melancholia
of course this is not a new topic for me in any way. not only have i been living with it since i left the womb (i assume since i do not have any direct memory of this, i feel it in all of my will), i have also either used it as a topic or had it as an underlying topic for everything and anything that i've ever written and created otherwise.
but this time i come to it with a different color. for every loss, there is something gained. or so i hope. i mean, everything in my life has changed recently or is soon to change. change is terrifying to me. i can hardly deal with the reality that i know. a reality that i do not know makes me not want to even get to it. recently broken up with, with my job situation in constant flux, on the verge of completing a major task of which i have been anxious about for a year, looking to start a new path of applying to grad schools, moving to a new place, looking towards a future of living by myself for the first time in my life, having my only family member near me and best friend moving across the country....i don't think i've ever been so stressed out. how am i gonna handle this? i guess i've come to the realization that everything works out and that's for one reason (please pardon my very direction structuralism here, i'm trying to be strategic): when something ends, something new begins.
so, maybe my living situation will do me good. maybe all the problems i've had with living situations in the past will go away and everything will be perfect (or maybe there will be a whole new set of problems and i will go insane, BUT i will learn to deal). maybe i'll do fine on my exam and get into schools that i really want to. maybe my relationship will work out. and maybe while i'm working on it working out, maybe i'll make a really good friend out of it. maybe S will do great in ny and i can go visit him soon and we can meet again in another city one day and become best friends again (like it's happened our entire lives).
i don't know any of this. all i know is that there's no way out. because i've already promised that to myself and to other people. that's a promise i'm not willing to break. so, here we go. i'm gonna deal with it.
but this time i come to it with a different color. for every loss, there is something gained. or so i hope. i mean, everything in my life has changed recently or is soon to change. change is terrifying to me. i can hardly deal with the reality that i know. a reality that i do not know makes me not want to even get to it. recently broken up with, with my job situation in constant flux, on the verge of completing a major task of which i have been anxious about for a year, looking to start a new path of applying to grad schools, moving to a new place, looking towards a future of living by myself for the first time in my life, having my only family member near me and best friend moving across the country....i don't think i've ever been so stressed out. how am i gonna handle this? i guess i've come to the realization that everything works out and that's for one reason (please pardon my very direction structuralism here, i'm trying to be strategic): when something ends, something new begins.
so, maybe my living situation will do me good. maybe all the problems i've had with living situations in the past will go away and everything will be perfect (or maybe there will be a whole new set of problems and i will go insane, BUT i will learn to deal). maybe i'll do fine on my exam and get into schools that i really want to. maybe my relationship will work out. and maybe while i'm working on it working out, maybe i'll make a really good friend out of it. maybe S will do great in ny and i can go visit him soon and we can meet again in another city one day and become best friends again (like it's happened our entire lives).
i don't know any of this. all i know is that there's no way out. because i've already promised that to myself and to other people. that's a promise i'm not willing to break. so, here we go. i'm gonna deal with it.