Unhappiness is a state of mind
However, I don't believe one can just decide to be happy. I believe happiness is a by-product, side effect, of right choices.
And I am not making right choices.
Now, that's not to say that one could be making right choices and still have undesired outcomes -- I can envision lots of situations where that is true.
I am almost 50, and I've totally lost sight of some of my critical "to 50 and beyond" goals. I was going to lose 50 pounds. I did, and gained it all back again too. Now I have so much joint pain I can barely walk a couple blocks. Both these issues have affected my life in multiple negative ways, making it hard to do fun things (can't go too far or two long), hard to enjoy even some simple things (a walk with the dogs), and easy to give up on other things (it'll just hurt to do the laundry). Then all that saps my creativity, and I don't write or work on any artful projects.
And so I feel unhappy. But there are [at least] two wrong choices here: doing nothing about losing weight and/or exercising, and focusing on this one issue as a measure of my success or failure.
So it's time to re-set my terms of engagement with life. Things just have to be different or '50 and beyond' is not going to look like anything I enjoy envisioning.
There is an additional piece of wrong thinking in my head though. My beloved and I had organized a lot of our 'to 50 and beyond' thinking around the idea that we might get a piece of land, be able to raise goats, chickens, and have a big garden. Now we have pretty much decided to stay in this house at a minimum 15 more years. I think I failed to adjust my "life goals" accordingly. So when I started gaining weight again, and no longer had the big pseudo-self-sufficiency goal to look at, I just got depressed instead of doing something about it.
See, the whole farm/land/raise your own whatever goal might be a red herring. (I love that term.) It allowed me not to put so much focus on art and writing. I still find myself a little reluctant to tap the creative well, to really put myself out there. I blame it on shyness, lack of time, being over-burdened with my kid's needs, too much work, too much undone housework, and other more important goals. But what is more important than the creative, generative process? (Oh, ok, love is more important.)
I couldn't love my partner and our dear little home any more than I already do -- at least where feelings are concerned. Our big catastrophe remodel is almost over. We (will) have new floors (easier to clean), pretty walls, gorgeous tile and paint colors, a fancy Euro stove, an amazing therapeutic hot tub. My last child is almost grown, and we are doing better now in terms of getting help for him than ever before. My recent job change has me coding & testing, along with writing new material (not so much maintenance, yay!). I'll be learning Java formally this spring.
There's nothing at all wrong with where I am right now, or with staying here for an indefinite amount of time!
Next year, or the year after, is soon enough for any attempts at outdoor gardening, container or raised bed or otherwise. This winter, I could start making cheese at home. I can learn to make bath salts -- my herbs are big enough now. When I get done making Christmas presents, I'll have done a significant amount of lace/pattern work with my yarn, and I can make an artsy pillow with my funky multi-color yarn -- that gives me some time to think of a creative twist or some way to blend some of "us" into the project.
I really can have it all ...
And I am not making right choices.
Now, that's not to say that one could be making right choices and still have undesired outcomes -- I can envision lots of situations where that is true.
I am almost 50, and I've totally lost sight of some of my critical "to 50 and beyond" goals. I was going to lose 50 pounds. I did, and gained it all back again too. Now I have so much joint pain I can barely walk a couple blocks. Both these issues have affected my life in multiple negative ways, making it hard to do fun things (can't go too far or two long), hard to enjoy even some simple things (a walk with the dogs), and easy to give up on other things (it'll just hurt to do the laundry). Then all that saps my creativity, and I don't write or work on any artful projects.
And so I feel unhappy. But there are [at least] two wrong choices here: doing nothing about losing weight and/or exercising, and focusing on this one issue as a measure of my success or failure.
So it's time to re-set my terms of engagement with life. Things just have to be different or '50 and beyond' is not going to look like anything I enjoy envisioning.
- Remember the Alamo! the things that I have accomplished: knitting lace & cables now, have made many socks & amigurumis, leveled several WoW toons past 50, working hard on Youngest Son coming home, become financially stable, started an indoor herb garden, am cooking more at home (if not as much as I'd like) now that we have the new kitchen, put lots of energy into creative redesign of the kitchen and bathroom, now focusing on getting porch done and minor changes to the bedroom, have put tons of energy into learning new things at work, learned to ride a scooter ...
- Stop eating salty/fatty foods.
- Continue to cook & eat at home. We haz dishwasher now, and absolutely gorgeous high-end pots & stove, and fun new dishes to use in our fun new kitchen. No excuses.
- Take vitamins regularly.
- Do.pain <-- heh heh that's MY version of the do.groove campaign my health insurance company has been sponsoring. Yea, so, ok, it hurts some to walk. [My 72-yr old mother is walking 2 miles in a Thanksgiving Turkey Trot, and I can't walk 2 blocks? This must change!] I can walk the dogs, walk with my son, walk to the bus, walk outside or in the skyway at work.
- Do.yoga <-- I like yoga and tai chi. When I do them, I enjoy it very much. I can do yoga with the Wii and it's fun. Like a game. Really.
- Do.journal or some other kind of writing on a regular basis.
There is an additional piece of wrong thinking in my head though. My beloved and I had organized a lot of our 'to 50 and beyond' thinking around the idea that we might get a piece of land, be able to raise goats, chickens, and have a big garden. Now we have pretty much decided to stay in this house at a minimum 15 more years. I think I failed to adjust my "life goals" accordingly. So when I started gaining weight again, and no longer had the big pseudo-self-sufficiency goal to look at, I just got depressed instead of doing something about it.
See, the whole farm/land/raise your own whatever goal might be a red herring. (I love that term.) It allowed me not to put so much focus on art and writing. I still find myself a little reluctant to tap the creative well, to really put myself out there. I blame it on shyness, lack of time, being over-burdened with my kid's needs, too much work, too much undone housework, and other more important goals. But what is more important than the creative, generative process? (Oh, ok, love is more important.)
I couldn't love my partner and our dear little home any more than I already do -- at least where feelings are concerned. Our big catastrophe remodel is almost over. We (will) have new floors (easier to clean), pretty walls, gorgeous tile and paint colors, a fancy Euro stove, an amazing therapeutic hot tub. My last child is almost grown, and we are doing better now in terms of getting help for him than ever before. My recent job change has me coding & testing, along with writing new material (not so much maintenance, yay!). I'll be learning Java formally this spring.
There's nothing at all wrong with where I am right now, or with staying here for an indefinite amount of time!
Next year, or the year after, is soon enough for any attempts at outdoor gardening, container or raised bed or otherwise. This winter, I could start making cheese at home. I can learn to make bath salts -- my herbs are big enough now. When I get done making Christmas presents, I'll have done a significant amount of lace/pattern work with my yarn, and I can make an artsy pillow with my funky multi-color yarn -- that gives me some time to think of a creative twist or some way to blend some of "us" into the project.
I really can have it all ...