Movie Review; Shogun's Ninja; Part Two; Request
It's time for the thrilling conclusion to Shogun's Ninja. If you haven't read part one, go do that here. It's benificial and will make your life complete. Trust me.
Movie Review - 忍者武芸帳 百地三太夫 - Shogun's Ninja
When last we left our heroes, young Johnny's Entertainent stud Takamaru had just jumped off of the roof of a palace into about a foot of water, to his most certain death. Ugly fake Chinese bimbo Airen had somehow hitched a log heading for Kyoto. Takamaru's one true love, Otsu, singer of Kra, had acted like a flute-playing idiot and run off into the woods after her brother, master-ninja-turned-sort-of-douchey-lecturer, Hattori Hanzo, made fun of her for securing the SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME TREASURE-GIVING SWORD OF THE MOMOCHI CLAN for them. Also, all of Takamaru's friends had been captured by the evil betrayer, Shiranui Shogen and his two highly trained but frankly kind of shitty ninja bodyguards.
Isn't it amazing how history just comes alive?
So anyway, Shaolin daughter Airen just comes waltzing into Kyoto exactly as Takamaru had done at the beginning of the movie, standing out like a sore and annoying thumb amongst Japan's meta-perception of its own default background people.
How they are getting from China to Kyoto so easily is beyond me, but then again, I am not a ninja, nor am I a practitioner of the "Stereotypical Chinese Clothing Arts", Hanfuo Maiwang. Jutsu.
Apparently there is only one singular road in the former capital, for Airen finds herself in front of a freshly-displayed sign once more issued by the Police Force of Kyoto, proclaiming to all that the thief from the sign a few days ago, Ishikawa Goemon, is to be boiled to death on the bank of the Sanjo River. Wanting to take in the sights, with nothing else to do in a foreign country except somehow read their signs to go view public executions, Airen happily sets out with her new travel itinerary.
People are literally running to the coastline as soon as they hear the water begin to boil, once again proving that this historic era was sweet as hell, and I should have been there.
Several epic shots are vomited across the screen, and Shogen of the Many Jobs gives the executioners the go-ahead. The three prisoners are forced onto the plank above the boiling liquid. Otsu, Gosuke's crazy wife, and a scattering of a few others watch in horror. Suddenly, Gosuke runs in, fighting his way through a number of useless armed guards and wrestling his three friends from their captivity to stand on the plank and declare himself the only and true Ishikawa Goemon. He then leaps into the boiling pot. Emotions run high.
The sole hot (albeit crazy) girl in the whole film then jumps the barrier, screeching as she does best, knocking several guards out of her way with surprising and unlikely force. Disheveled, she is subsequently cut down and dies in that beautiful way that all Japanese women do: hands over her head, she spins a pretty turn and crumples to the ground like a falling flower, spasming in disbelief for several seconds, before laying still, covered in delicious Heinz brand tomato ketchup.
And now Yodo becomes the attractive one.
Suddenly, the camera is rising slightly for a view of the grisly scene from the river. If you guessed that it was Takamaru, who has swam away from his fall all the way down the same river to the exact shore of the execution, arriving at precisely the right time and emerging slightly to look on in anger with a knife in his mouth like it was the greatest Metal Gear Solid game ever, set in the motherfucking Sengoku period, then you are damn right and just as excited and confused as I am, holy shit.
The peasants are made to sit and be inspected, and the wierdest effect, like something was being jostled forward right below the preciously fake ground, causes Takamaru to dramatically lower his head back under the water. Shogen calculates, then instructs the men to kill the other Goemon prisoners. Takamaru bursts from the water, once more sans shirt, and a skittering, comical Looney Tunes-esque melody reflects the seriousness of the situation, as the cue is taken for the rest of their allies to throw the smoke capsules as they set their friends free. Riflemen and archers fire uselessly at the group as Airen appears out of nowhere (seriously, when they were inspecting people, she'd be number one on my list for a free hot bath), and yells to everyone in not-Chinese that it is her friend Taka! Well thanks, bitch. Way to further endanger his life. At least this time her stupidity is not mirrored by the "Oopsie Daisies" face.
Shogen and Takamaru, despite being mere inches away, stare each other down. The Spider Clan burst from the ground in an obvious way, and more hokey battling ensues. Guys fight off a multitude of arrows with a katana, and Otsu gets scared and runs away. All of the Spiders, including Yatoji, as well as Ishibe (whose assholery early in the film cost him a death scene as he was cut away from in favour of Yatoji) are all killed. Airen stares in upset horror, despite knowing NOT A DAMN ONE of them.
One of the peasants is killed in the crossfire, and the other townspeople get mad and start throwing rocks. Shogen has them all shot in a glorious way that looks as if tomatoes are being launched at their chests. Hanzo and Otsu show up on horses, and hit aimlessly at the crowd of officers. Shogen now has a stare-off with Hanzo and curses his name in the best possible way. Hanzo destroys the barricades, and the remaining peasants trample over the body of Gosuke's wife to get into the fray. I didn't know defenseless townsfolk were so bold. They open fire again and kill a number of them, including another of Takamaru's friends. The surviving Momochi dive into the river and retreat. That river is so helpful.
Takamaru returns that evening to survey the carnage.
He starts a fire and begins punching his fist in anger. His friends sob and punch the ground as well.
Alright, you guys, here is where I give up.
I honestly cannot fathom how to describe this scene. There are no words to convey the horror and utterly bizarre goings-on at this point. There is nothing. But I'll try.
Takamaru starts dancing.
No, really dancing.
