De
Defriended Hadas.
Got defriended back.
I'm... Not sorry. Not sad, either. It was only the infestation of something that came to terms some time ago.
Made me think, though. Made me think of Hagar and Mel. I've already written about this, but it's not going away any time soon.
I didn't see it coming, then. I had no idea that it was the end, and what it would do to us. To me. I didn't think I'd have to have two separate b-day parties because some of my friends won't talk to, or won't stay in the same room with, my best friend.
I had no idea I'd have to defend my best friend in front of my other friends.
I had no idea that bringing up something I did the day before would cause awkward silences, and even though everyone says they'll be "fine" with whomever the shit it is to come, it's not.
And it never will be.
I grew to live with it. It's a part of my way of thinking, now. "I'm spending the day with Mel, can't talk to Hagar to meet us for lunch" and stuff like that.
I've been reading "In Four Eyes" for the past couple of days. Saturday night, Hagar and I sat at my living room, the TV on music and we were both reading, and the mental silence was great, and I thought about how we said we would live together, and how Mel and I said the same thing sometimes, and it just won't work.
It's strange. I can't call this thing I'm feeling "pain". I can't name it, anymore. i look at my life, since I met Hagar at that class (plant physio?) and that day in Passover 2005 at Nurit's old house, and then the race of people that came and went, Roy and Varda and Sofi, and then, with the littlest of strings that were left attached - Asaf.
And Hadas.
It's not the same. I only knew Hadas for a few months, not even a year, I think. My family doesn't realize where she went and why I'm not speaking to her anymore (my family not understanding a lot of things about my friends has already caused me some trouble, especially with the whole Efrat thing), and, this... Breaking and remaking some things, just...
I think I'm angry.
There's been so much talk over the past three years about hurt, and betrayal, and pain and trauma, but I am angry.
Yes, of course. "Hope on Fire" - "Something's bending to break/It's just a matter of when".
There's.... There's more to it than that.
And then there's "Shasta": "You've got half-formed sentences/Explanations for a life half-broken away."
I'm going to have to start explaining it to myself better, I think. I need to see why this came to me, and why now (Equinox, yes, but still).
Got defriended back.
I'm... Not sorry. Not sad, either. It was only the infestation of something that came to terms some time ago.
Made me think, though. Made me think of Hagar and Mel. I've already written about this, but it's not going away any time soon.
I didn't see it coming, then. I had no idea that it was the end, and what it would do to us. To me. I didn't think I'd have to have two separate b-day parties because some of my friends won't talk to, or won't stay in the same room with, my best friend.
I had no idea I'd have to defend my best friend in front of my other friends.
I had no idea that bringing up something I did the day before would cause awkward silences, and even though everyone says they'll be "fine" with whomever the shit it is to come, it's not.
And it never will be.
I grew to live with it. It's a part of my way of thinking, now. "I'm spending the day with Mel, can't talk to Hagar to meet us for lunch" and stuff like that.
I've been reading "In Four Eyes" for the past couple of days. Saturday night, Hagar and I sat at my living room, the TV on music and we were both reading, and the mental silence was great, and I thought about how we said we would live together, and how Mel and I said the same thing sometimes, and it just won't work.
It's strange. I can't call this thing I'm feeling "pain". I can't name it, anymore. i look at my life, since I met Hagar at that class (plant physio?) and that day in Passover 2005 at Nurit's old house, and then the race of people that came and went, Roy and Varda and Sofi, and then, with the littlest of strings that were left attached - Asaf.
And Hadas.
It's not the same. I only knew Hadas for a few months, not even a year, I think. My family doesn't realize where she went and why I'm not speaking to her anymore (my family not understanding a lot of things about my friends has already caused me some trouble, especially with the whole Efrat thing), and, this... Breaking and remaking some things, just...
I think I'm angry.
There's been so much talk over the past three years about hurt, and betrayal, and pain and trauma, but I am angry.
Yes, of course. "Hope on Fire" - "Something's bending to break/It's just a matter of when".
There's.... There's more to it than that.
And then there's "Shasta": "You've got half-formed sentences/Explanations for a life half-broken away."
I'm going to have to start explaining it to myself better, I think. I need to see why this came to me, and why now (Equinox, yes, but still).