Hm...think.
I am trying to channel my gaze on different things now. Looking into actually getting into TAing again. Have to take a test though because with the No Child Left Behind Act they require all Instructional assistants to have either an AA or 60hrs of college credits to be one, ot take one of three tests to prove that you are worthy of such a job. That you can truly be an instructional assistant and help teach. So there is that.
Trying to focus on the things that I need to get done for myself and not stir the pot too much with the family since things are hard for all of us right now. Which sucks, seriously...and the group of people that we are trying to help out are probably drag us down to almost nothing. The only thing that pisses me off is that one step-father yells and lectures the wrong people for the shit that is sucking up all the money. Too much drama and shit. Sometimes I wish I had the capability to move out and really get away from the insanity, because sometimes i think that I should just put everyone out of their misery of having to deal with me as a burden and just end it. Not a call for help just a practical kind of thought of suicide. One less person to deal with and for God's sake I wouldn't have to be constantly treated the way I get treated by my step father and I wouldn't have to deal with all the other bullshit in my life. I know that there will always be bullshit, but sometimes it's just like, for God's sake quit bitching at us for the fact that you have no money and it was your choice to take on all that you have, and they are truly the ones pulling us down. We were doing fine until they showed up. God damn all of us that can't fucking take care of our own shit.
Anyway, with all that trouble I just exist in my own little world. Trying to find a way to get my car fixed. Trying to get my own world straightened out. Trying to cope with myself and not worry so much about all the other shit although it gets to me. Blah. Video games and shit just occupy my time keeping me somewhat sane. Friends also seem to be a good way to distract myself, not that I am using them, just that they are a good way to release and be myself and just keep things away from the shit...and also are good sounding boards. Love ya'll out there.
I'm there. I'm trying to change my views on things. I'm trying to better myself and keep things under control. My mouth moves sometimes in ways it shouldn't...and sometime it moves at the right time and in the right way, but I need to learn to set my boundaries, improve my situation and fuck the people that don't want to understand, the people who don't really want to be on the ride with me. If they want to just make me worry and make me feel like shit without them even knowing sometimes, they have no place in my space. Sometimes I feel like the song "In The Way" by Ani on her album evolve. I can relate to some many songs that she has written. especially through the newer her: To the Teeth through Knuckle Down. Sometimes I feel the Tori too, but Ani speaks it like it is...
Sometimes I don't get through a day without something that I can relate to through music. Even if it is just at night when i am lying down to try and sleep.
I'm sad....it was an awesome night tonight. Didn't get to spend as much time as I would have liked to with a certain someone like it was planned (but the time I did get to spend with them was awesome.), but the party was good...seeing all those people who accepted me from the beginning and love to see me when i walk into their space. i just feel like I miss something sometimes and that has always been how it's been with my close friends...there is this bitter sweet ending to things. Sometimes I wish I could just be within their lives, suck up the amazingness of them and revel in it. I suppose if it was all the time it wouldn't be so special when i do get to spend time with them, but sometimes it's just too few and far between. So there you go again with songs.
o you didn't just leave
I actually kicked you out
I couldn't hardly believe
that the words came out my mouth
you couldn't hardly believe
what you heard yourself discuss
and you packed up all your things
and you said goodbye to us
tell me what is in the way
in the way of my love for you?
tell me what is in the way
in the way of my love for you?
hafta get it outta of the way of my love
hafta get it outta of the way of my love
and now there's nothing left to lose,
and the screen just says "Fini"
and each night in separate rooms
we cry separately
and every day we yell
down each other's holes
two slippery strippers
swinging round two poles
tell me what is in the way
in the way of my love for you?
tell me what is in the way
in the way of my love for you?
yeah there's something in the way of my love for you
yeah there's something in the way of my love
so we took down all the pictures
and then we took down all the walls
packed up our expectations
piled them in the hall
yeah we bagged our future
kicked it to the curb
and then we stood there unencumbered
and we stood there undeterred
cause we were done clinging
to the things we were afraid to lose
and the only thing left
was a breathtaking view
you looked at me
and I looked at you
and we said, "How about now,
"what you wanna do?"
now there's something in the way
in the way of my love for you
now there's something in the way
in the way of my love for you
I have to get it out the way
out the way of my love for you
I have to get it out the way
out the way of my love for you
no you didn't just leave
no you didn't just leave
no you didn't just leave
no you didn't just leave
--In the Way
Ani Difranco
Somewhat in what is going on in my life.
Sometimes I wish things weren't so hard. That I had the right words at a moment's notice. That i had the guts to speak my mind and let it all lie on the table. Been getting better at that. Wish I could just grab the things I need within myself off a shelf and stuff them in the holes. I wish that I could just drag the things I need out of myself and paint the picture I want. There are too many restrictions to the world. We have to play the game, to get to where we need to be....or want to be. And sometimes that just doesn't work for those of us that look in from the outside.