Dancing. Dancing with spins and turns and jazz-hands and clapping at key moments. Para para. Jumps and fingers pointing out the beat. Wide, Isadora Duncan interpretive dance.
The music... imagine 80's synth pop, something like Jamiroquai. Stir in some 70's funk. Tribal beats, elevator music all rolled into one. Final Fantasy travel music. All of that, all happening at once. It doesn't stop and there is no rhyme or reason to it.
All the while staring longingly at engraved logs burning in the fire and crying at the memory of his brethren. Shirtless.
Karate moves. Martial arts. Cartwheels. Jumping over the fire and posing. While his friends sit right by him and bang the ground, somehow not noticing the exceedingly gay interpretive dance unfolding right before them.
He then grabs two logs which happen to be burning on only one end and uses them as a part of the dancing.
Airen shows up, crying. Airen and I share emotions of shock and horror and severe discomfort.
And then it is over.
There is nothing that I could possibly say in attempt to analyze what I've just written, be witty, or make any sort of conclusion to that scene. The film leaves it at that and moves on, and so shall we.
The group stands before the charred remains of the former Momochi palace. Otsu plays the same song on the flute from earlier. Takamaru falls to the ground, cursing his own weakness. He remembers his mother as she died, and he cries again, clutching some dirt.
Soon, they notice a terribly old, Biblical-looking man holding a staff atop a cliff, watching them. As is the rule in this film when there happens to be a cliff, the man jumps off with the tried-and-true whirlwind noise, and everyone looks at him in surprise, happy recognition, or horror. I really can't tell. The ancient man runs up to them. Very quickly for an ancient old man.
He tells Takamaru to stop being a crybaby and use his anger to get revenge.
I totally love mystical old dudes, this is going to end up great. I have no idea what this movie is right now.
Takamaru uses this opportunity to inquire as to how the old man knows him, standing there with his enormously gaudy inscribed sword sticking out of his obi in the most obvious way. The old man says he would know that tanto anywhere. From a mile away, I'm sure.
The old man introduces himself as Ozawa Hakubunsai, but I am going to call him Moses.
Look at this guy. The only thing that could ever stop that man would be a bolt of lightning sent by Zeus himself.
He tells the group that he is going to train them to rid them of their sissy attitudes.
The painfully sissy opening song rears its head once more, the soft pop sounds overlaying shots of the mountains as an extended training montage rolls on by. Takamaru has a shirt on at last, but no pants. I'm warning you all now that the next movie I review is going to include some hot naked chicks, because my image of the demonic Sanada Hiroyuki has forever been shattered.
The old man beats people with his cane, and Otsu picks flowers. Takamaru does tricks on a trapeze, and his friends comically muddle their training excersizes up as Takamaru shows off his bizarre skills pertaining to push-ups and wood-chopping. Eventually, the comedic muddling stretches to friend Kawajiro attempting to trapeze, and falling off of a cliff. Yep, right off the cliff in the middle of the forest, down some rocks, and into the sea.
Takamaru begs to go help, but Moses expounds several meaningful metaphors and tells him that Kawajiro must get back up the side of the spontaneously-forming forest cliff on his own. I don't know how Kawajiro is expected to climb back up, let alone survive a fall like this:
(that blob there being the limp and lifeless body of Kawajiro before it rolls down and hits the water), but that's probably why I'll never be anyone's sensei.
Otsu continues practicing being a lady by washing some dishes, and Takamaru and Moses have a training battle in which Takamaru is taught many important moves and lessons bound to show up in exact duplicate in a later, more important fight. Time passes, and it is now autumn. It becomes winter, then summer again, and Takamaru is practicing dodging swinging blades. He gets cut and sucks on the blood, staring idly for some time when, before him, Kawajiro appears. Much celebration is had by all. I don't know about these guys, but I personally would be questioning the demonic forces at work that enabled a man that I watched tumble off of a steep cliff, hit some rocks, fall into a pond, not search for, and somehow survive and gain sustenance and look generally unscathed as he appeared before me an entire year later. I would question it hard.
Moses stares on in abject hatred, which somehow becomes joy, and explains to the three men and Otsu that they have now mastered the secret of the Iga ninja. I am severely disappointed. Basilisk told me that this included topless lady blood fights and general all-around bodyhair powers. Or at least something not commonly associated with carnies and Paul Bunyan.
But, he goes on to explain, there is one thing missing. Something that Takamaru's daddy gave to the old man to give to his son. If you guessed that it was THE OTHER SWORD, YES THE OTHER MOMOCHI TREASURE SWORD THAT HAS THE OTHER HALF OF THE MAP THAT BECOMES ONE MAP WITH THE OTHER SWORD TO LEAD TO THE MOMOCHI TREASURE, then congratulations, so did everyone else, but they're going to tell you again three more times anyway. Holy crap, Hooked On Phonics assumes you have more intelligence than this movie. But really, I thought the other half of the map would be in Otsu's heart, or vagina, or something. Oh well. I'm sure she's completely forgotten she's supposed to steal them, despite giving one back to Takamaru, anyway.
So she sneaks into his room as he sleeps and easily locates the two swords sitting conveniently next to his head. She grabs them and runs off in her retarded, limping, slow way, and Takamaru wakes up and immediately looks to the empty place next to his head.
Otsu continues waddling along the dark mountain path, and Takamaru jumps down from a tree in front of her. She hugs the swords to herself, cries a little, tries to get by him all slow like, then finally just pulls one of the blades on him, informing him that she will kill him. They jump around, and she actually puts up a pretty good fight, almost ending his life (which does not bode well for his future battle with Shogen and his men), but Takamaru slaps her and takes the swords back. She then demands that he kill her.
