(no subject)
I've got the everything-is-falling-apart feeling again, and I'm trying to hang on until tomorrow lunchtime, while also knowing that putting on too much pressure is more likely than anything else to cause the falling apart. I'm trying to monitor what's making me happy and what's making me sad, and all I've come up with is 'hugs = good' and 'angsting over everything = bad'. So when I come up with things to try that knock the ball into someone else's court, I feel happier for a while.
I will have to start making decisions soon, though- about who I want to be close to me in what ways. I want to explore my options for the ways things can be first, though.
I've also been thinking about the manner and structure of relationship that I want- I think that 'open' doesn't quite describe it. That implies that people come and go freely and casually all the time, and I don't think I want casual things. I want to build things that last in some form. I want to trust the people I'm with and the people that they're with, to have them be important to me and for me to be important to them. I want to have group dinners with everyone - the last time that that happened, it was wonderful, even if the relationship itself didn't last. Then it was a bit like a double-date, though. Hmm, ideas...
I am worried that there isn't going to be much left to salvage when the dust has cleared, but I can hope.
I will have to start making decisions soon, though- about who I want to be close to me in what ways. I want to explore my options for the ways things can be first, though.
I've also been thinking about the manner and structure of relationship that I want- I think that 'open' doesn't quite describe it. That implies that people come and go freely and casually all the time, and I don't think I want casual things. I want to build things that last in some form. I want to trust the people I'm with and the people that they're with, to have them be important to me and for me to be important to them. I want to have group dinners with everyone - the last time that that happened, it was wonderful, even if the relationship itself didn't last. Then it was a bit like a double-date, though. Hmm, ideas...
I am worried that there isn't going to be much left to salvage when the dust has cleared, but I can hope.