--Shalom
Trying to focus on the things that I need to get done for myself and not stir the pot too much with the family since things are hard for all of us right now. Which sucks, seriously...and the group of people that we are trying to help out are probably drag us down to almost nothing. The only thing that pisses me off is that one step-father yells and lectures the wrong people for the shit that is sucking up all the money. Too much drama and shit. Sometimes I wish I had the capability to move out and really get away from the insanity, because sometimes i think that I should just put everyone out of their misery of having to deal with me as a burden and just end it. Not a call for help just a practical kind of thought of suicide. One less person to deal with and for God's sake I wouldn't have to be constantly treated the way I get treated by my step father and I wouldn't have to deal with all the other bullshit in my life. I know that there will always be bullshit, but sometimes it's just like, for God's sake quit bitching at us for the fact that you have no money and it was your choice to take on all that you have, and they are truly the ones pulling us down. We were doing fine until they showed up. God damn all of us that can't fucking take care of our own shit.
Anyway, with all that trouble I just exist in my own little world. Trying to find a way to get my car fixed. Trying to get my own world straightened out. Trying to cope with myself and not worry so much about all the other shit although it gets to me. Blah. Video games and shit just occupy my time keeping me somewhat sane. Friends also seem to be a good way to distract myself, not that I am using them, just that they are a good way to release and be myself and just keep things away from the shit...and also are good sounding boards. Love ya'll out there.
I'm there. I'm trying to change my views on things. I'm trying to better myself and keep things under control. My mouth moves sometimes in ways it shouldn't...and sometime it moves at the right time and in the right way, but I need to learn to set my boundaries, improve my situation and fuck the people that don't want to understand, the people who don't really want to be on the ride with me. If they want to just make me worry and make me feel like shit without them even knowing sometimes, they have no place in my space. Sometimes I feel like the song "In The Way" by Ani on her album evolve. I can relate to some many songs that she has written. especially through the newer her: To the Teeth through Knuckle Down. Sometimes I feel the Tori too, but Ani speaks it like it is...
Sometimes I don't get through a day without something that I can relate to through music. Even if it is just at night when i am lying down to try and sleep.
I'm sad....it was an awesome night tonight. Didn't get to spend as much time as I would have liked to with a certain someone like it was planned (but the time I did get to spend with them was awesome.), but the party was good...seeing all those people who accepted me from the beginning and love to see me when i walk into their space. i just feel like I miss something sometimes and that has always been how it's been with my close friends...there is this bitter sweet ending to things. Sometimes I wish I could just be within their lives, suck up the amazingness of them and revel in it. I suppose if it was all the time it wouldn't be so special when i do get to spend time with them, but sometimes it's just too few and far between. So there you go again with songs.
o you didn't just leave
I actually kicked you out
I couldn't hardly believe
that the words came out my mouth
you couldn't hardly believe
what you heard yourself discuss
and you packed up all your things
and you said goodbye to us
tell me what is in the way
in the way of my love for you?
tell me what is in the way
in the way of my love for you?
hafta get it outta of the way of my love
hafta get it outta of the way of my love
and now there's nothing left to lose,
and the screen just says "Fini"
and each night in separate rooms
we cry separately
and every day we yell
down each other's holes
two slippery strippers
swinging round two poles
tell me what is in the way
in the way of my love for you?
tell me what is in the way
in the way of my love for you?
yeah there's something in the way of my love for you
yeah there's something in the way of my love
so we took down all the pictures
and then we took down all the walls
packed up our expectations
piled them in the hall
yeah we bagged our future
kicked it to the curb
and then we stood there unencumbered
and we stood there undeterred
cause we were done clinging
to the things we were afraid to lose
and the only thing left
was a breathtaking view
you looked at me
and I looked at you
and we said, "How about now,
"what you wanna do?"
now there's something in the way
in the way of my love for you
now there's something in the way
in the way of my love for you
I have to get it out the way
out the way of my love for you
I have to get it out the way
out the way of my love for you
no you didn't just leave
no you didn't just leave
no you didn't just leave
no you didn't just leave
--In the Way
Ani Difranco
Somewhat in what is going on in my life.
Sometimes I wish things weren't so hard. That I had the right words at a moment's notice. That i had the guts to speak my mind and let it all lie on the table. Been getting better at that. Wish I could just grab the things I need within myself off a shelf and stuff them in the holes. I wish that I could just drag the things I need out of myself and paint the picture I want. There are too many restrictions to the world. We have to play the game, to get to where we need to be....or want to be. And sometimes that just doesn't work for those of us that look in from the outside.
--Shalom