of which has become my, and only my, apartment. A daunting task indeed. Thank you Pam especially for this weekend, you have no idea how happy it made me despite my feelings now that I'm back in Charleston. I love you sis and thank you!