Takamaru nodoubtedly omnipotently remembers what can happen to a man when a woman starts having deadly mood swings.
She says she has betrayed and broken the laws of the Momochi and deserves to die, before further contradicting herself and saying that laws are important, but more important is helping a friend, like Hanzo Hattori, who raised her while Takamaru was busy being a bigheaded potato sack in Podunk, China.
The fakest storm ever begins, and Takamaru tells her to leave and inform Hanzo that, if he wanted the swords, he would have to come get them himself! Catchphrases are a very important jutsu to an Iga ninja. Moses appears out of FUCKING NOWHERE, HOLY GOD, and demands to know why Takamaru would not kill a spy. Otsu shrilly cries for him to kill her, and her voice echoes around the soundstage. Takamaru tells her to run away. Moses and Takamaru battle over whether she lives or dies. She doesn't seem too concerned.
Otsu is horribly useless. She gets away, stands two feet from the fight, gets in between the two again, and gets Takamaru cut by Moses' sword. She then tries to get in the middle of the battle again, and Takamaru finally has the sense to shove her ass out of the way, causing her to land face-first in a puddle of mud in the most glorious manner possible.
Moses cuts the sheaths off of Takamaru's swords and Takamaru stabs him through either side of the stomach as lightning crashes around them. Moses tells Takamaru, over the course of several minutes lingering at Death's door, not to forget that move, and that one can never get revenge by being kind. He tells Takamaru to be angry and fight as an animal would. Death begins getting impatient and flicking the lights, letting Moses know that he knows he is out there and needs to come in. For several seconds, Moses stands looking at Takamaru, before a mighty bolt of lightning strikes and sets him aflame. What did I tell you.
A tree and the old man fall to the ground. Otsu dogpaddles through the mud a few inches.
The old man gets back up to his feet and recites a poem before declaring that on this night, Takamaru shall be the second generation of Momochi Sandayu.
Then he walks away.
Otsu returns to Hanzo's house, where he repeatedly slaps her through a series of walls, until they break and he just starts slapping at her in earnest. She begs Hanzo to help Takamaru, who keeps both swords together but does not want the treasure, but to kill Shogen. Hanzo brings Otsu to her feet and slaps her up some stairs. This is the Hanzo I know. He then begins to strangle and shake her, but she tells Hanzo that she loves Takamaru. He seems genuinely surprised and furious, despite telling Otsu not to love Takamaru and witnessing her reaction of crying and running away to return his tanto to him. Aaaand, we're back to Old Stupid. He does, however, shake her harder and throw her into a wall to pull out his katana against her.
She makes a run for it and he slices at her, instead halving the braizer and asking if she really wanted to live. She seems to have forgotten her previous conversation, or else was just forced into fear after realising that she'd have to be following Holy Moses to the next life, and that is a hard act to top.
Meanwhile, Hideyoshi is dying. He calls Shogen to him and expresses his concern over the care of his youngest and most bobble-headed son. I'm sure that his shrew concubine won't kill him within a year. Oh.
He then awkwardly asks Shogen what he thinks of Tokugawa Ieyasu, apparently remembering that the film is supposed to be a historical action/drama. Dramatic spy music plays. He tells Shogen to deliver a letter to Ieyasu and his son and bring him his head. Shogen agrees on the condition that, upon completing his mission, he will become young Sutemaru's guardian instead of Maeda Toshiie. (!!!) Li'l Sutemaru sits there right next to them staring off into space and picking at Hideyoshi's blanket. I can see where Shogen is coming from.
Hideyoshi yells at Shogen for threatening him, but agrees to the condition if Ieyasu's head is taken by Shogen's own hand. Shogen leaves, and Li'l Sooty comes out the side door, beckoning Shogen over and monkeying his father's gesture to show him how to take off Ieyasu's head. Shogen looks at the attendants, but laughs and tells Sutemaru to take care of Hideyoshi.
One of the attendants meets Hanzo and tells him of the plan. Yeah! He tells Otsu that this is the only time they can attack and gives her a map of Shogen's route to give to Takamaru. Otsu overacts her happiness.
Meanwhile, Takamaru and his friends are running through the woods and meet Airen. She's changed tops to something even more stereotypical, and stuck a chopstick in her hair. She speaks in what I can only assume is truly painful quasi-Chinese. She then speaks in near-identical pidgin Japanese. Such a lovely lady. She says she has come because her only home is with those she loves, and vows to fight with dear Taka.
Otsu meets them in the road moments later, and tells the the mission. It sure was a lot easier to get around in the world back then! Everybody calls her a liar, except for Airen, who says in Chinese that she believes her, then tells Takamaru in Japanese, so I guess she really grasps the situation she really had no way of knowing about. Takamaru vows to fight like an animal, and formulates a plan.
They swing through the trees as Shogen goes through the mountain pass, making him nervous enough to stop. He says he cannot afford casualties for his mission in Echizen, and retreats. Takamaru blocks their way with some cardboard trees. The traps they have rigged spring, and impale Shogen's men and several of their horses in the neck. What are the odds?
Takamaru appears, looking like the worst Street Fighter cosplayer ever.
He tells Shogen who he is, despite Shogen knowing who he is the entirety of the movie. Shogen orders his archers to kill Takamaru, so he spins around very quickly on the rope like it's Cirque du Soleil, transforming into the fighting handmaiden dummy in a new outfit, and the arrows bounce off him, rendered useless. Physics, who knew?
