The End of Reason Sale!! Soulmates at just $9.99!!!
I’d comfortably slipped into my 30s and had settled into my peaceful, no-surprise-filled, secure routine, and thought life was all good. As I was browsing through my mail one day, I saw one which read ‘You’re going to find your soulmate this year’. My interest piqued, I decided to open the email. It asked me to pay $9.99 if I wanted to know more. Ten dollars seemed too high a price to pay for a soulmate, so I deleted the email and thought nothing of it. Until two weeks later. I walked into a mall wanting to book a few slots for the kids in a play arena. I must put on record that I had no intention whatsoever of shopping. I’d put my cool shades on, which reduced my peripheral visibility more than blinkers ever possibly could, and marched straight ahead. I suddenly felt an inexplicable tug at my heart, and my face turned to the left out of its own volition. And there sitting pretty on a glass shelf, was the most beautiful sandal I had ever seen. I felt myself moving towards the display window and sensed that a larger force was at play. The next few minutes are blurry. I don’t remember much of what happened. I slipped my feet into the pair and the only thought that came to my mind was, “Damn! That email was right. I have indeed found my solemate!”Can you guess what the price of that shoe was? Rs. 678.57! 9.99 dollars, correct to the paisa!
My confidence in the astrology emails went up greatly after that. Who can blame me after all? The mail had got my future right, down to 2 decimal places. I eagerly awaited the next email. I heard the distant ringing of temple bells at dawn one day and heard a “ting” on my phone that seemed to resonate with the bells. I knew it had arrived. I opened my inbox, and sure enough, there it was, with an intriguing subject - “Is your chemistry strong enough?” I was offered a special discount this time - only $8 to find out if it indeed was. That evening, I promised to cook something special for my daughter. I decided to make some fried rice and cake for her. A few minutes into the cook, my nose detected something wrong. I rushed to the kitchen only to find the rice all mashed up together. I took a new batch of rice, and remembering an experiment from school, added one-eighth of a gram of salt to the rice. Voila! The rice was cooked perfectly. I thought the food needed a bit of acidity and added a bit of ethanoic acid* and was shocked to remember that it had 8 atoms! The cake needed an eighth of a gram of baking soda** to make it rise perfectly. At the end of the evening, the perfectly balanced meal cost me Rs. 543.40, or $8.00 to be 2-decimal-point-eerily-precise.
The third email arrived at my inbox precisely 4 weeks after I’d got the first one. This one said, “Break-up or make-up?” I marveled at how soon my soulmate and I were supposed to have broken up. Even my equally new pair of sandals stood me in better stead. This mail promised a free tarot card reading if I signed up for a year’s subscription at $20. I was driving to a café to meet a friend, with thoughts of these marvelous emails still in my mind, when an auto rickshaw suddenly swerved onto my path. I slammed on my brake as hard as I could and avoided hitting the vehicle. My head hit the steering wheel though, and I was left with a little scar on the forehead. I tried my best to cover it up using my concealer, and went to on to meet my friend. A lady sitting at the next table had cards drawn in front of her, and was teaching, what I presumed was an amateur tarot card reader, tricks of the trade. The brakes and my make-up surely saved face that day. And you know exactly how much my concealer cost, down to the paisa, don’t you?
I just got one that is titled, “Should you stay or go?” I know the answer to that one as I definitely have to go now. That’s a nine point nine nine dollar worth bio-break.
*vinegar, to the chemically uninitiated
** Sodium bicarbonate, to puff up your ego
My confidence in the astrology emails went up greatly after that. Who can blame me after all? The mail had got my future right, down to 2 decimal places. I eagerly awaited the next email. I heard the distant ringing of temple bells at dawn one day and heard a “ting” on my phone that seemed to resonate with the bells. I knew it had arrived. I opened my inbox, and sure enough, there it was, with an intriguing subject - “Is your chemistry strong enough?” I was offered a special discount this time - only $8 to find out if it indeed was. That evening, I promised to cook something special for my daughter. I decided to make some fried rice and cake for her. A few minutes into the cook, my nose detected something wrong. I rushed to the kitchen only to find the rice all mashed up together. I took a new batch of rice, and remembering an experiment from school, added one-eighth of a gram of salt to the rice. Voila! The rice was cooked perfectly. I thought the food needed a bit of acidity and added a bit of ethanoic acid* and was shocked to remember that it had 8 atoms! The cake needed an eighth of a gram of baking soda** to make it rise perfectly. At the end of the evening, the perfectly balanced meal cost me Rs. 543.40, or $8.00 to be 2-decimal-point-eerily-precise.
The third email arrived at my inbox precisely 4 weeks after I’d got the first one. This one said, “Break-up or make-up?” I marveled at how soon my soulmate and I were supposed to have broken up. Even my equally new pair of sandals stood me in better stead. This mail promised a free tarot card reading if I signed up for a year’s subscription at $20. I was driving to a café to meet a friend, with thoughts of these marvelous emails still in my mind, when an auto rickshaw suddenly swerved onto my path. I slammed on my brake as hard as I could and avoided hitting the vehicle. My head hit the steering wheel though, and I was left with a little scar on the forehead. I tried my best to cover it up using my concealer, and went to on to meet my friend. A lady sitting at the next table had cards drawn in front of her, and was teaching, what I presumed was an amateur tarot card reader, tricks of the trade. The brakes and my make-up surely saved face that day. And you know exactly how much my concealer cost, down to the paisa, don’t you?
I just got one that is titled, “Should you stay or go?” I know the answer to that one as I definitely have to go now. That’s a nine point nine nine dollar worth bio-break.
*vinegar, to the chemically uninitiated
** Sodium bicarbonate, to puff up your ego