(no subject)
Note to self - finger-painting on a 70*100 canvas is fun!
It's been a year since this post.
I've dreamed about her last night again, dreaming again we made up. Actually, it's not a question of making up, it would have been me folding to the pressure I feel inside, the voice that says "she's your best friend, what the fuck?!", and the times we had, and that feeling I'll never have that again, this complete loyalty, the first place, the ability to ask her anything, and still, still.
Still, the fights, and the drama, and listening to her guy talk, and her ignorance to a huge part of who I am, and she hated to hear me sing, and she hated Tori Amos, and made me feel small and not meaningfull, and her distregard for how I felt about so many things she did.
So much anger, and dissapointement, for her not understanding that I needed her to change with me, to accept me as an adult, that I didn't need to dress exactly as the fashion stated because low-cut jeans look like crap on me, and on her but I never told her that Her obsession with what people think, and I don't give a shit about what people say about me if I don't like them, and will she stop making me feel guilty for developing, and for socializing. Being offended by every little word I say, gosh, and the past, and the future of who I wanted us to be.
And nothing stayed, and I kept my mouth shut, and talked about her so much I'm boring myself even, and you guys much more, and still, again, I wanted more from my "best friend" and I ended up with no one to really answer this definition, even though I love so many people to death, but I still don't have anyone on my phone saying I'm sad and s/he'll come and get me somewhere else, and sometimes I'm fucking sick of driving and I want to drink and not having to drive or take a cab, and it's not even the point.
Deep breath.
Also, with no connection at all - had a trip in TA today - got to Nahlat Binyamin and bought a sweet pair earrings. Walked over to Neve Zedek (beautiful part of the city) but didn't do much. All in all, I mostly enjoyed the sun and fresh air, and by the time I got back home the maid was gone.
Good.
I think my paint is dry, so on to second lair.
It's been a year since this post.
I've dreamed about her last night again, dreaming again we made up. Actually, it's not a question of making up, it would have been me folding to the pressure I feel inside, the voice that says "she's your best friend, what the fuck?!", and the times we had, and that feeling I'll never have that again, this complete loyalty, the first place, the ability to ask her anything, and still, still.
Still, the fights, and the drama, and listening to her guy talk, and her ignorance to a huge part of who I am, and she hated to hear me sing, and she hated Tori Amos, and made me feel small and not meaningfull, and her distregard for how I felt about so many things she did.
So much anger, and dissapointement, for her not understanding that I needed her to change with me, to accept me as an adult, that I didn't need to dress exactly as the fashion stated because low-cut jeans look like crap on me, and on her but I never told her that Her obsession with what people think, and I don't give a shit about what people say about me if I don't like them, and will she stop making me feel guilty for developing, and for socializing. Being offended by every little word I say, gosh, and the past, and the future of who I wanted us to be.
And nothing stayed, and I kept my mouth shut, and talked about her so much I'm boring myself even, and you guys much more, and still, again, I wanted more from my "best friend" and I ended up with no one to really answer this definition, even though I love so many people to death, but I still don't have anyone on my phone saying I'm sad and s/he'll come and get me somewhere else, and sometimes I'm fucking sick of driving and I want to drink and not having to drive or take a cab, and it's not even the point.
Deep breath.
Also, with no connection at all - had a trip in TA today - got to Nahlat Binyamin and bought a sweet pair earrings. Walked over to Neve Zedek (beautiful part of the city) but didn't do much. All in all, I mostly enjoyed the sun and fresh air, and by the time I got back home the maid was gone.
Good.
I think my paint is dry, so on to second lair.