Annoying:
Taking my meds a few hours late yesterday, waking up in a downswing and slowly winching back up, maybe, knowing the whole time that it's my own stupid fault that I feel like this today.
Well, my own stupid fault combined with winter = cold/dark/...whatever.
But losing most of a day (and maybe an entire day, I'm not out of bed yet, though Alex has been kind enough to bring me a cup of tea) because I took my meds late? Is really, really annoying.
Actually, it's really fucking scary how much of a difference stuff like this makes to how I feel about even being alive. I was going to sign off with 'But, you know, 'luckily' I'm still alive' before deleting it as a stupid thing to say that would just make people I care about worry, but actually, it does scare me, quite a lot, and there isn't even anything I can do about it because my doctor just keeps wanting to wait and see what happens rather than actually helping me. I feel like a mouse in an maze experiment wanting to find the needlessly complicated series of steps that sets me free, but I'm so tired and can hardly think straight about this anymore, and I just get bits of cheese every so often to make me think I'm going right but it might just be a trick or a lie.