Mounting Exigency
The rubber has been hitting the road at work- my "rookie" status is in full swing as I've overextended myself in several areas and get smacked around a bit for my foolishness. To reassure the higher ups I've fallen back to my stronger ideas and abandoned some experimental stuff. I think I'll need a success soon in some area to cement my position and get the pressure off my back.
An effort like that requires a good amount of energy from me and right now I feel like a drug addict who has gone cold turkey- withdrawal symptoms have been notable. Waking up every morning, eating lunch alone at mid-day, standing in the grocery store in the afternoon, going to sleep in a cold bed at night- each moment away from the office is blanketed by this painful background feeling in my mind that simply refuses to go away.
My ability to ignore this increases with every day- yes, like someone dealing with a wound, some days are better than others, but in the highest points I can feel personality returning, rather than the quiet and simple creature that inhabits the bad moments. It's those times that all I feel I can do is exist, and when I can't even do that, I sleep.
Still though, it can't remain this way forever, and every minute, every day endured is another step closer to getting past this terrible affliction, and I'm doing it the hardest way. Without anger, without contempt for those responsible, I have nothing to quickly pave over these painful feelings, and it will persist longer but I know that when it does go I'll be better for it.
And that is what has really changed about me. I am humbled by this experience, I became aware of my faults and flaws and I made great efforts to go the exact opposite way with them this time. In moments that I should be angry; I laugh, in times of despair I hope, and when I am afraid of making a mistake I push forward, telling myself that the worst mistake would be to do nothing at all.
This is all new for me, it's different. I've never been completely alone, always I've had someone nearby who I could talk to and take comfort in their presence at nearly all times in my life. Here though...well, I could disappear where I sit right now and it would take weeks for someone to notice.
While that thought is sad and morbid it's not without it's benefits- what they are....well, I'll have to get back to you on that.
An effort like that requires a good amount of energy from me and right now I feel like a drug addict who has gone cold turkey- withdrawal symptoms have been notable. Waking up every morning, eating lunch alone at mid-day, standing in the grocery store in the afternoon, going to sleep in a cold bed at night- each moment away from the office is blanketed by this painful background feeling in my mind that simply refuses to go away.
My ability to ignore this increases with every day- yes, like someone dealing with a wound, some days are better than others, but in the highest points I can feel personality returning, rather than the quiet and simple creature that inhabits the bad moments. It's those times that all I feel I can do is exist, and when I can't even do that, I sleep.
Still though, it can't remain this way forever, and every minute, every day endured is another step closer to getting past this terrible affliction, and I'm doing it the hardest way. Without anger, without contempt for those responsible, I have nothing to quickly pave over these painful feelings, and it will persist longer but I know that when it does go I'll be better for it.
And that is what has really changed about me. I am humbled by this experience, I became aware of my faults and flaws and I made great efforts to go the exact opposite way with them this time. In moments that I should be angry; I laugh, in times of despair I hope, and when I am afraid of making a mistake I push forward, telling myself that the worst mistake would be to do nothing at all.
This is all new for me, it's different. I've never been completely alone, always I've had someone nearby who I could talk to and take comfort in their presence at nearly all times in my life. Here though...well, I could disappear where I sit right now and it would take weeks for someone to notice.
While that thought is sad and morbid it's not without it's benefits- what they are....well, I'll have to get back to you on that.