The rest flip in for the riflemen to shoot at, Otsu and Airen wearing orange and bright red. In the middle of a forest clearing. In the day, Still the trained riflemen miss them. Shogen forms a plan to trap the group in a swamp down the road. Takamaru's group catch two of Shogen's men in another trap, and Monta screams in victory, but the remaining, untrapped men do nothing. Takamaru appears before Shogen and unsheathes his swords in such a way that, even if it was modern-day Sanada Hiroyuki, or the undead ghost of Oda Nobunaga from beyond the grave, I would laugh just because of how gay, hokey and nonthreatening he looks doing it.
Airen appears from behind a tree, all smiley as always, and battles folk with nunchaku. And here I was hoping she'd be using select Jackie Chan DVD titles. Lite jazz begins to play as the epic fight between the two clans ensues. Friend Monta dies first, followed by Airen's unnamed, lineless companion, despite the fact that they had all been hitting many of Shogen's ninja (hah) and not killed a one of them. Airen rushes to him. Apparently, his name is Tou.
Meanwhile, Takamaru actually does kill some people. Otsu follows suit. A cliff spontaneously appears, so Takamaru and a few bad guys jump off of it to their deaths. The still water is followed to the shore, where Takamaru stands up, I guess supposedly having swam there. Despite the fact that nobody swims that fast and the water doesn't move. Shogen and Tweedles Dee and Dum are standing on the other side of the river, somehow having gone around and/or across. Ninpou!
Takamaru finds a tree to climb to fight in, and is soon surrounded. Kawajiro appears on a spontaneous trapeze in nature, and is hit with a kunai by Shogen. He still swings Takamaru out of there, before being sliced so quickly by Shogen's blade that it didn't even appear on screen. That's right, a man who was broken falling down some rocks into the water and surviving with no food for a year before climbing up again was killed by a kunai to the arm and a papercut to the face. Moving right along.
Hanzo appears in cheap camo gear. Hundreds of his men join him. They all disappear, however, because the standoff occurs only amongst Hanzo and Otsu, and Shogen and the Brothers Stupid. Hanzo tells Shogen that the Toyotomi are over, and Shogen says that the Shiranui are now beginning, preparing to fight them. Hanzo says that Shogen has become too self-important. This verbal domination has me on the edge of my seat. No, I'm sorry, it's Airen swinging into Takamaru's battle and being shot full of delicious Heinz brand tomato ketchup. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Whoopsie Daisies!
She then tells Taka that the pear blossoms in China are really pretty, then dies. No, first she sees a rifleman standing behind Takamaru not doing anything, and impales his face with her hair accessory. Then she dies. Yep.
Meanwhile, Shogen has pulled out his stackable blocks jutsu, with his two ninja balancing on his shoulders, like at the beginning of the film. That, and massive nipple tweakage is all that they can do. Takamaru arrives, Shogen retreats on a horse, and Hanzo tells Takamaru to go after him and leave the others to him. I'm sure he'll be fine. Happy Disney princess music trills in the background. He chases Shogen to the top of the mountain, and Shogen whispers secretly that he's fallen for the bait. They kill Takamaru's horse, and the Final Battle Begins.
Takamaru cuts the ninjas' arms off. Shogen is surprised, despite these being the same two ninja who couldn't take a sword from a crying fat girl.
Takamaru and Shogen square off to fight, and it goes very quickly. A fatal wound is inflicted, and Takamaru stumbles back, swordless. It looks like he has been stabbed, but instead Shogen turns to reveal that Takamaru has impaled him in the back of the neck. I don't even know what shoots out of his head. Perhaps some kind of chilli.
Anyway, so he dies, his two ninja die, Hideyoshi dies. Things are looking up for young Takamaru.
Hanzo, Otsu and Takamaru are standing on a cliff. The same cliff from the beginning, and various other parts of the movie. Things are looking bad again. Hanzo asks for the two tanto and Takamaru, who apparently doesn't need them and just got his ass saved by Hanzo's help and extra men, refuses. Hanzo pulls his katana on him, and Otsu uses her super special secret getting-in-the-way jutsu to stop him. He politely asks her to move, and she clutches the flute in her hands as the only flute song in this movie plays. Takamaru stares at the instrument as if he has never seen it before, but perhaps he too heard the disembodied flute-playing and was wondering about it.
He then tosses the swords off the cliff. Well, they were there, something had to go. The opening pop ballad begins in the distance. He tells Hanzo that that is his answer, and Hanzo says "ok", puts his katana away, and leaves.
I think moral of the story is that Hanzo is a really cool and dubiously motivated guy. I like to think that he did all of this just because he was really bored.
So the song swells and Otsu and Takamaru appear beachside, on a new horse. They ride towards the camera in happy slow motion as the song ends.
Fin
I'd like to thank each and every one of you for taking the time to read this. It's such a great movie, it's really got something for everyone, on top of being exceedingly cheap. If you see this movie, or want to buy it on Amazon or in a Sonny Chiba box set, I highly encourage you to do so, if not for the sole reason of having it around for the sheer "what the fuck" factor.
And now onto the requests!
If there is a scene or clip that you need to see to believe, feel free to request it, and I will put the link here, as well as at the corresponding scene in my review. I will start off by sharing the opening credits, complete with inspirational pop ballad and 「日本だ！！！」.
Opening Credits
Dance Sequence
Training Montage
Ending Song
Also, if there are any other really crappy and bizarre yet awesome movies you'd like me to review in the future, please don't hesitate to contact me.
