Heartbearing to those left behind
It has been a good while since I've really posted on here and I guess it's due time I spoke up to those back home. I used to post to this public forum lots in the past, but I've mostly taking to just reading my friends list and commenting on others posts. I've changed alot, I've grown up in many different ways from the Dan you once knew. This year out in Edmonton has been both hard and life changing for me. It was my intention to post positive stuff, to keep you damned LJ monkeys reading. Things about how I enjoy Rockband or about my fantastic boardgame collection i've developed out here, however I feel the truth will hold more weight in such a negative time in my life. The truth is that things really aren't so on this coast. Thats not to say there hasn't been some good times here, keep that in mind as I drench you with truth liquid. I've often ranted about things I dislike about Alberta on here, things really haven't proven to get better since then. Thing's were good when I was dating Lina, I have made some friends here, good times have infact been had despite the over all disagreeable tone I always seem to take. But in lue of recent events this will be mostly about what has occurred at my work and life as a whole over the past year.
Well all is said and done, my last day with work ended friday. My former employer has shut down their operation across the Canadian board and pulled out mostly for financial reasons due to our strong economy and Americas war driven relapse. It's still hard to believe its over, I put alot of effort into this job and genuinely liked it. It was likely the best job I've ever had and the only one I have ever really cared about. Thats not to say I wasn't horribly negative at times, it was still work don't get me wrong, and as creatively starved as a might have been I learned alot and got to be really good at what I was doing. I was proud of myself for hanging in as I did. As the year grew longer I became better and better, more efficient and effective at said employment. I was happy with my ability to do the job and I know I will never get another one like it. They had told us we had room to move up, all those hopes have been since crushed. Now the hunt begins a new, so as I plan to hunt in the GTA as well as Edmontonland (to those who have taken the time to read this) any help or leads to DECENT jobs I can live on would be appreciated.
It's funny, this employment opportunity was the only reason I gave up my life in Ontario and moved out here, to a place I have found I genuinely dislike. My living situation hasn't really improved, my Roomie drives me mental on a constant basis and keeps me in a continually bad mood. It's largely the city itself, I can't stand it, I truly feel a new love for Toronto after living in this place. A year ago January I gave it all up and I moved out here, I accomplished alot since but I have never felt so alone. I've spent most of my money on things to make myself happy or try and construct some assemblance of a future in this place, rather then saving towards a better life in Ontario which I'm now tempted to parse. I will admit, I should have saved and many of the things I bought weren't really essential to my survival but they helped keep me happy. I bought loads of furniture, movies, books, decorations, boardgames, which fill my tiny room in this basement apartment. Things that help lock one down, they are items that will prove difficult to ship if I do chose to go home and that I don't want to give up.
I also became an alcoholic, I've come to admit that. Many of you know I was a heavy drinker before but back home it was mostly social. I started drinking every day (I've since cut back) which has severely damaged my already damaged stomach. It was never my intention to get drunk or the like, it was just something to do. I like to drink, I'm a happier person after a few and I genuinely like beer etc over pop.
I also quit smoking as well, both cutting back on the booze and quitting have been very difficult for me. I realized what a downward slope I was going down both physically and mentally. Because of the nature of said job and my social habits exercise basically dried up and I have put on abit of weight. I really do need to start looking after myself but my motivation just isn't there. This has hindered my self esteem (which as many of you know was never really high to begin with) and exacerbated to the problem. I've come to accept that I do infact have a problem and I do suffer from real depression, I have all my life, I've just been lying to myself. I have in many ways become somewhat reclusive with the handful of friends I have out here. It's hard to will myself to leave the confines of my bedroom most days. When I was employed I was waking up at 5 am and I just couldn't do late nights anymore which has become a huge factor of change, as you know I am a princess about my sleep. I invested to much mentally on moving up and now I feel that I'm forced to move on. This place doesn't hold my heart, it doesn't seem like home after a year. I'm still torn if I travel back to Ontario to see friends I miss dearly, but then I recall seeing all those that I knew was rare even there. As many of you know I'm both a social person and a horribly antisocial person, I flip back and forth all the time its in my unfortunate nature. Now I know so few people and it makes me sad. I'm forced into a state where I both desire to go back home and am admittedly scared to. I remember the good times rather than the bad and realize if I do come back things will never be the same again.
