I was pretty crap at the doctor's today.
Culminating in an attack of no-words after getting asked a difficult question ('Yes, project-staying-alive refers to the effort required to not off myself and the actions/lack of actions involved' would have been the 'easy' answer...). So, I ended up staring at my toes and writing on a slip of paper for the rest of the appointment.
I also feel a bit crap for making the decision to not out myself as poly- doctor/patient relations when I'm out about being wierd (poly, bi, geeky, pagan, neuro-atypical) tend to devolve into 'this patient is saying that they're ill for attention, clearly' and getting fobbed off. I've got no choice about the last one because it's obvious to anyone who interacts with me significantly, and it might be relevant anyway, but as I really seriously need treatment for being suicidal before I trip on 'project staying alive', I'm just going to minimise/not be out about any of the rest of it. It sucks, but it's what I need to do.
I ended up getting an increase on my meds dosage after the 'actually, when I'm alone I'm quite often fighting an urge to kill myself while I have the 'opportunity' (which is why I keep myself in company whenever possible, because when I'm not bad I know that I really don't want that)'conversation, but she still wants me to try to Do Things when I'm alone and bad, and I'm going to need to think about how to work that in a way that's safe. (There was the 'do you hear what I'm saying, or do you not want to hear?' thing said while I was trying to articulate that she was missing an important part of my brain-puzzle, which was annoying in a condescending kind of way, but I can't really work out how to describe that?)
So, things I can do while alone and full of bad thoughts: The obvious one is dulcimer practice, though in practice I end up curled up on my bed with the distance to the place where it lives seeming far too far, so maybe having it within arm's reach of the bed would help? ...Or not. It feels like cheating.
I tend to find that 'don't get drunk', 'don't hurt myself', and 'don't die' is occaisionally too many goals (I only tend to fail at one of them at once), but I can see how having a positive 'do this' goal would be a good idea. 'Do some washing up' is often good. 'Pick out a tune and play through at least the notes in the right order.' 'Take a bath' possibly strays too close to 'unsafe', as does 'cook things on gas'. 'Order takeaway and eat it' would work, though. 'Make tea' is generally good, as is 'set a load of washing going'.
'Take a nap' is still allowed, though. So is 'make plans to stop being alone and instead play dominion with someone I like spending time with', though again, it sounds like cheating because I'm supposed to be learning how to be alone safely? Right now I have another human here also on her laptop, and so I am not alone. It is effort to not go upstairs and curl up rather than sit and finish writing this, though.