Well, that wraps that up! Thanks again for reading, and look forward to the next!
Movie Review - 忍者武芸帳 百地三太夫 - Shogun's Ninja
When last we left our heroes, young Johnny's Entertainent stud Takamaru had just jumped off of the roof of a palace into about a foot of water, to his most certain death. Ugly fake Chinese bimbo Airen had somehow hitched a log heading for Kyoto. Takamaru's one true love, Otsu, singer of Kra, had acted like a flute-playing idiot and run off into the woods after her brother, master-ninja-turned-sort-of-douchey-lecturer, Hattori Hanzo, made fun of her for securing the SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME TREASURE-GIVING SWORD OF THE MOMOCHI CLAN for them. Also, all of Takamaru's friends had been captured by the evil betrayer, Shiranui Shogen and his two highly trained but frankly kind of shitty ninja bodyguards.
Isn't it amazing how history just comes alive?
So anyway, Shaolin daughter Airen just comes waltzing into Kyoto exactly as Takamaru had done at the beginning of the movie, standing out like a sore and annoying thumb amongst Japan's meta-perception of its own default background people.
How they are getting from China to Kyoto so easily is beyond me, but then again, I am not a ninja, nor am I a practitioner of the "Stereotypical Chinese Clothing Arts", Hanfuo Maiwang. Jutsu.
Apparently there is only one singular road in the former capital, for Airen finds herself in front of a freshly-displayed sign once more issued by the Police Force of Kyoto, proclaiming to all that the thief from the sign a few days ago, Ishikawa Goemon, is to be boiled to death on the bank of the Sanjo River. Wanting to take in the sights, with nothing else to do in a foreign country except somehow read their signs to go view public executions, Airen happily sets out with her new travel itinerary.
People are literally running to the coastline as soon as they hear the water begin to boil, once again proving that this historic era was sweet as hell, and I should have been there.
Several epic shots are vomited across the screen, and Shogen of the Many Jobs gives the executioners the go-ahead. The three prisoners are forced onto the plank above the boiling liquid. Otsu, Gosuke's crazy wife, and a scattering of a few others watch in horror. Suddenly, Gosuke runs in, fighting his way through a number of useless armed guards and wrestling his three friends from their captivity to stand on the plank and declare himself the only and true Ishikawa Goemon. He then leaps into the boiling pot. Emotions run high.
The sole hot (albeit crazy) girl in the whole film then jumps the barrier, screeching as she does best, knocking several guards out of her way with surprising and unlikely force. Disheveled, she is subsequently cut down and dies in that beautiful way that all Japanese women do: hands over her head, she spins a pretty turn and crumples to the ground like a falling flower, spasming in disbelief for several seconds, before laying still, covered in delicious Heinz brand tomato ketchup.
And now Yodo becomes the attractive one.
Suddenly, the camera is rising slightly for a view of the grisly scene from the river. If you guessed that it was Takamaru, who has swam away from his fall all the way down the same river to the exact shore of the execution, arriving at precisely the right time and emerging slightly to look on in anger with a knife in his mouth like it was the greatest Metal Gear Solid game ever, set in the motherfucking Sengoku period, then you are damn right and just as excited and confused as I am, holy shit.
The peasants are made to sit and be inspected, and the wierdest effect, like something was being jostled forward right below the preciously fake ground, causes Takamaru to dramatically lower his head back under the water. Shogen calculates, then instructs the men to kill the other Goemon prisoners. Takamaru bursts from the water, once more sans shirt, and a skittering, comical Looney Tunes-esque melody reflects the seriousness of the situation, as the cue is taken for the rest of their allies to throw the smoke capsules as they set their friends free. Riflemen and archers fire uselessly at the group as Airen appears out of nowhere (seriously, when they were inspecting people, she'd be number one on my list for a free hot bath), and yells to everyone in not-Chinese that it is her friend Taka! Well thanks, bitch. Way to further endanger his life. At least this time her stupidity is not mirrored by the "Oopsie Daisies" face.
Shogen and Takamaru, despite being mere inches away, stare each other down. The Spider Clan burst from the ground in an obvious way, and more hokey battling ensues. Guys fight off a multitude of arrows with a katana, and Otsu gets scared and runs away. All of the Spiders, including Yatoji, as well as Ishibe (whose assholery early in the film cost him a death scene as he was cut away from in favour of Yatoji) are all killed. Airen stares in upset horror, despite knowing NOT A DAMN ONE of them.
One of the peasants is killed in the crossfire, and the other townspeople get mad and start throwing rocks. Shogen has them all shot in a glorious way that looks as if tomatoes are being launched at their chests. Hanzo and Otsu show up on horses, and hit aimlessly at the crowd of officers. Shogen now has a stare-off with Hanzo and curses his name in the best possible way. Hanzo destroys the barricades, and the remaining peasants trample over the body of Gosuke's wife to get into the fray. I didn't know defenseless townsfolk were so bold. They open fire again and kill a number of them, including another of Takamaru's friends. The surviving Momochi dive into the river and retreat. That river is so helpful.
Takamaru returns that evening to survey the carnage.
He starts a fire and begins punching his fist in anger. His friends sob and punch the ground as well.
Alright, you guys, here is where I give up.
I honestly cannot fathom how to describe this scene. There are no words to convey the horror and utterly bizarre goings-on at this point. There is nothing. But I'll try.
Takamaru starts dancing.
No, really dancing.
Dancing. Dancing with spins and turns and jazz-hands and clapping at key moments. Para para. Jumps and fingers pointing out the beat. Wide, Isadora Duncan interpretive dance.
