Underinflated ego
I've had a few weeks off from school, now. In between semesters. I'm still going to SWC, but I've applied to SDSU. That's about as much ambition as I can summon.
Really, if I could just move in with someone, pay some of the rent, and cuddle whenever we both had some time off, I'd be happy with that life.
Is it a generational thing? I don't feel the need to improve the world, invent some labor-saving device, go to war on the front lines, run for president, become a doctor, or anything. I got nothin'. Other people in my generation, whatever that is, don't seem to be similarly affected, despite the reports of newspapers and magazines calling it a lazy, unkempt generation. It's probably just me. I don't aspire to anything 'cause I really can't do them.
At the rate I'm going, I can't even be part of the work force. I panic whenever anything is demanded of me, whenever any criticism is thrown my way. Unless I were a stunningly absolutely perfect. brown-nosing employee, there's no way I could avoid it. I lost all my previous jobs 'cause I just couldn't do it anymore. Couldn't write the code...or just couldn't show up. Couldn't get myself out of bed. Couldn't deal with the boss anymore.
And, apparently, I can't get to bed before midnight anymore.
I remember it hitting me one day, this thought that everyone is superior to me. I was walking home from school, and this thought smothered me. Without specifying any particular quality, I just felt like the worst human being. I felt like I was sinking into the sidewalk, or growing smaller with each step. I can't shake that feeling.
I bet Erica wishes I'd post something positive here once in a while. So do I, so do I. That'd mean I was getting well. Sadly, when I look back at the handful of upbeat posts, they seem stupid. When I'm doing anything other than trying hard not to exist, I leave behind a moronic legacy. So I don't apply myself anymore.