I'm living in a nightmare station.
Lucky day for you, journal-- I have a lot to rant about.
To start things off, I'm totally broke. Not that this is a new thing, but... I don't know. I'm frustrated with myself these days. I'm broke, mooching off my mom, a drop-out, possibly an alcoholic (just like everyone else in my family), and my impairment (broken ankle) is keeping me from getting a job.
It's not the only thing keeping me from getting a job, though... because I think I'm just inherently unhireable. Pierced, fat, shaved head, no experience, drop out, no references, clearly unwealthy... Who wants to hire that? Absofuckinlutely nobody, let me TELL you... what's the point of giving somebody a resume that's more incriminating than illuminating?? I wish I could just have five minutes to talk to them and convince them, show them who I really am, instead of being judged on a piece of fucking paper and my material achievements.
So yes, I'm having trouble getting a job, and the ankle thing has put it all on hiatus. I desperately want to move out and be far away from my mom (I promised I'd be out by the end of July!! ARGH). I can't move in with Motekye until I get a job, can't get a job until my ankle's fixed... Can't get a job anyways because I'm fucking repulsive to all those superficial, stuffy old fucks behind the counter... not to mention my only job prospect right now pays a whopping $8.00 an hour. That's not nearly enough to move out on.
Of course, everyone I mention that to tells me I should find a better job... yeah, right, well, let me get back to you on that one when I find a place that even gives me a second look.
And naturally my lack of money leads to other complications... Enter Shambhala. It's a huge, um, "music festival" out in the Kootenays (on a ranch outside of Salmo, to be specific). Well, since June I'd been planning to go with Megan and Gillian. I was not going to go because I couldn't afford it, but Gilly and Megan offered to split on my ticket as my birthday present, so I decided to go.
Theeen... Gillian decided she couldn't go. She couldn't afford to pay gas, food, ticket AND my ticket. So, she dropped out of it. Since I didn't have someone to pay for my ticket now I couldn't go either, so I figured I'd go to Scumbala (a free punk festival held at the same time in the same area) instead. Well, THEN Gillian turned around, bought a ticket and tomorrow morning she and Megan are off to Shambhala... without me. Great. Thanks guys.
Furthermore, Motekye's not going to come with me to Scumbala and Chelsea may be bailing out as well. That leaves Tristen and myself with no boot-- and Tristen's only a MAYBE! Great! And to add insult to injury... Motekye figured since he decided not to go, I might do the same-- just so I could see him. So he's told me that if I don't go, he's not going to see me anyways, figuring it'll force me to go. So if Tristen and I don't go, I don't get to see Megan, Gillian OR my boyfriend, AND I miss BOTH Shambhala AND Scumbala.
Therefore: This weekend is going to suck, no matter what happens. I get frustrated just thinking about it. I get more frustrated thinking about what WILL happen. Best case scenario? Tristen and I go together, get drunk and mosh for a weekend in the Kootenays. You wanna know why this best case scenario BLOWS?
Because:
1) I can't even hit on any of the hot punks.
2) Scumbala is MOSTLY just bands from Vancouver that I could see elsewhere.
3) I'm goddamn SICK of drinking.
I never thought it'd happen but I'm sick and tired of getting drunk every weekend. I'd much rather do something other than drink, mostly because my tolerance has skyrocketed and I hardly get drunk off a mickey... and even so I'm managing to down an average of three mickeys a week (for those who don't know: a mickey is Canadian slang for 12 ounces of alcohol... in my case, vodka). It just isn't fun anymore.
So yeah, my dilemma: I still like going to parties and shows on the weekend, but I can't imagine them being too much fun sober. And by that, I mean, parties and shows are about 1/8th as good sober as they are drunk. Do I go and be sober, and try to enjoy myself, or do I go and drink, even though I don't really want to?
Furthermore, why am I discussing this on the internet, where everyone can sit and read about my rampant alcoholism socially unacceptable problems?
... ga ghaep ga Alasznash I wpuox ez tmiow E.
I leave you with some appropriate song lyrics.
"Drink!
Drink!
Drink!
Drink!
Don't think, drink!
Drive, kill!
Get drunk a lot and work 40 hours a week.
Spend half your time hung-over, sick and weak.
Make sure to tell yourself that this is cool.
And make sure to tell yourself that you have no choice.
And make sure to tell your friends that they drive you to it.
And that you can quit any time that you want, any time.
You can quit any time that you want.
You can quit any time.
You can quit any time.
Any time."