The music... imagine 80's synth pop, something like Jamiroquai. Stir in some 70's funk. Tribal beats, elevator music all rolled into one. Final Fantasy travel music. All of that, all happening at once. It doesn't stop and there is no rhyme or reason to it.
All the while staring longingly at engraved logs burning in the fire and crying at the memory of his brethren. Shirtless.
Karate moves. Martial arts. Cartwheels. Jumping over the fire and posing. While his friends sit right by him and bang the ground, somehow not noticing the exceedingly gay interpretive dance unfolding right before them.
He then grabs two logs which happen to be burning on only one end and uses them as a part of the dancing.
Airen shows up, crying. Airen and I share emotions of shock and horror and severe discomfort.
And then it is over.
There is nothing that I could possibly say in attempt to analyze what I've just written, be witty, or make any sort of conclusion to that scene. The film leaves it at that and moves on, and so shall we.
The group stands before the charred remains of the former Momochi palace. Otsu plays the same song on the flute from earlier. Takamaru falls to the ground, cursing his own weakness. He remembers his mother as she died, and he cries again, clutching some dirt.
Soon, they notice a terribly old, Biblical-looking man holding a staff atop a cliff, watching them. As is the rule in this film when there happens to be a cliff, the man jumps off with the tried-and-true whirlwind noise, and everyone looks at him in surprise, happy recognition, or horror. I really can't tell. The ancient man runs up to them. Very quickly for an ancient old man.
He tells Takamaru to stop being a crybaby and use his anger to get revenge.
I totally love mystical old dudes, this is going to end up great. I have no idea what this movie is right now.
Takamaru uses this opportunity to inquire as to how the old man knows him, standing there with his enormously gaudy inscribed sword sticking out of his obi in the most obvious way. The old man says he would know that tanto anywhere. From a mile away, I'm sure.
The old man introduces himself as Ozawa Hakubunsai, but I am going to call him Moses.
Look at this guy. The only thing that could ever stop that man would be a bolt of lightning sent by Zeus himself.
He tells the group that he is going to train them to rid them of their sissy attitudes.
The painfully sissy opening song rears its head once more, the soft pop sounds overlaying shots of the mountains as an extended training montage rolls on by. Takamaru has a shirt on at last, but no pants. I'm warning you all now that the next movie I review is going to include some hot naked chicks, because my image of the demonic Sanada Hiroyuki has forever been shattered.
The old man beats people with his cane, and Otsu picks flowers. Takamaru does tricks on a trapeze, and his friends comically muddle their training excersizes up as Takamaru shows off his bizarre skills pertaining to push-ups and wood-chopping. Eventually, the comedic muddling stretches to friend Kawajiro attempting to trapeze, and falling off of a cliff. Yep, right off the cliff in the middle of the forest, down some rocks, and into the sea.
Takamaru begs to go help, but Moses expounds several meaningful metaphors and tells him that Kawajiro must get back up the side of the spontaneously-forming forest cliff on his own. I don't know how Kawajiro is expected to climb back up, let alone survive a fall like this:
(that blob there being the limp and lifeless body of Kawajiro before it rolls down and hits the water), but that's probably why I'll never be anyone's sensei.
Otsu continues practicing being a lady by washing some dishes, and Takamaru and Moses have a training battle in which Takamaru is taught many important moves and lessons bound to show up in exact duplicate in a later, more important fight. Time passes, and it is now autumn. It becomes winter, then summer again, and Takamaru is practicing dodging swinging blades. He gets cut and sucks on the blood, staring idly for some time when, before him, Kawajiro appears. Much celebration is had by all. I don't know about these guys, but I personally would be questioning the demonic forces at work that enabled a man that I watched tumble off of a steep cliff, hit some rocks, fall into a pond, not search for, and somehow survive and gain sustenance and look generally unscathed as he appeared before me an entire year later. I would question it hard.
Moses stares on in abject hatred, which somehow becomes joy, and explains to the three men and Otsu that they have now mastered the secret of the Iga ninja. I am severely disappointed. Basilisk told me that this included topless lady blood fights and general all-around bodyhair powers. Or at least something not commonly associated with carnies and Paul Bunyan.
But, he goes on to explain, there is one thing missing. Something that Takamaru's daddy gave to the old man to give to his son. If you guessed that it was THE OTHER SWORD, YES THE OTHER MOMOCHI TREASURE SWORD THAT HAS THE OTHER HALF OF THE MAP THAT BECOMES ONE MAP WITH THE OTHER SWORD TO LEAD TO THE MOMOCHI TREASURE, then congratulations, so did everyone else, but they're going to tell you again three more times anyway. Holy crap, Hooked On Phonics assumes you have more intelligence than this movie. But really, I thought the other half of the map would be in Otsu's heart, or vagina, or something. Oh well. I'm sure she's completely forgotten she's supposed to steal them, despite giving one back to Takamaru, anyway.
So she sneaks into his room as he sleeps and easily locates the two swords sitting conveniently next to his head. She grabs them and runs off in her retarded, limping, slow way, and Takamaru wakes up and immediately looks to the empty place next to his head.
Otsu continues waddling along the dark mountain path, and Takamaru jumps down from a tree in front of her. She hugs the swords to herself, cries a little, tries to get by him all slow like, then finally just pulls one of the blades on him, informing him that she will kill him. They jump around, and she actually puts up a pretty good fight, almost ending his life (which does not bode well for his future battle with Shogen and his men), but Takamaru slaps her and takes the swords back. She then demands that he kill her.