That's a minute glimpse into what I'm dealing with right now. I'm horribly torn with the direction in which I travel. Sacrifice happiness for money or vice versa. Regardless I'll follow this up in a few days as I am taking a full week off before I start the job hunt. I need to think things through and come to some sort of conclusion to this chapter of my life.
Well all is said and done, my last day with work ended friday. My former employer has shut down their operation across the Canadian board and pulled out mostly for financial reasons due to our strong economy and Americas war driven relapse. It's still hard to believe its over, I put alot of effort into this job and genuinely liked it. It was likely the best job I've ever had and the only one I have ever really cared about. Thats not to say I wasn't horribly negative at times, it was still work don't get me wrong, and as creatively starved as a might have been I learned alot and got to be really good at what I was doing. I was proud of myself for hanging in as I did. As the year grew longer I became better and better, more efficient and effective at said employment. I was happy with my ability to do the job and I know I will never get another one like it. They had told us we had room to move up, all those hopes have been since crushed. Now the hunt begins a new, so as I plan to hunt in the GTA as well as Edmontonland (to those who have taken the time to read this) any help or leads to DECENT jobs I can live on would be appreciated.
It's funny, this employment opportunity was the only reason I gave up my life in Ontario and moved out here, to a place I have found I genuinely dislike. My living situation hasn't really improved, my Roomie drives me mental on a constant basis and keeps me in a continually bad mood. It's largely the city itself, I can't stand it, I truly feel a new love for Toronto after living in this place. A year ago January I gave it all up and I moved out here, I accomplished alot since but I have never felt so alone. I've spent most of my money on things to make myself happy or try and construct some assemblance of a future in this place, rather then saving towards a better life in Ontario which I'm now tempted to parse. I will admit, I should have saved and many of the things I bought weren't really essential to my survival but they helped keep me happy. I bought loads of furniture, movies, books, decorations, boardgames, which fill my tiny room in this basement apartment. Things that help lock one down, they are items that will prove difficult to ship if I do chose to go home and that I don't want to give up.
I also became an alcoholic, I've come to admit that. Many of you know I was a heavy drinker before but back home it was mostly social. I started drinking every day (I've since cut back) which has severely damaged my already damaged stomach. It was never my intention to get drunk or the like, it was just something to do. I like to drink, I'm a happier person after a few and I genuinely like beer etc over pop.
I also quit smoking as well, both cutting back on the booze and quitting have been very difficult for me. I realized what a downward slope I was going down both physically and mentally. Because of the nature of said job and my social habits exercise basically dried up and I have put on abit of weight. I really do need to start looking after myself but my motivation just isn't there. This has hindered my self esteem (which as many of you know was never really high to begin with) and exacerbated to the problem. I've come to accept that I do infact have a problem and I do suffer from real depression, I have all my life, I've just been lying to myself. I have in many ways become somewhat reclusive with the handful of friends I have out here. It's hard to will myself to leave the confines of my bedroom most days. When I was employed I was waking up at 5 am and I just couldn't do late nights anymore which has become a huge factor of change, as you know I am a princess about my sleep. I invested to much mentally on moving up and now I feel that I'm forced to move on. This place doesn't hold my heart, it doesn't seem like home after a year. I'm still torn if I travel back to Ontario to see friends I miss dearly, but then I recall seeing all those that I knew was rare even there. As many of you know I'm both a social person and a horribly antisocial person, I flip back and forth all the time its in my unfortunate nature. Now I know so few people and it makes me sad. I'm forced into a state where I both desire to go back home and am admittedly scared to. I remember the good times rather than the bad and realize if I do come back things will never be the same again.
That's a minute glimpse into what I'm dealing with right now. I'm horribly torn with the direction in which I travel. Sacrifice happiness for money or vice versa. Regardless I'll follow this up in a few days as I am taking a full week off before I start the job hunt. I need to think things through and come to some sort of conclusion to this chapter of my life.