-Excerpt from 'Drinking & Driving' by Black Flag.
To start things off, I'm totally broke. Not that this is a new thing, but... I don't know. I'm frustrated with myself these days. I'm broke, mooching off my mom, a drop-out, possibly an alcoholic (just like everyone else in my family), and my impairment (broken ankle) is keeping me from getting a job.
It's not the only thing keeping me from getting a job, though... because I think I'm just inherently unhireable. Pierced, fat, shaved head, no experience, drop out, no references, clearly unwealthy... Who wants to hire that? Absofuckinlutely nobody, let me TELL you... what's the point of giving somebody a resume that's more incriminating than illuminating?? I wish I could just have five minutes to talk to them and convince them, show them who I really am, instead of being judged on a piece of fucking paper and my material achievements.
So yes, I'm having trouble getting a job, and the ankle thing has put it all on hiatus. I desperately want to move out and be far away from my mom (I promised I'd be out by the end of July!! ARGH). I can't move in with Motekye until I get a job, can't get a job until my ankle's fixed... Can't get a job anyways because I'm fucking repulsive to all those superficial, stuffy old fucks behind the counter... not to mention my only job prospect right now pays a whopping $8.00 an hour. That's not nearly enough to move out on.
Of course, everyone I mention that to tells me I should find a better job... yeah, right, well, let me get back to you on that one when I find a place that even gives me a second look.
And naturally my lack of money leads to other complications... Enter Shambhala. It's a huge, um, "music festival" out in the Kootenays (on a ranch outside of Salmo, to be specific). Well, since June I'd been planning to go with Megan and Gillian. I was not going to go because I couldn't afford it, but Gilly and Megan offered to split on my ticket as my birthday present, so I decided to go.
Theeen... Gillian decided she couldn't go. She couldn't afford to pay gas, food, ticket AND my ticket. So, she dropped out of it. Since I didn't have someone to pay for my ticket now I couldn't go either, so I figured I'd go to Scumbala (a free punk festival held at the same time in the same area) instead. Well, THEN Gillian turned around, bought a ticket and tomorrow morning she and Megan are off to Shambhala... without me. Great. Thanks guys.
Furthermore, Motekye's not going to come with me to Scumbala and Chelsea may be bailing out as well. That leaves Tristen and myself with no boot-- and Tristen's only a MAYBE! Great! And to add insult to injury... Motekye figured since he decided not to go, I might do the same-- just so I could see him. So he's told me that if I don't go, he's not going to see me anyways, figuring it'll force me to go. So if Tristen and I don't go, I don't get to see Megan, Gillian OR my boyfriend, AND I miss BOTH Shambhala AND Scumbala.
Therefore: This weekend is going to suck, no matter what happens. I get frustrated just thinking about it. I get more frustrated thinking about what WILL happen. Best case scenario? Tristen and I go together, get drunk and mosh for a weekend in the Kootenays. You wanna know why this best case scenario BLOWS?
Because:
1) I can't even hit on any of the hot punks.
2) Scumbala is MOSTLY just bands from Vancouver that I could see elsewhere.
3) I'm goddamn SICK of drinking.
I never thought it'd happen but I'm sick and tired of getting drunk every weekend. I'd much rather do something other than drink, mostly because my tolerance has skyrocketed and I hardly get drunk off a mickey... and even so I'm managing to down an average of three mickeys a week (for those who don't know: a mickey is Canadian slang for 12 ounces of alcohol... in my case, vodka). It just isn't fun anymore.
So yeah, my dilemma: I still like going to parties and shows on the weekend, but I can't imagine them being too much fun sober. And by that, I mean, parties and shows are about 1/8th as good sober as they are drunk. Do I go and be sober, and try to enjoy myself, or do I go and drink, even though I don't really want to?
Furthermore, why am I discussing this on the internet, where everyone can sit and read about my rampant alcoholism socially unacceptable problems?
... ga ghaep ga Alasznash I wpuox ez tmiow E.
I leave you with some appropriate song lyrics.
"Drink!
Drink!
Drink!
Drink!
Don't think, drink!
Drive, kill!
Get drunk a lot and work 40 hours a week.
Spend half your time hung-over, sick and weak.
Make sure to tell yourself that this is cool.
And make sure to tell yourself that you have no choice.
And make sure to tell your friends that they drive you to it.
And that you can quit any time that you want, any time.
You can quit any time that you want.
You can quit any time.
You can quit any time.
Any time."
-Excerpt from 'Drinking & Driving' by Black Flag.