Takamaru nodoubtedly omnipotently remembers what can happen to a man when a woman starts having deadly mood swings.
She says she has betrayed and broken the laws of the Momochi and deserves to die, before further contradicting herself and saying that laws are important, but more important is helping a friend, like Hanzo Hattori, who raised her while Takamaru was busy being a bigheaded potato sack in Podunk, China.
The fakest storm ever begins, and Takamaru tells her to leave and inform Hanzo that, if he wanted the swords, he would have to come get them himself! Catchphrases are a very important jutsu to an Iga ninja. Moses appears out of FUCKING NOWHERE, HOLY GOD, and demands to know why Takamaru would not kill a spy. Otsu shrilly cries for him to kill her, and her voice echoes around the soundstage. Takamaru tells her to run away. Moses and Takamaru battle over whether she lives or dies. She doesn't seem too concerned.
Otsu is horribly useless. She gets away, stands two feet from the fight, gets in between the two again, and gets Takamaru cut by Moses' sword. She then tries to get in the middle of the battle again, and Takamaru finally has the sense to shove her ass out of the way, causing her to land face-first in a puddle of mud in the most glorious manner possible.
Moses cuts the sheaths off of Takamaru's swords and Takamaru stabs him through either side of the stomach as lightning crashes around them. Moses tells Takamaru, over the course of several minutes lingering at Death's door, not to forget that move, and that one can never get revenge by being kind. He tells Takamaru to be angry and fight as an animal would. Death begins getting impatient and flicking the lights, letting Moses know that he knows he is out there and needs to come in. For several seconds, Moses stands looking at Takamaru, before a mighty bolt of lightning strikes and sets him aflame. What did I tell you.
A tree and the old man fall to the ground. Otsu dogpaddles through the mud a few inches.
The old man gets back up to his feet and recites a poem before declaring that on this night, Takamaru shall be the second generation of Momochi Sandayu.
Then he walks away.
Otsu returns to Hanzo's house, where he repeatedly slaps her through a series of walls, until they break and he just starts slapping at her in earnest. She begs Hanzo to help Takamaru, who keeps both swords together but does not want the treasure, but to kill Shogen. Hanzo brings Otsu to her feet and slaps her up some stairs. This is the Hanzo I know. He then begins to strangle and shake her, but she tells Hanzo that she loves Takamaru. He seems genuinely surprised and furious, despite telling Otsu not to love Takamaru and witnessing her reaction of crying and running away to return his tanto to him. Aaaand, we're back to Old Stupid. He does, however, shake her harder and throw her into a wall to pull out his katana against her.
She makes a run for it and he slices at her, instead halving the braizer and asking if she really wanted to live. She seems to have forgotten her previous conversation, or else was just forced into fear after realising that she'd have to be following Holy Moses to the next life, and that is a hard act to top.
Meanwhile, Hideyoshi is dying. He calls Shogen to him and expresses his concern over the care of his youngest and most bobble-headed son. I'm sure that his shrew concubine won't kill him within a year. Oh.
He then awkwardly asks Shogen what he thinks of Tokugawa Ieyasu, apparently remembering that the film is supposed to be a historical action/drama. Dramatic spy music plays. He tells Shogen to deliver a letter to Ieyasu and his son and bring him his head. Shogen agrees on the condition that, upon completing his mission, he will become young Sutemaru's guardian instead of Maeda Toshiie. (!!!) Li'l Sutemaru sits there right next to them staring off into space and picking at Hideyoshi's blanket. I can see where Shogen is coming from.
Hideyoshi yells at Shogen for threatening him, but agrees to the condition if Ieyasu's head is taken by Shogen's own hand. Shogen leaves, and Li'l Sooty comes out the side door, beckoning Shogen over and monkeying his father's gesture to show him how to take off Ieyasu's head. Shogen looks at the attendants, but laughs and tells Sutemaru to take care of Hideyoshi.
One of the attendants meets Hanzo and tells him of the plan. Yeah! He tells Otsu that this is the only time they can attack and gives her a map of Shogen's route to give to Takamaru. Otsu overacts her happiness.
Meanwhile, Takamaru and his friends are running through the woods and meet Airen. She's changed tops to something even more stereotypical, and stuck a chopstick in her hair. She speaks in what I can only assume is truly painful quasi-Chinese. She then speaks in near-identical pidgin Japanese. Such a lovely lady. She says she has come because her only home is with those she loves, and vows to fight with dear Taka.
Otsu meets them in the road moments later, and tells the the mission. It sure was a lot easier to get around in the world back then! Everybody calls her a liar, except for Airen, who says in Chinese that she believes her, then tells Takamaru in Japanese, so I guess she really grasps the situation she really had no way of knowing about. Takamaru vows to fight like an animal, and formulates a plan.
They swing through the trees as Shogen goes through the mountain pass, making him nervous enough to stop. He says he cannot afford casualties for his mission in Echizen, and retreats. Takamaru blocks their way with some cardboard trees. The traps they have rigged spring, and impale Shogen's men and several of their horses in the neck. What are the odds?
Takamaru appears, looking like the worst Street Fighter cosplayer ever.
He tells Shogen who he is, despite Shogen knowing who he is the entirety of the movie. Shogen orders his archers to kill Takamaru, so he spins around very quickly on the rope like it's Cirque du Soleil, transforming into the fighting handmaiden dummy in a new outfit, and the arrows bounce off him, rendered useless. Physics, who knew?
