The most important thing.
So here I am, again awake at 5:30am. My alarm will be going off in less than four hours and hopefully most of the time in between will be spent asleep. So far? not going so well. The following is going to be a very long rant. You really shouldn't even bother reading it. Go mind your own damn business.
One of the things that I've noticed about myself is that insomnia tends to get me thinking really introspectively. Really annoyingly introspectively. Tonight I've decided that the single most important thing in life is Peace of Mind. To be able to look at yourself in a mirror and say "everything is right with my life." That might seem like a claim very few people can make, but is it really so hard? I've thought back and realized that I haven't had peace of mind for years. Am I unhappy? Of course not, I have a great life, great friends, and I have alot of fun. But maybe that isn't enough
Sure, on the outside, I'm calm, confident, collected. On the inside? Dozens of nagging doubts plaguing me constantly. I feel like I don't know where I'm going with my life. Like I should be spending much more time on classes and studying and getting better grades. Like I should be putting more effort into getting into shape. Like I should be going out more. I should sleep on a more regular schedule. I shouldn't be so alone. I shouldn't let things slip my mind so easily. I should put more thought into what's going to happen after college. I should be spending more time trying to get a part time job. Hell maybe I'd like to learn a musical instrument. I know I'd love to own my own car.
I look at all this and I think, it seems like theres so much I'm NOT doing, what the hell AM I doing? So far I've been able to look back on my past and say that I have very few regrets. Things I'd do differently, knowing what I know now? Sure. But actual regrets? Not really. And that's a very good thing. I like who I am as a person. I'm very proud of my depth of thought and maturity. Responsibility, loyalty, sense of humor. I'm just a very good guy, which I suppose is something people aspire to. But when I look back on my life from age 30, will I still have few regrets? Will I regret my grades? Will I wish I had a few regular girlfriends over the years? Will I wish I had gone out, done and seen more? Will I wish I had planned things out better? It terrifies me that sometimes (like now) I think the answer is yes.
One of the things that I've noticed about myself is that insomnia tends to get me thinking really introspectively. Really annoyingly introspectively. Tonight I've decided that the single most important thing in life is Peace of Mind. To be able to look at yourself in a mirror and say "everything is right with my life." That might seem like a claim very few people can make, but is it really so hard? I've thought back and realized that I haven't had peace of mind for years. Am I unhappy? Of course not, I have a great life, great friends, and I have alot of fun. But maybe that isn't enough
Sure, on the outside, I'm calm, confident, collected. On the inside? Dozens of nagging doubts plaguing me constantly. I feel like I don't know where I'm going with my life. Like I should be spending much more time on classes and studying and getting better grades. Like I should be putting more effort into getting into shape. Like I should be going out more. I should sleep on a more regular schedule. I shouldn't be so alone. I shouldn't let things slip my mind so easily. I should put more thought into what's going to happen after college. I should be spending more time trying to get a part time job. Hell maybe I'd like to learn a musical instrument. I know I'd love to own my own car.
I look at all this and I think, it seems like theres so much I'm NOT doing, what the hell AM I doing? So far I've been able to look back on my past and say that I have very few regrets. Things I'd do differently, knowing what I know now? Sure. But actual regrets? Not really. And that's a very good thing. I like who I am as a person. I'm very proud of my depth of thought and maturity. Responsibility, loyalty, sense of humor. I'm just a very good guy, which I suppose is something people aspire to. But when I look back on my life from age 30, will I still have few regrets? Will I regret my grades? Will I wish I had a few regular girlfriends over the years? Will I wish I had gone out, done and seen more? Will I wish I had planned things out better? It terrifies me that sometimes (like now) I think the answer is yes.