The rest flip in for the riflemen to shoot at, Otsu and Airen wearing orange and bright red. In the middle of a forest clearing. In the day, Still the trained riflemen miss them. Shogen forms a plan to trap the group in a swamp down the road. Takamaru's group catch two of Shogen's men in another trap, and Monta screams in victory, but the remaining, untrapped men do nothing. Takamaru appears before Shogen and unsheathes his swords in such a way that, even if it was modern-day Sanada Hiroyuki, or the undead ghost of Oda Nobunaga from beyond the grave, I would laugh just because of how gay, hokey and nonthreatening he looks doing it.
Airen appears from behind a tree, all smiley as always, and battles folk with nunchaku. And here I was hoping she'd be using select Jackie Chan DVD titles. Lite jazz begins to play as the epic fight between the two clans ensues. Friend Monta dies first, followed by Airen's unnamed, lineless companion, despite the fact that they had all been hitting many of Shogen's ninja (hah) and not killed a one of them. Airen rushes to him. Apparently, his name is Tou.
Meanwhile, Takamaru actually does kill some people. Otsu follows suit. A cliff spontaneously appears, so Takamaru and a few bad guys jump off of it to their deaths. The still water is followed to the shore, where Takamaru stands up, I guess supposedly having swam there. Despite the fact that nobody swims that fast and the water doesn't move. Shogen and Tweedles Dee and Dum are standing on the other side of the river, somehow having gone around and/or across. Ninpou!
Takamaru finds a tree to climb to fight in, and is soon surrounded. Kawajiro appears on a spontaneous trapeze in nature, and is hit with a kunai by Shogen. He still swings Takamaru out of there, before being sliced so quickly by Shogen's blade that it didn't even appear on screen. That's right, a man who was broken falling down some rocks into the water and surviving with no food for a year before climbing up again was killed by a kunai to the arm and a papercut to the face. Moving right along.
Hanzo appears in cheap camo gear. Hundreds of his men join him. They all disappear, however, because the standoff occurs only amongst Hanzo and Otsu, and Shogen and the Brothers Stupid. Hanzo tells Shogen that the Toyotomi are over, and Shogen says that the Shiranui are now beginning, preparing to fight them. Hanzo says that Shogen has become too self-important. This verbal domination has me on the edge of my seat. No, I'm sorry, it's Airen swinging into Takamaru's battle and being shot full of delicious Heinz brand tomato ketchup. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Whoopsie Daisies!
She then tells Taka that the pear blossoms in China are really pretty, then dies. No, first she sees a rifleman standing behind Takamaru not doing anything, and impales his face with her hair accessory. Then she dies. Yep.
Meanwhile, Shogen has pulled out his stackable blocks jutsu, with his two ninja balancing on his shoulders, like at the beginning of the film. That, and massive nipple tweakage is all that they can do. Takamaru arrives, Shogen retreats on a horse, and Hanzo tells Takamaru to go after him and leave the others to him. I'm sure he'll be fine. Happy Disney princess music trills in the background. He chases Shogen to the top of the mountain, and Shogen whispers secretly that he's fallen for the bait. They kill Takamaru's horse, and the Final Battle Begins.
Takamaru cuts the ninjas' arms off. Shogen is surprised, despite these being the same two ninja who couldn't take a sword from a crying fat girl.
Takamaru and Shogen square off to fight, and it goes very quickly. A fatal wound is inflicted, and Takamaru stumbles back, swordless. It looks like he has been stabbed, but instead Shogen turns to reveal that Takamaru has impaled him in the back of the neck. I don't even know what shoots out of his head. Perhaps some kind of chilli.
Anyway, so he dies, his two ninja die, Hideyoshi dies. Things are looking up for young Takamaru.
Hanzo, Otsu and Takamaru are standing on a cliff. The same cliff from the beginning, and various other parts of the movie. Things are looking bad again. Hanzo asks for the two tanto and Takamaru, who apparently doesn't need them and just got his ass saved by Hanzo's help and extra men, refuses. Hanzo pulls his katana on him, and Otsu uses her super special secret getting-in-the-way jutsu to stop him. He politely asks her to move, and she clutches the flute in her hands as the only flute song in this movie plays. Takamaru stares at the instrument as if he has never seen it before, but perhaps he too heard the disembodied flute-playing and was wondering about it.
He then tosses the swords off the cliff. Well, they were there, something had to go. The opening pop ballad begins in the distance. He tells Hanzo that that is his answer, and Hanzo says "ok", puts his katana away, and leaves.
I think moral of the story is that Hanzo is a really cool and dubiously motivated guy. I like to think that he did all of this just because he was really bored.
So the song swells and Otsu and Takamaru appear beachside, on a new horse. They ride towards the camera in happy slow motion as the song ends.
Fin
I'd like to thank each and every one of you for taking the time to read this. It's such a great movie, it's really got something for everyone, on top of being exceedingly cheap. If you see this movie, or want to buy it on Amazon or in a Sonny Chiba box set, I highly encourage you to do so, if not for the sole reason of having it around for the sheer "what the fuck" factor.
And now onto the requests!
If there is a scene or clip that you need to see to believe, feel free to request it, and I will put the link here, as well as at the corresponding scene in my review. I will start off by sharing the opening credits, complete with inspirational pop ballad and 「日本だ！！！」.
Opening Credits
Dance Sequence
Training Montage
Ending Song
Also, if there are any other really crappy and bizarre yet awesome movies you'd like me to review in the future, please don't hesitate to contact me.
Well, that wraps that up! Thanks again for reading, and look forward to the next!